


Between two fires

by lotticorn



Series: Workplace Hazards [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesia, Angst, Domestic, Established Relationship, F/M, FIx It, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt/Comfort, Hydra, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Issues, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, SHIELD, Sexual Content, Sickfic, Slash, Stony - Freeform, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony-centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-14
Updated: 2016-03-15
Packaged: 2018-03-30 07:01:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 60,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3927328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lotticorn/pseuds/lotticorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything had been perfect - or about as perfect as a relationship that had Tony Stark in it could get - when suddenly SHIELD had collapsed and all hell had broken lose. Tony still couldn't really comprehend how everything had crumbled in 48 hours. </p><p>And now he had to pick up the pieces. And Steve. Who was set on finding his former best friend. Who in turn happened to be a genetically modified super-assassin. Suffering from amnesia.</p><p>And of course Tony would help Steve, gladly.<br/>The only question he kept asking himself was - How could he have missed all of this? Especially after Mexico? How could he have let it happen?</p><p> <br/>In which Tony is trying to be supportive, Steve is set on getting his best friend back and Bucky is mostly just confused.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Damage Control

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome back, dear readers!  
> Here it is, as promised, part 2! Thanks for coming back, I hope you like it! 
> 
> If you're new to this series, I strongly advise you to read the first work "I don't like being handed things" first, as this story is set after it and is directly connected to events of the first part.

Looking back, he should have realized what was being played way earlier. Looking back, it was blatantly obvious, screaming him into the face. How could he have been so stupid, so negligent? After everything that had happened! After New York. After fucking Mexico! 

He’d been in their servers once and he’d proclaimed to know all their dirty little secrets, obnoxious, arrogant idiot that he was. Turned out he didn’t know a goddamn thing! And now Steve and Nat and pretty much everyone affiliated with SHIELD was pretty much fucked. That included the Avengers, even Bruce and himself, who weren’t even SHIELD agents, for fuck’s sake! 

Yeah, they were all royally fucked and Tony Stark could have averted the situation. If he’d just paid attention for one fucking second! 

Tony ran a shaky hand over his face. He needed to concentrate, this was important! But he was slowly but surely becoming overwhelmed. There were about a million things happening at once and while he was good at multitasking, even the genius of Tony Stark had limits. 

“Tony? Do you want to take a break?” Pepper asked, warm understanding in her voice and Tony shook his head vehemently. 

They were sitting at Stark Industries DC in a conference room that had been transformed into Pepper’s and his impromptu office. Since they both didn’t usually spend much time at DC it was the best they’d been able to throw together on short notice.  
Tony had installed JARVIS and set up several computers while Pepper had made sure that a functioning coffee machine was set up. 

Now they were sitting at the conferences table, the news running on one screen, stock courses on another. The table was covered in paperwork and actual newspapers and Tony had to be really careful not to accidentally knock over his coffee. Pepper would have his head. 

For the last thirteen hours they had been doing damage control. Tony had his lawyers proving that the affiliation with SHIELD had been Iron Man privately and that there was no business connection with SHIELD whatsoever.  
He’d already held a press conference in which he had stated that he had known nothing about SHIELD being infiltrated by HYDRA. It had been nearly as bad as the conference after Afghanistan. 

Tony rubbed at his eyes and shook his head. “No, I’m good. Let’s do this.” He turned back to his computer screen, not really seeing the numbers on display. Tony really didn’t want to do this, not now. He’d primarily come to DC to see Steve. Because, well, shit had gone down fast and there’d been absolutely nothing Tony had been able to do. 48 hours, and Steve’s whole world had crumbled.  
As had Nat’s, to be fair. Tony had arranged her immediate transfer to the tower and set up a new security system. Natasha had more enemies than Tony himself, but he’d be damned if he let her get hurt on his watch again! Until they figured something out she was confined to the tower, but it beat being dead in Tony’s opinion and Natasha strongly agreed. 

Steve, however, was at the hospital. Injured and deeply in shock. And Tony was stuck at fucking Stark Industries! 

“I mean it, Tony. Take a break, visit Steve. I’ll manage on my own for two hours.” Pepper poured herself a fresh cup of coffee, adding a healthy splash of soymilk. She looked about as tired as Tony felt, but she wore it better than him. Probably because she was really beautiful. Her hair was still pulled up in a complicated sort of bun – Tony had never pretended to understand how all those hairstyles worked – and she wore an immaculate outfit consisting of a white blouse and a cream colored skirt. The blazer had long since been discarded as had the high heels Pepper had been wearing. Tony grimaced in pain simply at the thought of wearing those kinda shoes.  
He was dressed in a plain grey suit. The tie had gone missing five hours ago, but Tony couldn’t bring himself to care. His red shades lay next to the coffee maker and he breathed a sigh of relief as he spotted them there. He’d need those if he really did go to see Steve or the press would have a field day. Appearing weak at this crucial moment would be like signing his own death sentence. 

Tony ran a hand through his already disheveled hair and looked up from his screen, expression troubled. “That…I appreciate the offer, Pep. But you’ve been at it as long as me. I’ll go see Steve, but only if you promise to take a break when I’m back. Deal?” He really didn’t need Pepper burning herself out over his stupid mistakes. 

Pepper gave him a tired smile and nodded. “Yeah, that…I think I’d like that. Just for an hour.” 

“Good, it’s a deal. Thanks, Pep, really. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” And he meant it, too. Without Pepper, he’d have been horribly out of his depth with the situation. It was too much already, but without a person as competent and knowledgeable as Pepper by his side, he would have just hid in his workshop and cried while his company hit rock bottom faster than the fucking Helicarrier. 

As he got up, Pepper went over to him and embraced him in a right hug. Tony hugged back, taking all the comfort he could get. He breathed in deeply. Pepper’s familiar scent calmed him instantly.  
“Be careful, Tony.” She whispered in his ear and he nodded, feeling a lump in his throat. “And send Steve my love.” 

“Will do, Pep. See you soon.” He responded quietly, collected his shades, put them on and strode as confidently out of the office as he could manage under the current circumstances. Still. Needed to keep up appearances, now more than ever. 

Stark Industries was beyond busy, it was hectic, people were constantly moving, running between offices and floors, always in motion. It was a hive mind and Tony felt it press down on him from all sides. Not much longer and he’d suffocate. 

Heads turned as he quickly made his way downstairs and into the lobby. Luckily he was too much of a rarity here in the DC office for people to just approach him. They held their respectful distances and followed him with their stares and whispers. Tony had long since elected to ignore them.  
He nodded to the security guard at the door and pulled out his phone. 

“Happy? Entrance, now.” If there was one thing he didn’t need right now, it was another big scene with the press. 

But Tony’s luck hadn’t run out yet and the sleek black Audi was already parked in front of the entrance when he exited the building.  
On days like these Tony realized again how truly lucky he was to have people like Pepper and Happy in his life. He’d be lost without them and he was proud to be able to call them friends. 

Of course a small number of exceptionally stubborn reporters were camped outside the office building, but Tony paid them no mind and slid into the Audi’s passenger seat as fast as possible. Fucking vultures. 

“You’re a lifesaver, Happy!” he groaned and pocketed his shades. 

“Anything for you, boss.” The driver replied gruffly as Tony melted into his seat. He wanted to hide away and maybe cry for a bit.  
“Are you finally going to get some sleep? No offense, but you look like crap.” 

A quick side glance revealed a very concerned looking Happy who was gripping the steering wheel tight. Tony sighed. 

“Don’t worry, buddy. I’m okay. I gotta get to the hospital, fast.” He wasn’t okay in the least and if he was quite honest with himself, the thought of going to the hospital made him feel all jittery and sent his heart into a frenzy. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see Steve, he always wanted to see him, it was Steve after all. But now Steve was injured, bed-ridden even and that was just plain wrong.  
And Tony, as shameful as it was, couldn’t bring himself to face him. 

He’d seen Steve once when he’d arrived in DC, but Steve had been sleeping and Tony had just looked at his battered form and freaked out in the middle of the hospital. Seeing Steve all still, hooked up to medical equipment and sleeping in hospital scrubs was enough to send him over the edge.  
Tony had never seen the man look so damn vulnerable. 

“Honestly? You really don’t. First you gotta get home and take a shower. Steve won’t be discharged for at least another three days, so he’ll still be there after your  
shower. I’m taking you home.” Happy stated, leaving no room for questions or protests. 

Which Tony was sick of anyway.  
He sighed audibly and tried to breathe around the heavy feeling in his chest. Happy didn’t even know how much of a favor he was doing Tony. Simply deciding for him like that…it was easy. And Happy was a reasonable man, so he could rely on him to make the right decision for the right reason. And he didn’t have to feel bad about not seeing Steve. After all, Happy had told him to take a shower first and didn’t Steve always say he needed to take more care of himself?

They drove in silence to the futuristic mansion Tony had purchased the day before. It was set right at the Potomac, opposite Theodore Roosevelt Island and if he had had some time to spend there, he would have liked it quite a bit. The wide, open rooms and the modern furniture reminded him of the tower and his favorite, the late Malibu house. 

“Thanks, Happy”, Tony muttered hoarsely, still slumped down in his seat. 

“Someone needs to take care of you, Tony.” Happy just replied, but his serious tone betrayed his light words. “And because apparently that’s me right now, I’m also gonna tell you this: call Dr. Miller. No, really, think about it rationally. I’ve seen you like this before and it never ended well. Everyone’s putting all that pressure on you, but at the end of the day you’re just a man, same as the rest of us. And you’re doing well, you’re handling this better than any politician I know. But it’s okay not to be okay when something like HYDRA taking over SHIELD and SHIELD disbanding happens.” 

The heavy feeling in his chest was pressing down on his lungs now and Tony could feel the tears burning in his eyes. He took a shuddering breath through his nose and willed the tears not to fall. If he started now, he’d be reduced to a sobbing mess and he wouldn’t make it even close to his shower in the next two hours. 

Happy entered his security code and drove into the parking garage. Yeah, Tony’s house had its own parking garage. He’d really just bought the first half-decent thing that  
JARVIS had found. 

When Happy was occupied with parking the car, Tony hastily wiped the back of his hand over his eyes. Then he cleared his throat. He needed his voice to sound as firm as always.  
“Thank you, Happy. For getting me here and everything.”  
He opened the car door, but a hand on his arm made him stop. Tony turned towards Happy again, question obvious on his face. 

“Call her, boss! I mean it. That’s what you pay her for!” 

Tony sighed over the constricting feeling in his chest. “Alright, alright, I’m gonna give her a quick ring. Happy now?” 

Happy just patted his shoulder and Tony closed the car door. He made his way over to the elevator and collapsed against the wall as soon as he had entered. 

“Hello, sir, welcome back.” JARVIS’ smooth voice greeted him and suddenly Tony couldn’t hold back the tears anymore and he slid down the wall and his chest was heaving and his whole body shook from the force of his sobs and he just want to curl up and die right here in this elevator and he wanted to sleep and he wanted Steve to be okay, but Steve was in the fucking hospital and it was all his fault and now everything was broken and he didn’t know how to fix it, but that was his thing, fixing stuff, but how the fuck was he supposed to fix this, he had no idea, and he needed someone to guide him through it, but Pepper was already taking care of SI and Steve was in the hospital, sleeping sleeping sleeping, all still, and he had nearly drowned and Tony couldn’t, he couldn’t even imagine that and he didn’t want to and the tears didn’t stop and Tony wrapped his arms around his chest as his body trembled and what the fuck was he doing, he couldn’t be falling apart just yet, he didn’t have the time, he needed to pull himself together, right now, but how, he couldn’t, not on his own! 

“Sir. Sir, please calm down.” JARVIS said from somewhere far away and Tony tried, he really tried to calm down, but it didn’t work. “Do you want me to call someone?” 

This again. Why did everyone want him to call someone? And who could he even call? Pepper, who was drowning in work because he had abandoned her at SI? Rhodey, who was being investigated for all the times he’d helped the Avengers and Tony especially? Bruce, who’d dropped off the radar as soon as shit had hit the fan? 

“I am calling Dr. Miller. Forgive me, sir, but you are obviously suffering. You don’t have to be in pain, the situation at hand is in no way your fault.” 

Tony sucked in a shuddering breath and wiped his face, but his chest was still heaving up dry sobs. He didn’t want to talk to Dr. Miller. What the fuck was he even supposed to say? I fucked up. Again. Awesome! She’d really wanna know that. Not that she didn’t think he was a complete basket case anyway, after his spectacular freak out a couple weeks ago when fucking aliens had appeared in London through portals that popped up randomly. He’d drunk himself into a serious case of alcohol poisoning and landed himself in the hospital. When Dr. Miller had asked if his binge should be seen as a suicide attempt, Tony hadn’t known what to say. So he’d stayed silent. 

Steve had already been in DC at that point, helping Fury and Nat set up a strong SHIELD branch there. Tony had made everyone who’d even as much as glanced at him at the hospital sign non-disclosure agreements and told Steve he’d sustained a head injury while working on his newest suit. Since Steve had been preoccupied in DC and Natasha had been with him, Tony had gotten away with the blatant lie. 

Thor had left after that to take care of some shit going down in Asgard. Tony honestly couldn’t bring himself to think about it. He just wished he’d never learned about the existence of aliens. He didn’t even want to know about the science behind the fucking portals. 

Clint was gone on solo missions more often than not, leaving the tower mostly to Tony himself, who neatly divided his time with building stuff for the Avengers, SI and SHIELD and completely freaking out once every ten days or so. 

It had been just a week before Steve had been scheduled to come home when the spectacular lie that was SHIELD had come to light. 

“…Tony, come on, Tony, talk to me. Just respond in any way you can. I know you can hear me, come on…” 

“Doc?” Tony croaked, realizing the voice that was mumbling in the distance, connecting vowels and forming words, sure, but not making the least bit of sense to Tony’s fuddled brain. 

“Yes! I knew you could do it!” This time he registered her voice and the words she was saying. “Can you tell me where you are?” Her voice was calm with a hint of seriousness. 

Tony raised his head from his knees and looked around. “…elevator”, he supplied at last. He hadn’t made it very far. 

“You’re in the elevator.” Dr. Miller repeated. “In your house in DC?” 

Slowly Tony loosened his grip on his chest and let his arms fall limply to his sides. “Yeah”

“Do you know how long you’ve been in the elevator, Tony?” She asked and Tony’s eyes shot up to the ceiling. 

“I…JARVIS? How long?” A headache was blooming behind his eyes, one of the kind you only got after crying for extensive periods of time. 

“It has been twenty-three minutes since you have entered the elevator, sir.”

“Oh”, Tony replied intelligently. Fuck. So he’d wasted one fourth of his precious time already! He could’ve spent it with Steve! 

“Deep breaths, Tony”, Dr. Miller instructed and Tony flinched. He wouldn’t panic or break down crying again, once was enough for one day. “Are you injured?” 

Another quick glance to the ceiling. 

“No, sir. You are, however, severely exhausted and dehydrated.” 

Well. That was something, at least. 

“Do you think you can get out of the elevator?” Dr. Miller asked and if she found it disconcerting that Tony himself didn’t know if he was injured, she didn’t show it. 

Tony got to his feet. He felt a bit lightheaded, but apart from that he felt alright.  
“Yeah, I’m okay. Thanks, Doc. JARVIS…just take me to whichever floor has the biggest shower.” 

“Do you want to talk about it?” came the question Tony had already expected and a tired grin found its way onto his face. Of course she’d ask. 

“Yeah, I…sure. I mean, not really, but that’s not the kinda answer you wanna hear and I know that I should talk about it, I really do, but right now I just wanna take a shower. That’s why I even came here in the first place. So thanks for, um, y’know, picking up the phone and talking to me, you really helped me out. I’ll be in touch, just…just not too soon, cause I really got no time. And I know how it’s not healthy and all that, but I gotta save the company, the Avengers and as much of SHIELD as I can.” 

There was a barely audible sigh at the other end of the line. “And I know I should tell you not to, but I can’t bring myself to do that. Thank you for what you’re doing for SHIELD, take care of yourself, Tony. And call me whenever you need to. I mean it, the time doesn’t matter. Just call.” 

The elevator doors opened with a ping – annoying, he’d have to change that – and Tony walked out into the hall.  
“Will do, Doc. Thanks. I’ll try to keep the damage to a minimum and at least make sure you all don’t lose your jobs.” 

The call ended and Tony shuffled in the direction where he assumed the bathroom to be. 

“Sir, I hope you approve of me calling Dr. Miller?” JARVIS asked hesitantly and Tony couldn’t even be mad at him. After all he had spent 23 minutes sobbing his heart out in an elevator, that was extreme even by his standards. 

“Yeah, it’s fine, J. Where’s the bathroom?” He didn’t want to think for just a couple moments. JARVIS lit up the way to the shower and Tony followed the lights like some moth-zombie-hybrid.  
“Thanks, J. What’s the word on Steve?” He held his breath. 

There was affection in JARVIS’ voice when he answered. “Captain Rogers has been awake twice. He has been visited by Sam Wilson once and is currently asleep again. The responsible doctors say he is healing nicely.” 

Steve had been awake. And Tony hadn’t been there. Fuck. 

Tony undressed on his way to the bathroom, dropping items of clothing as he went. Whatever.  
“Do I have a maid or something?” he asked JARVIS. Who the fuck knew what came with this mansion. 

“Not yet, sir, but I can hire someone. They could also pick up fresh clothing for you.” 

The bathroom door slid open on its own accord and Tony entered the bright marble room. The shower was obscenely large and he sighed in expectation. This would be good, this had the potential to restore him to a human being. 

“You do that, J. Get me a new suit and something inconspicuous…jeans and hoodie or something. Some sorta disguise.” 

“Certainly, sir.” JARVIS replied and started the shower. Tony slipped under it and let the hot water wash over him. It came from all sides and he could feel his sore muscles relaxing. Even his headache decreased somewhat as Tony started shampooing his hair. He closed his eyes as he massaged his scalp and his thoughts drifted off.  
Tony had wanted to visit Steve in DC. He’d wanted to see the Captain America exhibit with him simply to make fun of him – that was the reason he had donated Howard’s collection to the museum in the first place. He’d had it all planned out already and in his imagination it had been perfect.  
Now everything was fucked pretty much beyond repair. 

“Hey, JARVIS”, he said as he rinsed out his hair. “Is the exhibition open right now?”

“For another four hours, sir.” JARVIS replied promptly. 

The water stopped running and Tony took a fluffy towel to dry himself off. When he stepped out of the bathroom there was a crisp new suit and a pair of jeans, a black shirt and a hoodie deposited on the couch in front of the room. What person in their right mind would put a couch in front of a bathroom?

Tony opted for the jeans and hoodie. He’d leave the hunt for houses to Pepper in the future. 

An assortment of glasses and shades were placed on the table next to the couch and Tony picked simple black-rimmed glasses. They were Steve’s go-to disguise and for some reason always worked for him. 

On his way back to the elevator Tony stopped at his discarded slacks and took his phone and wallet. Then he rode the elevator to the lowest level and exited through the backdoor. 

Maybe staring at Steve’s uniform before facing the man himself would help. 

Tony doubted it.


	2. Buying Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, thanks for the positive response to the first chapter! 
> 
> I'm back from vacation (sad face!) so there's gonna be more frequent updates again (yay!). 
> 
> Ireland is absolutely beautiful, by the way, and you should go and see it if you ever have the chance!

The headquarters of a secret spy slash government organization falling out of the sky and right into the Potomac were apparently not remotely exciting enough to ruffle the people of DC. 

Sharply dressed men and women were walking at fast paces all over the place, huge coffee-to-go mugs clutched tightly and held close to their chests. It was just another day in the business world, now probably more than ever, and Tony couldn’t make out anything like worry or fear on their faces. They all simply looked supremely stressed out and utterly bored at the same time and Tony briefly considered the kind of catastrophe that would be needed to get some kinda emotion out of the business zombies.   
Then he decided he really didn’t wanna know. 

As he hurried up his way to the Mall – yes, he walked, didn’t wanna risk being caught on security cameras in the metro or something – the business people disappeared and loud tourists took their place. Families with little kids who were carrying enormous ice cream cones, a class of middle schoolers on a field trip, some couples with intertwined hands…Tony slipped right into their midst and disappeared. It was almost too easy.   
All around him were happy faces, eyes lit up in awe, and sometimes an annoyed scowl on a mother’s or father’s face, but overall everyone was way too occupied with sightseeing to pay Tony any mind. It was refreshing, to say the least. 

He passed the Smithsonian Castle and walked down the street until he saw the Air and Space Museum. The impressive glass façade was glistening in the sunlight and Tony remembered why he had donated the collection to this specific museum again. It made his little engineer heart beat faster and was the only museum that managed to even remotely capture his attention for like half an hour. 

The plaza in front of the museum was even more crowded than usual and Tony spotted a few people wearing Captain America shirts. One little boy was even completely suited up. It brought a bitter smile to Tony’s face. Yeah, Steve would have liked this. 

He quickly strode up the steps and passed through the security without any trouble. It was a good thing his arc reactor couldn’t be detected by normal security or he wouldn’t have even needed to bother with a disguise. 

Inside the museum the lights were dimmed. Only the items on display were illuminated softly, luring the visitors towards them like moths to a flame. 

Tony made his way into the first room, checking his surroundings first. It had become a habit, something that came with being a superhero and living in a house full of spies and military people, but he didn’t spot anyone or anything suspicious. And why the fuck would he, really? He was at the fucking Captain America Exhibit, HYDRA wouldn’t be so fucking stupid as to hang out there. Not after they’d all fled the scene in a hurry and dropped off the grid ever since. Besides, there was nothing of interest here in the first place, not to HYDRA at least. They’d been in SHIELD’s servers all along, they already had all the intel on Project Rebirth. And the rest was public knowledge anyway, which was why it was being put on display for everyone to see right now. 

So no, no HYDRA, just Tony’s paranoia reaching new heights. 

He wandered around for a bit, glancing at the stuff that had occupied a warehouse of his for a long time and tried not to think of Steve. Which was stupid, since he was at an exhibition about the guy. And because he was pretty much always thinking about him. 

Things had been a bit strange between them lately, but maybe that was just Tony. 

After Mexico he hadn’t gotten the expected scolding since he’d saved their collective asses and that had felt good. He had gotten a new cast, though, since he’d completely shattered his arm and that hadn’t felt good at all. At that point, Tony had promptly gotten a medical degree simply to piss people off and to be able to pull the ‘I know what’d best for me, I’m a medical doctor’-card. Clint had found it hilarious. Steve and Bruce, as expected, hadn’t. Dr. Gupta had just given him a thin-lipped smile. 

Tony had also kept his promise and met up with Dr. Miller. It had been horribly awkward at first even though Tony didn’t do awkward, but Steve had been so proud and relieved and Tony thought he kinda owed it to him.   
Turned out Dr. Miller wasn’t half bad and actually helped him. For the first time since his extensive shrink career had started, a therapist wasn’t interested in just dotting down a diagnosis and prescribing him meds – Dr. Miller honestly wanted to help him. And she acknowledged that he was a genius and didn’t try to patronize him once.   
They talked about his panic attacks and things got pretty fucking intense from there on. Tony hadn’t been talking shit when he’d said that he’d rather his repressed feelings stayed repressed. 

It had been about that time that Steve and Tony had started sharing a bed every night for real. Needless to say, they hadn’t really gotten much sleep at first and Tony had been amazed to find out that there were still things that were new to him in the bedroom.   
Apart from having fucking amazing sex they’d somehow grown even more domestic and Tony was loath to admit that he was fine with that. He hadn’t had any time to take Steve on many exaggerated dates, though. In fact, he hadn’t had that much time to spend with Steve in general what with all the strange missions popping up. 

Looking back at it now, Tony realized that Mexico and the whole weapons thing had been the first step in the HYDRA takeover and their busy schedule in the weeks to follow had been to keep the Avengers occupied and distracted.   
And it had worked. 

Then, before there’d been the chance of anything resembling normality and routine to set in the lives of Steve and Tony, Steve had been sent to DC and that had been that. They’d still seen each other of course, once in a while, briefly, for work. 

It had been about that time that Tony’s life had started spiraling downward again and it had been bad.   
Phone calls with Steve revealed that he wasn’t too happy in DC either and Tony couldn’t help but feel slightly relieved about that, even if it made him feel at least equally guilty. But Steve had promised to come home soon and Tony had been excited and annoyed the crap out of Clint who was staying at the tower with him at the time. 

Clint wasn’t annoyed now, just venturing somewhere between terrified and murderous. If Tony had to bet, he’d say the murderous side was winning. Not that Clint hadn’t been in a seriously dark mood before, but with the life of Nat at stake now there was really no telling what he would do. 

Tony buried his hands in the pockets of his jeans and shuffled into the next room. Everything was so incredibly fucked up and he was wasting his time in the goddamn Captain America Exhibit that had once been his own personal fucking collection! He knew everything displayed here, he didn’t have any fucking reason to be here! 

The StarkPhone dug into his hand as if to remind him that he had work to do, that there were people depending on him, that he was a genius, for fuck’s sake, and that people needed him right now and that they needed him at his sharpest, not this sorry excuse of a self-pitying, pathetic idiot, but Tony Stark, genius, billionaire, philanthropist, playboy, Iron Man and all that shit. He needed to get his fucking act together and start being useful! 

When he raised his head, his eyes immediately snapped to it: the uniform. It had been cleaned and restored, but Tony could swear that he could still make out the bloodstains. Fuck.   
He walked up closer to it, not taking his eyes off the uniform. This was where Steve belonged, in the ridiculous uniform, and not in a hospital bed. Tony continued staring at it as if it would somehow be able to help. Nothing happened except that his frustration grew even more. 

Suddenly he detected a movement behind him and whipped around. A guy in a base cap that had just entered the room gave him a startled look in response before quietly walking over to something else on display. 

Jesus, now Tony was even scaring random guys in a museum because of his paranoia.   
He gave the guy a quick look over, but there was absolutely nothing special about him. Longish brown hair, stubble, jeans…he looked vaguely unhealthy, but Tony wasn’t about to judge him. 

Anyway, it was probably about time he saw Steve. For real this time.   
The thought was enough to make him nauseous and consider hyperventilating right in the middle of the Smithsonian. Probably wouldn’t do his public image any good, though, and since the company was already in a tight spot, he really shouldn’t push his luck. So no freaking out it was, oh joy! 

Before actually really hyperventilating just from thinking about it too much, Tony exited the museum. He took out his phone as he made his way down the Mall at a fast speed. 

“Happy, hi.” He greeted when Happy picked up right away. 

“Boss, everything alright? Do you need my help?” Damn that concerned tone.

“No, yeah, I just left the exhibit. I was here because of reasons, okay, don’t ask.”

Happy just hummed in agreement. He had learned not to ask many years ago. 

“So I might need a drive to the hospital, just to make sure I actually go there and don’t chicken out at the last moment, so that’d be cool, if you could do that. Oh, and also please be discreet? Like, take the least expensive car or something, I’m in disguise and I’d really like to stay that way. Can’t have ‘Tony Stark spotted sightseeing instead of taking care of his company!’ all over the news tomorrow. Can you do that?” 

Happy sounded as serious and stern as always when he responded, “Of course, Tony. I’ll be there in five, so inconspicuous that you won’t even notice me.” 

Tony actually had to grin at that. “Awesome, just make sure you tell me what the car looks like so I don’t accidentally end up in some poor guy’s car.” 

He continued down the avenue and looked around for a familiar car. By the time he had reached the end, a black Audi TT had pulled over, the passenger door slightly open. Tony gave it a mental shrugged and pulled it open. Luckily, it really was his car with Happy sitting behind the steering wheel. 

“You found me, boss!” Happy sounded immensely pleased with himself and Tony gave him a tired smile. 

“This is the cheapest car I own? Damn…” 

Happy shrugged before starting the engine and getting on the road leading to the hospital.   
“Nice disguise, though. I like the glasses.” 

“Steve always uses them”, Tony supplied with a shrug and the realization hit him full force: he was going to see Steve. At the hospital. Oh god. Oh fuck. He wasn’t prepared. At all. What the fuck was he supposed to say? He didn’t have any results, nothing. Natasha was vulnerable and hiding in the tower with Clint, Bruce was gone to god knew where and SHIELD and everything else was still in pieces. Shit!

He could feel the onset of panic in the pressure in his chest and the shaking in his breath and the tremor in his hands and this wasn’t fair, he was a fucking mess! 

The StarkPhone was actually hurting his hand now, his grip was so tight, and a thought hit Tony strong enough to kick him out of his panic. 

“Shit, Pepper!” he hissed. He’d said two hours, no more. She needed a break, badly. And now he’d been gone for much longer already and he was planning on being gone for much longer. That wasn’t fair to her at all since she wouldn’t just go home and abandon the company. Not like him. Fuck. 

“Happy, did you bring a computer or something?” Tony asked and clenched his jaw while trying to take deep breaths through his nose. 

“Yeah, of course, I brought your tablet. I can get your computer if you need it.” Happy offered immediately and Tony realized they had parked in the hospital’s parking lot. 

He shook his head and rearranged his hood. Didn’t need people recognizing him now.   
“No, the tablet’s fine, thanks. I’m gonna call Pepper and tell her to go to sleep. Can you check on her and make sure she doesn’t try to be like me and stay up all night again? Thanks, buddy!” With that, he grabbed the tablet from Happy’s outstretched hand, unbuckled his seatbelt, opened the door and slid out of his seat, hipster glasses and hood in place. 

Shit, this was it, the big moment. Well. He could at least buy some time by calling Pepper.   
He fished out his phone out of his pocket as he hurried up to the hospital’s less frequently used side entrance. When he had reached it, he sat down on a low stonewall next to the door.

“Hey Pep, it’s me.” He tried to put as much confidence and positive emotion in his voice as he could manage and just hoped that it was enough. 

“Hey Tony,” Pepper responded in an equally warm tone and Tony breathed a sigh of relief. 

“Everything alright at SI?” 

“Yes, we’re handling it, it’s looking good. How’s Steve?” Of course she was handling it, she was born for handling it, if anyone was able to handle it, it was her. 

“I’m just about to go in and see him, something came up…” Tony thought back to the time he and Pepper had been going out and about the many, many occasions on which ‘something had come up’ to make him neglect her completely. He immediately felt like an ass. So he cleared his throat. “I mean, I went home to take a shower, get a change of clothes and my StarkPad.”

Pepper didn’t say anything to that and Tony took it as a sign to continue. 

“I’m gonna work from here and I want you to go home, take a shower and get some sleep. You can go to my house or you can stay at a hotel, whatever feels best to you. I told Happy to pick you up and you know he takes his job very seriously, so don’t make the man sad.” 

“I can do that, but I’ll be working from home as well.” Right when Tony wanted to disagree, Pepper offered, “Or at least I’ll set my phone so that it alerts me when something requiring immediate attention comes up, alright? And I’m asking you to do the same, Tony, even you need sleep once in a while.”

Tony just waved her off with a laugh. “Nah, don’t worry, I’m a robot, I just need to be plugged in once in while.” 

“I mean it, Tony! I’ll see you in the morning, best wishes to Steve.” 

Urgh, right, Steve. Tony’s stomach dropped. “Thanks, Pep, good night.” 

She laughed and replied, “It’s not even 6 pm!” Then she disconnected the call before Tony could say something clever to buy even more time. Fuck.

He slowly lowered the hand with the phone and transferred it back to his pocket. Apparently it was time. At least the hospital staff had seen and handled him breaking down once, there wasn’t that much that could go worse this time. Except for, well, Steve actually being awake. But maybe he wasn’t. That would be fine.

Sighing, Tony slid off the wall and entered the building. He wasn’t in the mood for spending an extended amount of time in a confined space with strangers, so he opted for the stairs. Steve was on the third floor in a private little side wing. Not even all the hospital staff knew that he was even there and Tony had paid them a hefty sum to make sure it stayed that way. The last thing they needed was the media infiltrating the hospital and knowing those vultures they wouldn’t even see any shame in doing just that. Prying on the weak like the animals they were. 

When he walked through the doors to Steve’s room, a brunet young woman in a lab coat was just closing the door behind her. Steve’s doctor.   
She raised her head, her eyes met Tony’s, and she gave him a tight smile.   
Tony’s stomach dropped even further. 

“Hi”, he greeted nervously, hand clenched around the phone in his pocket. 

“Good evening Mr. Stark.” The doctor replied. “I have just seen to Captain Rogers. He is awake and his injuries are healing nicely.” 

There was something she wasn’t saying, judging by the bitter expression around her mouth and the note of desperation in her voice. 

Tony ran a hand through his hair and noticed he was still wearing both hood and glasses. Shit, he had to look like an idiot. 

“But?” He asked in a clipped tone and transferred the glasses to his other pocket. Better. 

“He is in shock, understandably, and deeply unhappy. We have some of the best trauma counselors in the country working here, but Captain Rogers in uncooperative and flat out refuses to see them. The only one he has agreed to talk to so far was a priest and while I appreciate it and hope that it helped him, a Catholic priest is far from a mental health worker. We can’t force him, of course, he has to make the conscious decision to talk to someone. But it’s worrying that he doesn’t even consider it.” 

Shit. That didn’t sound like Steve at all. The Steve he knew had told him he was seeing a therapist on the roof of the tower. He’d told him that seeing her really helped and that he’d started it of his own volition. He’d pushed Tony to start therapy and it had really helped him.   
And now he was refusing trauma counseling for himself?   
The doctor was right, that really was worrying. 

Tony got out his phone.   
“Let me give you the number of his therapist, maybe you can discuss it with her. Or maybe you’ll be able to at least have Steve talk to her. Someone needs to talk some sense into him…” 

The doctor nodded and quickly scribbled down the number. She honestly looked relieved.   
“Thank you, Mr. Stark! I’ll leave the two of you alone now. I don’t need to remind you that you better not discuss any stressful topics with Captain Rogers at this moment, right?” 

“Absolutely not, ma’am, I swear.” Tony replied, hands raised in a peaceful gesture and she gave him a nod before wandering off. 

So there he was, in front of Steve’s closed door. Well.   
He raised his hand, knocked and opened the door. 

It was a typical hospital room, pristine, plain white walls, a TV hanging opposite the bed and two huge windows letting in a fair amount of light. There was a table and two chairs positioned underneath the window and the center of the room was occupied by the bed.   
Which was occupied by Steve. Who was facing away from the door, sitting upright and apparently staring out of the window.   
He was wearing his usual attire from what Tony could tell, white shirt and grey sweatpants, and didn’t even turn when Tony closed the door again. 

Yeah, definitely worrying. 

“Hey Steve”, he murmured softly and bridged the distance between them with a few steps. “It’s me, I’m sorry I didn’t come here earlier. I mean, I did, but you were sleeping.” Tony stopped himself just before he could start rambling. Steve didn’t need that shit now, he needed to be strong and confident, not a fucking mess. “How are you feeling?” 

Slowly, Steve turned around. His hands were clenched into fists and Tony noticed that they were trembling. Hell, Steve’s whole body was fucking shaking. 

“Steve? Steve, hey, it’s okay, you’re fine, we’re all good, everything’s alright!” Tony immediately tried to reassure him. He knew the words were empty and not even true, but Steve seemed to be suffering. 

When he was finally facing Tony, his jaw was clenched and his bottom lip was quivering. His big blue eyes were steadily filling with tears, even though he was blinking rapidly to make them go away. 

Tony swallowed dryly. It sent a stab right through his heart. ‘Unhappy’ was an understatement, Steve looked fucking devastated. 

Tony leaned over the bed and embraced him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your continued support and please excuse all the angst.


	3. Mental Overload

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait and thanks for your comments and kudos! 
> 
> I'm not that great right now, lots of stress and stuff, everything's generally a bit shitty right now, but I hope it will pass soon, so that I have some more time to write. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Steve was clinging on to him for dear life. Tremors were shaking his muscular frame as he sobbed his heart out into Tony’s shoulder. 

Oh yeah, Steve was unhappy alright and Tony was fucking terrified. He held Steve close, wrapping his arms around his chest as tightly as he could. 

In that moment Tony realized how frail Steve really was. Sure, he was a biologically enhanced super-soldier with super strength, super endurance and a super fast metabolism, and a damn good strategist on top of that. He was a capable team leader and at the same time able to follow orders without questioning them.   
Steve was a national icon and the embodiment of what most people would call the perfect man. He was self-confident without being arrogant, gifted at pretty much everything he tried but still humble about it, and he couldn’t quite grasp the effect he had on people, his own body image for ever screwed by the way he had used to look before the serum. It was a matter of course that he helped old ladies cross the street, he was admired by the public and he lived with the Avengers, Earth’s mightiest heroes.   
So yeah, Steve Rogers, living the life, nothing to complain about. 

Except that everyone he’d ever known was dead, or at least Steve had thought so. Turned out the guys who’d been responsible for the death of his best friend in the first place hadn’t killed him after all, but used his body and remodeled it into a killing machine.   
And now Bucky Barnes, the one person Steve had called his best friend, was back, miraculously still alive. Only he wasn’t Bucky, he was the Winter Soldier, a fucking killing machine for HYDRA, and he didn’t remember a goddamn thing about Steve. 

For the third time, Steve had lost Bucky. 

So Tony understood his breakdown, it was justified, no questions asked. However the fact that he was the one to deal with the fallout did worry him a bit. After all he wasn’t the most sensitive guy on a good day and today definitely qualified as a horrible fucking day. What if he fucked it up? Again? Steve was pretty fucked up right now, he didn’t need a panicking Tony making him even worse. Fuck, in fact he needed someone who was the complete opposite of Tony, someone who knew how to deal with loss and abandonment in an appropriate way. All Tony knew when it came to handling negative feelings was how to get black out drunk, something that a) wasn’t healthy in the first place and b) not fucking applicable to Steve anyway since the guy couldn’t even get drunk, fuck it all. Lately, Tony hadn’t used alcohol to counter his problems, but had instead opted to having regular breakdowns and panic attacks. Not a good advice to give to Steve either. 

“’m sorry, Tony” Steve sniffed through a stuffed nose. Tony took it as his cue to gently untangle his arms from Steve and Steve raised his head slowly. His face was a mess, Tony couldn’t even find a well-meant lie for that, it simply looked as if Steve had spent the last twenty minutes crying. His face was red and splotched and puffy and Tony didn’t like the vacant look that was slowly returning to it at all. As for the purple bruising and swelling in Steve’s face, Tony didn’t even want to think about it. It made something dark and cold and angry uncurl in his stomach and it caused a rage under the surface that he could barely control. How could anyone beat up Steve like that? 

Tony took Steve’s hand in his and looked him deeply into the eyes. “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, Steve. I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel, I mean, I had Obie turn on me…but we don’t have to talk about that now”, he quickly interrupted himself, remembering the doctor’s words about leaving certain topics out of the conversation for now. Right.   
“I’m here now, for you, I mean. If there’s anything I can help you with. If you, like, wanna talk about it. Or not, if you’d rather we call Dr. Miller. But you should probably talk about it. I know that’s rich, coming from me, and I feel like a hypocrite, but you must’ve just gone through the shock of your life and that’s, uh, pretty traumatic. I know what I’m talking about, that shit can fuck you up if you don’t talk about it.”

Tony exhaled slowly and searched Steve’s gaze. The last thing he wanted was to put even more pressure on Steve, but he was worried. He was so fucking worried. 

Steve just shrugged listlessly in response and if his intent had been to look nonchalant, he’d failed spectacularly. It made Tony’s heart clench in sympathy. This, in turn, apparently caused his brain to shut off, judging by his next words. 

“I’m gonna find him for you.” 

Oh shit, oh fuck, oh fuckfuckfuck! 

Why the fuck had he said that? What had come over him? Why had his brain-to-mouth filter chosen precisely this moment to stop working again? Most likely Steve didn’t even appreciate the sentiment, he was probably just imposing again, sticking his greedy fingers into things that were none of his business and now Steve would have to break it to him, gently, that he was a fucking presumptuous asshole and that his help wasn’t needed, fuck you very much.   
Why couldn’t he just keep his mouth shut? Fuck! 

“Really?” 

Oh crap. 

Steve’s eyes were shining, his voice so fucking hopeful that Tony wanted to hug him and never let go again. He was in so much trouble. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. 

“Yeah, of course, Steve.” Fuck it all. “And I’m gonna make HYDRA pay, those fuckers.”

Steve nodded and it looked as if some life was returning to him. All because Tony had just promised him the impossible. How the fuck was he supposed to find an assassin that could have killed the Black Widow? And even if he did manage to somehow find him – he was after all still a genius and filthy rich - what the fuck was he supposed to do then? Just bring the fucking brain washed assassin to Steve, who’d have an even worse breakdown because there was nothing left of his best friend? Who exactly would he be helping with that? Shit. 

“We’re gonna make them pay together. For what they did to Bucky. And to Nat and Sam. And all innocent SHIELD personnel.” 

Tony brushed the fresh tears that were threatening to spill away and pressed a soft kiss on Steve’s forehead carefully. The question if any of the people working for SHIELD were actually innocent was a debate better saved for another day.   
“We will, Steve. But first you gotta heal. And I don’t just mean your body.” 

Immediately, Steve went rigid under Tony’s touch. Bull’s eye. 

The hospital bed creaked as Steve turned away from Tony and his touch that had gone from comforting to threatening. Tony swallowed dryly and let his hand drop on the white hospital blanket. He was still sitting at the edge of the bed, waiting for some kind of reaction from Steve. 

After two minutes of waiting, Tony figured there wouldn’t be any kind of response any time soon, so he added, “It doesn’t have to be right now. But you can talk to me. And I’m about 99.88% sure the others wouldn’t mind either, cause, you know, we care about you and you always put up with our bullshit and give advice and all that shit. So, yeah, all I’m saying is, you’re not alone anymore and you don’t need to be alone. So, uh, don’t do this to yourself, I know what that’s like, and really, that life’s not for you.” He tried for a light and teasing tone and received an audible, shuddering intake of breath in return. 

It took Steve a couple more breaths before he could respond, stretched out on the bed, back still turned to Tony. He looked ridiculous like that, making himself smaller than he really was, and all Tony wanted to do was curl up next to him and press his body against his back. 

“I’m actually pretty exhausted. I’d like to sleep some more.”

The statement hit Tony like a punch to the gut and he slid off the bed in a graceless motion. Fucked up again, the biography of Tony Stark. 

Just as he turned to leave, though, a hand behind him grabbed a fistful of his hoodie and Tony stopped dead in his tracks. The request was whispered so quietly that it was hard to understand, but Tony got the plea. 

“Please don’t leave me alone.” 

And fuck his life but he couldn’t, not after such a pitiful statement, muttered into a hospital blanket, voice breaking halfway through. Not that he had wanted to leave Steve in the first place and even more so after he had seen him. The poor guy was completely done, overwhelmed and utterly exhausted. If Tony could help him simply by staying in the room, he’d gladly stay in the hospital room for the rest of his life. 

Tony turned around and Steve let go of his hoodie. He looked up at Tony through swollen, red-rimmed eyes and the feeling of fury returned with a vengeance. He’d fucking tear those bastards apart! And the fucking Winter Soldier, too, when he got his hands on him! How dare they hurt Steve like that? 

“I’m not going anywhere, I’m just gonna sit down in that chair and do some work, okay? You get some beauty sleep, Steve, you really need it. Not that you’re ugly or anything, but they really did a number on you and you’re looking less Captain America and more punching bag right now, which, if you were going for a cover, good job, no one’s gonna recognize you like this. But still. I prefer your smooth baby-face, so you better get some rest so you can heal nicely, Rogers.” He winked at Steve and ruffled his hair carefully so as not to aggravate his injuries further, even though he doubted that they were registering as pain for Steve. He was in shock after all, the doctor had said as much. 

“Thank you, Tony”, Steve said quietly and leaned into Tony’s touch. The cold fury in Tony’s gut turned into stone cold determination. He’d find that Bucky guy and make him pay. Of anyone he knew, Steve deserved having his entire life fucked with the least. 

He leaned down to Steve whose eyelids were already drooping and gave him another peck on the forehead. The corners of Steve’s mouth twitched upward momentarily. It wasn’t quite a smile, but at this point Tony would take whatever he could get. 

Not taking his eyes off Steve’s already sleeping form he took a seat right next to his bedside. The chair, despite being in a private ward of that hospital that cost a nice sum of money, was made of hard, uncomfortable plastic, the thin cushion helping matters little. After fifteen minutes of watching Steve sleep, Tony felt like there wasn’t any position to sit comfortably in that chair, he’d tried them all. Fuck, sitting on the floor would probably be better for his posture than try to slouch in that monstrosity of a chair! 

Buzzing with nervous energy, Tony got up. His whole body was screaming at him to stretch his legs, but at the same time he absolutely didn’t want to leave Steve’s side, not after he had expressively asked him to stay. So he grabbed the joke of a cushion, placed it on the floor and slid down the wall to sit on it.   
It wasn’t better, but it wasn’t worse either and like this he could at least cross his legs. 

A quick look to the side showed that Steve hadn’t woken up, thank fuck. Ever since his breakdown and the subsequent refusal to talk about his feelings, Steve had been sleeping fitfully, his face never quite relaxing. He was tossing and turning on the narrow bed, tangled in the sheets that his hands gripped tightly every few minutes as a whimper escaped his mouth. 

Nope, there was no chance in hell he’d leave the room. Which in turn meant that he’d have to get to work sooner than later. He wasn’t done doing damage control just yet.   
With a small sigh Tony took out his phone and texted Happy to bring his computer and some coffee. His fingers were starting to tremble from sheer exhaustion and he couldn’t have that right now. 

The stock market had somewhat stabilized with Stark Industries still dropping several millions in net worth. It couldn’t be helped, he’d simply have to work extra hard in the weeks to come, invent some brilliant shit, file for some patents, to get the company running again.   
He shot Pepper a quick text telling her not to fire anyone just yet. It wasn’t his employees’ fault that their boss was Iron Man, after all, they were simply doing their jobs and hadn’t had anything to do with the current crisis. 

Then he looked at his mails, the private address that only a handful people knew. There were messages from Hill, Rhodey, Bruce and most surprisingly even Fury. The bastard that had played at being dead, a foolproof way to shift the blame. 

Hill was Director of the new SHIELD and inquiring after the status of the Avengers as well as requesting funding. The tone of the mail was clipped and formal, but the desperation was shining through. Tony closed his eyes briefly against the headache.   
Him funding SHIELD…he’d have to talk it over with Pepper. 

He skipped Rhodey and Bruce’s mails for now and opened Fury’s. That one was bound to be interesting.   
It didn’t have any text, just a file attached to it labeled ‘watch this’. Tony felt compelled to just download it to his phone but stopped at the last second. Happy would be there with his computer any second. He really didn’t need a virus or some shit killing his phone now. Not that it had ever happened before, his phone was Starktech and there wasn’t a virus competent enough to fuck his shit up, but then again Fury had been announced dead and was now sending him e-mails, so who the fuck knew who and what to trust anymore?!   
All Tony knew that he wasn’t trusting this file. 

A moment later there was a soft knock at the door and Tony got up, groaning from sitting in the unusual position for about an hour. Next to him, Steve was snoring softly, unperturbed by Happy’s arrival and Tony was glad. Steve’s features had finally smoothened out and he didn’t have the haunted look about him anymore. Tony just hoped he didn’t have nightmares. Nightmares sucked.

Stretching his legs felt heavenly and he groaned again as he rolled his shoulders to relieve some of the built up tension. After this whole clusterfuck was dealt with he was so getting a massage! At the beach of one of his tropical islands!   
But for now he’d have to settle for his computer and the venti Starbucks cup. 

Happy greeted him with a nod and Tony stepped outside. Would be a shame to wake Steve, now that he finally seemed to be resting.   
Tony closed the door behind him and stretched his hand out greedily. 

“Coffee! Gimme!” he sighed in anticipation and Happy passed him the paper cup.   
“Hey, boss. I came as fast as I could. Pepper has gone to bed and the office is closed for now, she sent all of the employees home. She really is one hell of a woman. And always so thoughtful…anyway, how are you holding up? And how’s Steve?” Happy wore his usual grim expression, his brows drawn tightly together, but Tony knew that he cared. Even though he hadn’t been his chauffeur for quite some time, he had gone back to the role when the circumstances called for it without so much as a single word, much less a complain. And now he was filling the role of Tony’s PA, the one position he hadn’t needed in years, the one he didn’t want to need anymore, not after Pepper, because she had been the PA and there was no one who would be able to measure up to her, ever, so Tony didn’t bother searching for a new PA because he was Tony Stark and he only settled for the best, but the best was already CEO of his company, so he’d settled for the next best thing which was JARVIS. Yeah, he’d admit it publicly, Pepper was a more competent PA than his AI. 

“Tony?”

Ah, right. Happy. Hospital. Internal ramblings going out of control again. No big deal. 

He took a big gulp of the coffee that was still deliciously hot. And nearly burned his tongue. Well. He’d try that again. 

“Thanks, buddy, I really needed this right now” he basically moaned into the paper cup, inhaling the rich scent while he was speaking.   
“I’m good, everything’s fine, SI should be stable again in a few days, no worries. It’s actually not as bad as it could’ve been and I hope that I haven’t jinxed it just now by saying that. Nah, honestly though, things are looking okay, it’s not a major crisis.” 

He took another sip, more careful this time. Little by little he could feel his energy returning and transforming into nervous energy, building up at his fingertips, waiting to be released. 

“As for Steve…” He trailed off, shrugged, and made some gesture of which even Tony himself didn’t really know the meaning. “He’s…not so good?” It sounded like a question and Happy drew his brows together even more closely.   
“Like, physically, he’s okay, I guess, looks like he got mugged in the street by a whole gang, but he’s Captain America, so he’s gonna be fine on that front as long as he’s not actually mugged any time soon which would be hard, seeing as he’s currently in the hospital and I’m rambling, I know, don’t give me that look, Happy.” Tony took a deep breath, gripped the paper cup tightly, and started pacing in front of Steve’s hospital room.   
“So his body is healing, everything’s working the way it should and that’s great. But mentally he’s…not okay, Happy. Like, seriously not okay, I guess. Hell, he clung to me and sobbed his heart out and then he refused to speak about his feelings! Steve! He’s the one who’s always encouraging the team to share their emotions and shit, and now he flat out refuses to talk. He wants to find the Winter Soldier and destroy HYDRA, though.” Tony added as an afterthought with a half-hearted shrug. 

He emptied his coffee cup and walked over to the trashcan, his heart suddenly beating as if it wanted to jump out of his rib cage. Oh fuck, not now.   
He bit down on his bottom lip, hard and buried his hands in his jeans’ pockets so that he could dig his nail into his thighs. One freak out per day was enough and he was sure as hell not having another panic attack at the fucking hospital! 

“It’s just…how am I supposed to help him? Destroying HYDRA? Finding Bucky Barnes? No problem at all, I can do that, I’ve got the resources and the necessary computers and friends in high places and all that jazz. But…but this? Happy? He actually cried, y’know, like, real tears and everything, and he looks like he’s in so much pain and I’m scared, I’m fucking terrified! What if I can’t make him better? When have I ever made anyone feel better about themselves after all? This…this feelings and emotions crap, I’m bad at it, it’s Steve who’s good at that shit, but now he’s closing himself off and that’s dangerous and I don’t want that for him, but what am I supposed to do? I brought Pepper strawberries when she was pissed at me. Strawberries! The only fucking food she’s allergic to! This is a disaster, Happy. I just want Steve to be okay…” 

Tony took a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair. He wasn’t fine, not even close, he was freaking out but he had to be strong for once, not for himself but for other people and his company. He was sure it was supposed to be an empowering feeling, but he’d really prefer not living with it. Being Iron Man and having to take care of civilians and all that was bad enough for his heart and his conscience. Now people were expecting him to save StarkIndustries – granted, he’d always cared about his company, so yeah, of course he’d do everything possible to save it - , the Avengers – well, he liked his team well enough and they were permanent residents of his tower, so yeah, he’d gladly take that responsibility - , and fucking SHIELD! Like, okay, he understood Hill’s trail of thoughts, he had money, she needed it, they were already working together, he’d read every top-secret document anyway, it didn’t hurt to ask. But Tony detested SHIELD!   
He’d need some time to think about it, do some calculations, talk it over with Pepper and the board, and ask Rhodey for his input. 

But all that would have to wait because Steve was going through some psycho-shock and Tony needed to focus on him for now. He wouldn’t be able to get any real work done like this, he knew it. 

Happy grabbed his shoulder and interrupted Tony’s pacing. Not sure of what to do, Tony raised his head and looked up at Happy, a lost expression on his face. 

“You’re doing everything you can boss. Steve might not see it right now, but give him a few days and he’ll come around. Just be here. Pepper and I can take care of SI and you can work from here now, right?” He nudged the briefcase that held Tony’s computer and StarkPad. Tony nodded wordlessly.   
“So just be by his side like you were by my side when I was in the coma. You might not think it’s much, but it’s enough, trust me, Tony.” 

Happy actually gave him a grim smile and Tony exhaled the breath he hadn’t noticed he was holding. Then he grabbed the briefcase and returned the smile that looked more like a grimace, but still, he was trying. 

“Thanks, Happy! Go take the day off for now and do something fun. Take my credit card. Or…just go to bed, whatever you want.” The smile looked realer this time and Happy nodded. 

“You take care! And call me if you need anything!” 

Tony waved at him and opened the door to Steve’s room again.   
Time to look at that file of Fury’s.


	4. Coming Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your kudos and comments! 
> 
> After a horribly long wait the new (unbeta-d, unchecked) chapter is finally complete! 
> 
> Enjoy!

The room hadn’t changed at all and Steve was still sleeping. His head was buried deep inside the pillow and he had the blanket pulled up to his chin. It was the picture of someone who was scared and believed himself to be defenseless. Looking at Steve like this made Tony’s skin crawl. 

He strode over to the window and opened it. Somehow the room had just gotten oppressing to him and he felt as if he couldn’t breath.   
Tony hung his head out of the window that thankfully wasn’t overlooking the street but instead the hospital’s courtyard. None of the people currently occupying it were looking up, so Tony had a few moments to himself to take a couple deep breaths. 

When the urge to scream had passed he sighed and turned around. Time to get back to work. 

Although Tony would have preferred to stay right next to Steve’s bed, he grudgingly accepted that he’d have to make use of the table for now. He needed space to set his computer up and he didn’t want to wake Steve by typing pretty much directly next to his face. That had to be annoying, especially with the enhanced senses and everything. 

So Tony sat down on the fucking uncomfortable chair again – shit, shoulda told Happy to bring a comfy chair! – and got to work. 

After setting everything up and answering the most urgent SI queries, he was ready.  
First he downloaded Fury’s file. By now he was silently dreading the content. The initial excitement had passed and all that was left was a subtle fear – why did it expressively say that he was supposed to watch it when he was alone? What more fucked-up secret could SHIELD possibly have after the whole HYDRA revelation? And why did Fury trust Tony with it? It made no fucking sense, Fury hated his guts and he had been against putting him on the Initiative at first. For Fury to send classified information to Tony specifically was enough to make him break into a cold sweat. And what did Fury think was gonna come from this? Did he expect Tony to fix whatever additional bullshit he was throwing at him just like that? While taking care of Steve, the Avengers and SHIELD?   
Sure, Tony was a genius and it made him more than a little smug that Fury was apparently acknowledging it, but he was pretty sure he’d be breaking down for good if there was much more pressure added. His plate was already overflowing and there was way too much damage control to be taken care of at way too many sites at the same time already. Adding another responsibility to it…

The file was encrypted. Tony scoffed. If this was the best Fury could do then it was no surprise that HYDRA had managed to infiltrate SHIELD…sloppy.   
It took Tony only a few second to crack the encryption and sent an adrenaline spike through his body. Fuck. This was it. Time to face the music. 

The file comprised a folder labeled ‘open when alone’. Tony scoffed again and through a glance at Steve’s bed. Steve was still buried underneath blanket and pillows, his breath going slow and steady. Tony was as alone as he’d get for the next couple days. 

He clicked the folder and it revealed a text document and a video. For a second the bizarre thought of Fury sending him porn crossed Tony’s mind and he shuddered. Damn that sleep deprivation, those were not thoughts he needed to be entertaining! Like, ever! 

Choosing to be a responsible adult for once, Tony clicked the text document first (it was conspicuously labeled ‘READ THIS FIRST’) even though his curiosity about the video was making him nauseous. A wall of text appeared and Tony rubbed at his eyes. Damn Fury, that son of a bitch, a simple phone call was apparently too much to ask for. 

‘Stark’ the document said and Tony snorted. Fury was just a delight.   
‘You already know I’m not dead, but I’m gonna be gone for a while. Don’t come looking for me if you value your pathetic life.   
Be careful around Hill, she’s the WSC’s pet and not a fan of your lil’ boy band. In fact, you’d be a stupid motherfucker to trust anyone in SHIELD.  
Watch the video when you’re alone, I mean it. Don’t watch it with Rogers around, but watch it soon. You won’t like it, might even cry a bit, but you gotta watch it.   
Use all that money to take care of these fuckers and for once in your life fucking try to be subtle.   
Don’t even think of contacting me.  
N.F.’ 

Tony read the text three times with raised eyebrows. What? Was Fury putting the life of the Avengers in Tony’s hands? Did he trust him enough to believe he’d be able to take care of them? That…huh…that actually brought a tired smile to his face.

The light feeling of happiness wasn’t enough to cancel out the anxiety looming under the surface, though. More expectations, this time placed on him by Fury, a man Tony had known his whole life, and that goddamn video. 

Tony sighed and closed the folder. For now. He’d get back to it later, when he was alone. Whenever that would be. 

Behind him, Steve made a tiny, strangled noise of distress and Tony whipped around, heart racing immediately. Steve’s fists were gripping the sheets tightly and he was sweating. He twitched and made the noise again, somewhere between scared and utterly devastated. 

Tony got up and sat down on the bed carefully. Then he ran a trembling hand through Steve’s hair and muttered, “Shh, it’s alright, Steve, everything’s fine, there’s no one here to hurt you, calm down, you’re good, we’re all okay, shh…” while his heart was hammering away in his chest. 

This time Steve definitely whimpered as he leaned into Tony’s touch and Tony felt like crying. 

“It was just a nightmare, Steve, nothing can hurt you here, I’m taking care of that, you’re safe, you’re good, everything’s gonna be okay…” 

“…Tony?” Steve asked groggily, voice hoarse and wavering from barely suppressed tears. 

“Yeah, ‘s all good, I’m with you”, Tony murmured and gently removed his hand as Steve propped himself up on his elbows and pushed himself in a sitting position. 

“…what? It’s the middle of the night…” Steve looked very lost and vulnerable and Tony gave him a minute to regain some orientation.   
“Why are you still here? Why aren’t you sleeping?” 

At that, Tony just scoffed and raised an eyebrow mockingly. “Really, Steve? As if I’d leave you alone in this hellhole.” 

Steve’s gaze dropped to the blanket. “’s not a hellhole…” he murmured, “everyone’s been real friendly…”

Tony shrugged and moved downwards on the bed until he was sitting at Steve’s feet, facing him. “Still, not gonna leave you, buttercup. Well, maybe to get some of that sad excuse they call coffee around here, but you get the message. I got my computer with me to solve the mess with SI, Pepper and Happy are in the office to take care of the problems there and Clint and Nat are enjoying some one on one time in the tower. You, however, oh Captain my Captain, got your ass landed in the hospital after going through some seriously traumatizing shit, so there’s no fucking way in hell I’d leave your bedside. Even less so for something as insignificant as sleeping.” He winked at Steve hoping to somehow lift his spirits and distract him from the nightmare. And since he was a master at rambling, what better way to tackle the problem than by rambling? 

It seemed to be working. Steve chuckled and ran a hand over his face.   
“Thanks, Tony. This place is kind of a hellhole…” 

At that, Tony piped up. “Hear, hear!” 

Steve just raised his eyebrows in return and smiled a mocking smile. “It’s a hospital, they’re not exactly at the top of my list of places to visit.”

“Aw, you got a list? That’s precious, Steve! What’s at the top? Tony’s amazingly tasteful bedroom in his awesome penthouse with the comfiest bed known to mankind?” Anything to make Steve smile more! 

He really did role his eyes and crack a smile. “Sure, Tony, whatever helps you sleep at night. Oh wait, it doesn’t, since you’ve decided that you’re better than the rest of us – again – and are above such petty things as sleeping and eating which are completely natural and a necessity! Even for you!”  
It was their usual debate, the one they had on a weekly basis and Tony reveled in the familiarity. 

“Happy brought me some coffee earlier, I’m good.” 

Steve sighed and the expression on his face turned somber. Damn. And then, suddenly, a blush crept on his face. 

Tony’s eyebrows shot up. Okay, this had better be good. 

“D’you wanna share the blanket? And, um, the bed? I know it’s not the biggest and not up to yours standards at all, but I’ve slept in smaller beds and I’d, um, really like it if you joined me. Um. Just in case you decide you want some sleep after all.” Steve mumbled, a faint blush covering his cheeks all the while looking at Tony with a hopeful expression. 

Fuck. Tony’s gaze flickered over to the table in the corner with his computer and tablet all set up and then back to Steve. Who still had that hopeful expression on his face. 

“Ah, fuck it!” Tony exclaimed and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m probably done with work anyway, normal people don’t work for three days straight either, so I should be okay with getting two hours of sleep.”

Steve nodded, but his expression turned serious and worried. “When was the last time you slept?”

“Steve, cupcake, don’t ask questions you don’t wanna hear the answer to!” Tony gave him his most disarming grin and shuffled closer to Steve so that they’d both fit under the thin hospital blanket. It really wasn’t comfortable. A hospital bed was not made for two grown men to sleep next to each other. 

“No, but seriously Steve, you don’t need to worry about me, I’m really fine. I know this seems fucking hypocritical of me, but worry about yourself for a change. It’s fine if you put yourself first just this once.” 

Steve made a small, unhappy noise and Tony poked his nose. 

“None of that now! Just stop thinking for now and go to sleep. You need to heal, Mr. Supersoldier. Oh, speaking of healing, is it okay if I out my head on your chest or are you hurt there? Urgh, I can already see the headlines: Captain America’s stay in hospital prolonged – Iron Man needed cuddles. Nope, not gonna have that!” Tony just kept rambling on, anything to make sure Steve stayed in good spirits. 

And Steve really did chuckle again. It wasn’t quite a laugh, but it was a start.   
“No, it’s fine, you can cuddle all you want. I had internal wounds but they’re mostly healed already, nothing to worry about.” 

Slowly and carefully Tony placed his head on Steve’s chest and draped his arm over his torso. His fingers found Steve’s shirt and dug into the fabric while Tony’s other arm was pulled close to his own chest. He exhaled one long breath.   
“I missed you.” It was a mere whisper, but Tony couldn’t hold back. Lying there like that in their usual position made him realize how much he really had been missing Steve. Feeling Steve’s body underneath his own and breathing in his smell made him feel as if he was finally coming home. The force of it hit him completely unexpected and Tony felt as if his heart was constricting in his chest. Fuck! 

A moment later he felt Steve stroke his hair with these long, artistic fingers of his and Tony couldn’t help the sigh that escaped him. 

“Missed you, too.” Steve murmured and Tony closed his eyes. Everything was still definitely fucked up and Steve was still a fucking mess, no doubt, but for the first time since the shit with HYDRA had hit the fan Tony felt something like hope. It was a nice feeling to fall asleep to. 

 

Unlike the harsh, loud knock that caused him to bolt upright and caused his eyes to snap up with a start. His heart was hammering in his chest as Tony took several calming breaths. He was in the hospital, in Steve’s room, and everything was fucking fine, there was no goddamn danger! 

Or maybe there was. The nurse that stepped into the room glared at him in a manner that would have made Pepper proud. 

“Mr. Stark, I presume.” She deadpanned in a voice that sounded so profoundly done that Tony could only admire her. She had a distinct no-nonsense attitude about her and managed to look threatening despite being a tiny woman with greying hair. 

“Good morning, Viola” Steve’s sheepish voice muttered next to him and Tony took this as his chance to entangle himself from the blanket and exit the bed. Judging by the dark glare nurse Viola sent his way it might have been a good move. 

“Um, morning, yeah, you’re right, I’m Tony Stark and I, um, I guess I should go, uh, get some coffee or something…?” He phrased it like a question while searching for his second shoe. Damn, that nurse was making him uncomfortable and he’d just woken up two seconds ago! 

“That sounds like a great idea, Mr. Stark. Make it a long breakfast.” She started taking Steve’s vitals and Steve just shrugged at Tony. 

“I’ll see you later, I guess? Sam wanted to come around today as well, maybe you’ll finally get to meet each other.” He smiled at that, so Tony forced himself to return the smile. 

“Sure, I still need to thank him for taking care of you. Well, uh, take care, good luck, see you in a bit!” He pulled his hoodie over his head, grabbed the glasses and his tablet and left. 

Viola didn’t so much as spare him another glance and Tony felt faintly impressed.   
Not many people managed to kick Tony Stark out of a room so effortlessly. 

And even though he had time to kill now, he felt a bubble of excitement in his stomach. Now was the time! He’d finally get to watch Fury’s mystery video! 

However, Tony was very much sick of the hospital at that point – his back hurt and he was in dire need f a chiropractic, that was nothing a simple massage would be able to fix anymore. So he stepped out of the building and quickly made his way to the metro. Even at 7am the streets were bustling with people rushing to work and Tony blended in perfectly. 

Before he’d made a conscious decision on where to go, he found himself in front of the Air and Space Museum again. What the fuck? That was seriously taking pining to a whole new level! Sure, he was Tony Stark and he was known for his disposition to excess, but this was ridiculous! The fucking museum wouldn’t even open for almost another two hours and he was standing in front of it like a fucking idiot! Or worse yet, like a goddamn heartsick teenager! God! 

Tony glared at the closed doors, not sure who he was angry at right now. Mostly himself, but also Fury for sending the video, nurse Viola for kicking him out and the people administering the museum for not opening earlier. 

Ah. Well. 

He could at least do something about the last problem. After all he was a genius that regularly hacked SHIELD and the pentagon for shits and giggles, he could enter a stupid museum if he wanted to. 

Tony walked up the stairs with newfound determination and went around the building until he reached a side entrance. There he found a panel for employees to slide their cards and access the building and another one to disable the alarm.   
Upon further inspection Tony noticed that the alarm system was already disabled. Huh, apparently the janitor or the cleaning staff were already there. That’d make it even easier to enter.

The door slid open soundlessly and Tony grinned to himself. If everything else failed he’d always have his brain. It was a soothing thought. 

Despite the disabled alarm system the halls were dark. Maybe the management was just clumsy, human error. That’s what happened if you left important work in the hands of humans! 

Tony walked through the corridors as if he owned the place. After a few quick steps he had entered the exhibition room. Almost instantly he felt calmer, it was almost embarrassing to admit to himself.   
Urgh! He was even worse than a fucking lovesick teenager! 

Determined to get back to work and stop thinking about Steve and his warmth and his smell – like, seriously, what the fuck, even in his own head he sounded like a pervert! – Tony dropped down on one of the benches near the left wall and took out his tablet. Then, just in case, he rummaged through his jeans until he found a pair of clearly used earphones. Better safe than sorry, who the fuck knew what Fury was sending him.   
Tony plugged the earphones in, put them in his ears and opened the folder. Then he looked around once more, his paranoia getting the best of him, but there was no one around. 

“Here goes nothing…” he muttered, took a deep breath and touched the ‘play’ symbol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay for cliffhangers! 
> 
> The next chapter's gonna get intense!


	5. Seeing Clearly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday Steve! 
> 
> Finals are working out great, I already aced the first part, the weather is amazing and I'm super productive! Yay! 
> 
> Enjoy another angst-filled chapter! 
> 
> Warning for suicidal themes

Tony’s heartbeat quickened immediately as he recognized the video for what it was: security footage of the helicarrier, deemed lost after its destruction. Tony hadn’t had the time to do some in-depth digging around the servers himself since the incident and the footage he had found had told him exactly nothing.   
This one was new. 

Steve was standing on one end of one of the aerial structures that served as emergency corridors inside the helicarrier. He was in full Captain America uniform, the original one, Tony noted absently, and looked as if he meant business. 

Then Steve started talking and Tony noticed the other figure. The fucking Winter Soldier, of course. With his hobo-hair and intense blank stare, what a joy. Everything about his posture screamed that he meant business and nausea started to well up in Tony. He was suddenly very sure that he didn’t wanna watch the video, nope, no thanks, he was good. He already had enough fuel for his nightmares without adding Steve getting his ass kicked royally without Tony being there to help him to the mix. 

Just as he was about to pause the video – because he was a fucking coward who couldn’t bear to see Steve beat to a pulp – Steve’s voice pierced through his ears, loud and clear. 

“Please don’t make me do this.” 

Oh fuck. Oh no, no, no.   
Tony felt as if someone had pulled the arc reactor out and stabbed him right in the heart. Cold white pain washed over him and left him breathless.  
Why the fuck was Fury making him watch this? This was private! This was fucking torture to watch, Steve was all vulnerable and Tony hadn’t been able to help and now he was in the hospital and seriously injured and…! Tony remembered breathing, then, his fists clenched so tightly that his fingernails were digging into his skin painfully, drawing blood. 

And then the fighting started and Tony felt vaguely as if he could never watch another mindless action movie again in his life. They were pretty balanced, but Steve, always the good little soldier, had a mission to finish as well. God, and what a mission it was. Fucking HYDRA! If only Tony had been there to fuck up their algorithm…  
Steve also wasn’t hitting nearly as hard as he normally did, Tony noticed. He clearly didn’t want to fight and he didn’t want to hurt the Winter Soldier. 

The HYDRA assassin didn’t have those kinda qualms, though. Damn. 

Tony winced as both of them went tumbling down onto the platform. Everything happened very fast after that and Tony could feel the blood drench from his face and cold sweat gathering on his brow. 

One shot in the leg. Boom. One grazing his already injured right side. Boom. And finally one in the back. Boom. 

Cap down.   
Blood seeped out from his midsection, staining the whole uniform red. Steve drew in a shuddering breath, his eyelids fluttering. Then his head slumped down, his eyes closed of their own accord and his body succumbed to the pain.

Tony watched in horror, his brain not comprehending what it was seeing. But he couldn’t avert his eyes and he couldn’t stop the video. He was numb, completely, so he kept staring at the screen. 

And then Steve came to life again to finish his fucking mission, to save hundreds of thousands of people from certain death from HYDRA, fucking hell, and of course Tony had known that Steve wasn’t dead, he couldn’t be, he was in the hospital, he had spoken to him not too long ago, he was mostly fine, it was all good, no need to get so worked up, it was all over, Steve was alive, Steve was gonna be okay, Steve…gave the order to blow up the helicarrier he was on. 

No. 

Steve wouldn’t. 

Maria Hill had apparently obeyed that order. 

A second later, the carrier was obviously hit and again Tony could only watch as Steve fell to the floor, again, still stuck in that damaged helicarrier, why wasn’t he running, fuck, why wasn’t he trying to get away? 

…because he was helping the fucking Winter Soldier, the noble idiot. Why? The guy had literally shot him in the back! 

“You know me.” Oh yes, right, of course, because it was fucking Bucky Barnes, Steve’s long lost childhood friend, who very apparently didn’t fucking know him at all! Why was Steve even trying? What was he hoping to accomplish? He had to be slowly bleeding out, oh god, the pain had to be unbearable, what was he doing, no! 

And now he was just letting the Winter Soldier beat him up. Oh. Oh fuck. This…this was bad. Tony recognized this. Tony was pretty sure he’d worn that exact same look before. This was someone who had given up. 

Sure enough, Steve threw his shield down, out of the carrier, and proclaimed, “I’m not gonna fight you. You’re my friend.” 

It was as if someone had dumped a bucket filled with ice-cold water over Tony’s head. He sat, frozen, as a cold, numb feeling spread through his body and the bile rose in his throat. Strangely enough, he felt oddly detached as he watched Steve not even countering the hits or trying to shield himself from them. His face was becoming a bloody mess. Huh, so that’s were the bruises were from, good to know. 

“Finish it.” What. “Cause I’m with you till the end of the line.” Boom. Explosion. 

Steve’s lifeless body falling off the helicarrier. 

Black.

Tony blinked stupidly at the screen for a full minute until he noticed that the video had ended. Ah. 

So Steve was apparently suicidal. That was new. He should have mentioned it to Tony, they could have had long bonding sessions over another shared interest. Hah. Haha.   
But wait, Tony had already known that of course. The idiot had flown his own plane into the ice. This really shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. Haha. 

He was laughing now, giggling hysterically, his body shaking with laughter. What the fuck. What had he just seen. What had Fury sent him. Oh god. He was laughing so hard now that he was sobbing. Was he sobbing? Why was he sobbing? Oh god, what the fuck was he even doing here, this wasn’t where Steve was at, he needed to see Steve, he needed to make sure Steve was alright, fuck, he was wasting his time, time he could have been spending with Steve, what was he doing, why was he fucking up again, he couldn’t fail Steve, not now! 

His sobs turned into hiccups. 

Tony got up as if he was in trance. He felt weird, as if he wasn’t really the one navigating his body. Maybe JARVIS had initiated autopilot. If he had, it was probably for the better. 

Tony moved into the next room, his tablet in a death-grip, ear buds still in place. Then he froze. 

What?

There was someone there. Base cap, greasy, shoulder-length hair, flannel, jeans. Male. He was bent over some display, apparently reading the text. 

Tony could pinpoint the exact second the stranger noticed him. The guy flinched violently and his body reacted with a full body shiver. He whipped around, stared at Tony, face expressionless, before turning on his heel and dashing out of the hall. 

It was about that time that Tony’s brain short circuited and he shifted to autopilot for real. 

 

When he became aware of his surrounding again he was standing in front of the hospital. Fuck. 

He couldn’t have just mentally blacked out all the way from the Smithsonian to the hospital, couldn’t he? He wasn’t that crazy yet. Oh shit, when he would tell Doc she would have a field day! This wasn’t even avoidance anymore, this was something else. He’d reached a new level of lying to himself. 

Oh god, but Steve. The video.   
Tony shivered and wrapped his arms around himself. He didn’t wanna think about it. He didn’t wanna think about the implications. Fuck it all. 

Steve…Steve had seriously been prepared to die. Killed by his former dead best friend turned undead HYDRA assassin with super strength and amnesia. He hadn’t fucking fought back. He’d give the order to blow up the helicarrier while on it.   
He’d been prepared to die. 

The more he thought about it, the more Tony could feel his brain shying away from the thoughts. The image of Steve saying “Finish it.” kept replaying behind his eyes and Tony felt his throat constrict painfully. 

He needed to see Steve. 

But before that there was something that needed to be done. Tony forced his shaking hands to be calm and typed a short command to JARVIS. 

“Find out everything you can about James Buchanan Barnes, Codename the Winter Soldier. Check the Smithsonian video feed.” 

Then he stored the StarkPad away in the hoodie’s pocket and entered the hospital lobby. No one spared him a glance as he went straight to the elevator.   
Inside there was only a small old woman on crutches who was humming to herself. Upon his entry her fond expression turned to one of worry and she grew quiet. 

Tony looked up at his reflection and cringed. His face was a red and splotchy mess, it was clear as day that he’d been crying for a long time. Fuck. He ran a hand over his eyes and started scrubbing furiously at them. 

“That’s only gonna make it worse, dear.” The old woman next to him said quietly and Tony dropped his hand again. 

“Yeah, I guess it’s a lost cause”, he replied, trying for nonchalance and sounding just hoarse and sad. 

The elevator stopped and he exited without another word. Then he went straight for the visitor’s bathroom. 

In the artificial light from the neon lights he looked even worse, his eyes red and swollen with deep, dark circles underneath them. His beard was getting out of form, his cheeks were lined with stubble and even his hair was matted and started to look greasy. He looked like a college kid at the end of finals and he felt even worse. Shit. The only upside of this was that no one would recognize him like that. Yay. 

He washed his face with cold water and rubbed at his eyes until he was certain that there were no more tear tracks to be seen. Then he grabbed a paper towel from the dispenser to his right and dried himself off. 

Another look in the mirror confirmed that he looked vaguely more human and less like a red and swollen blob although he’d still need a whole team of stylists to make him look presentable at this point. Oh god, he hoped there wasn’t another press conference coming up in the next few days. He’d have to make Pepper go if there was. 

He threw the paper towel away and exited the washroom. Then he squared his shoulders and walked over to Steve’s room. He wasn’t frightened. Of course not.   
He was fucking scared shitless. 

Why hadn’t Steve said anything? How the fuck had Steve survived in the first place? And why…no. Tony banished the thought before he’d even finished thinking it. There was no use to entertain those kinda thoughts now. They were decidedly not helping. 

He rapped his knuckles against the door and opened it without waiting for an answer. And startled. 

Two head whipped around and two pairs of eyes fixated on him. 

“Oh, um, hi, I- you’re Sam Wilson, the Falcon, right, Steve said you’d be coming today, I just, sorry, Steve, I didn’t forget, it’s cool, I can just sit here, I won’t disturb you, or-or I can go again, I can leave you two alone if you want, I don’t mind-“ 

“Tony, hi”, Steve cut off his ramblings with the ghost of a smile. Then he raised his eyebrows and looked at Sam Wilson. “Sam, this is Tony Stark, I’ve told you about him. Tony, this is Sam, he’s a good friend and he really helped me out.” 

Sam stared at Tony, unmasked awe in his eyes as if he was meeting his biggest idol. Oh fuck, Tony sure as hell hoped it wasn’t like that, he didn’t deserve to be anyone’s biggest idol. 

“It’s an honor to meet you, man!” Yup. That was a fanboy right there. The guy’s eyes were shining as he gave Tony a star-struck look. 

“Eh, I’m really not that great”, Tony deflected and closed the door behind him. The guy had just seen him in full ramble-mode and was still impressed? Wow.  
“You, however, seem to be some kinda hero. Steve wouldn’t shut up about you when he videocalled me. It hurt my bruised ego.” He nodded gravely as Steve sighed. Then Tony winked at Sam. “No, seriously though, I gotta thank you. You took great care of Steve and Nat and you protected them. I appreciate that. Let me make it up to you…um…ah, right! You got those awesome wings, right? I gather they were damaged pretty critically during the whole, uh, HYDRA situation, yeah? Tell you what, I’m gonna fix them, better yet, I’m gonna upgrade them. Sound good? Good.” 

He dropped down on Steve’s bed, right next to Steve’s feet and Steve gave him a bemused look. 

Sam seemed to have temporarily shut down from the sensory overload. Tony couldn’t really blame him. 

He was a good guy, Tony knew that much. He had run every background check at his disposition – which meant he now knew every little detail about the guy, including his favorite supermarket and the store where he bought his underwear – and everything had come up clean. He was a good choice for a friend. Tony approved. 

“Where have you been all this time?” Steve asked softly and Tony tore his gaze from Sam. He looked at Steve, vulnerable Steve Rogers who looked lost and small despite being tall and broad and muscular and all he could think of was “Finish it.”. A wave of anxiety washed over him and Tony buried his hands in the sheets. 

“Ah, y’know, just wandering”, he replied, trying for a light tone and failing horribly. 

Steve raised an eyebrow at that, concern seeping into his forlorn expression and Tony got this constricting feeling in his chest again. 

“No, no, you don’t get to look at me like that, you’re the one in the hospital with the bullet wounds and all that shit, you don’t get to worry about me, I’m fine, you just focus on getting well, I promise, I’m good, and maybe I wasn’t wandering yeah, that one was a lie, but I got a company to run and Hill needs assistance with SHIELD and you know I tend to, uh, forget the time when I’m working, but I didn’t mean to abandon you here, I actually remembered that Sam was gonna visit so I thought you’d be fine, sorry for lying, please don’t look at me like that.” The words rushed out of him and at the end of his outburst Tony was breathing heavily and Steve looked a bit baffled. 

To Tony’s surprise it was Sam who spoke next. “Have you had lunch yet?” 

Tony stared. 

“Oh God, good thinking, Sam. When was the last time you ate, Tony?” 

He didn’t see how this was relevant at all. And he should probably make something up. However, his brain seemed to have sustained some kind of long-time damage from his earlier shutdown, so he replied, “I made an omelet on the flight here.” 

Steve looked absolutely horrified. Tony shrugged half-heartedly. This could hardly come as a surprise. 

“God, Tony! Are you trying to kill yourself?” Steve asked and Tony flinched visibly. 

Nope, no, absolutely not going there, not gonna think about it, everything was fine, Steve was gonna be okay, no reason to freak out. 

“Our man Tony is a busy man” Sam said cheerily and wait, when had Tony become best buddies with the guy? “Luckily, I haven’t had lunch either, so we can go down to the cafeteria together. That sound okay, Cap?” he asked with a good-natured grin and Steve just shook his head. 

Tony’s heart was still hammering against his ribcage painfully. 

“Please make sure he actually eats some solid food, smoothies don’t count”, Steve said with a resigned sigh and Sam got up from the chair next to Steve’s bed with a smile.   
“You got it!” 

He walked over to the door and Tony took that as his cue to follow. He mumbled some sort of goodbye to Steve and stumbled out of the door. Then he trailed after Sam who was making his way down the corridor and towards the elevator. 

When Tony reached the elevator, Sam placed his hands on Tony’s shoulders and looked him straight in the eye. 

“Breathe”, he instructed calmly and took a deep breath. “C’mon, Tony, breathe with me.” 

And Tony did. He focused on the steady rise and fall of Sam’s chest and willed himself to take deep breaths with him. Sam held his gaze and Tony gradually noticed how he calmed down again. 

“Shit…”, he murmured after he’d somewhat regained his composure, and ran a hand over his face. Right. The guy was some kinda counselor, too, it was somewhere in his file. Awesome. That had to be how he’d always imagined meeting Tony Stark would be like for sure. Talking him down from a panic attack, that just had to be his definition of fun. 

“Hey, it’s alright, man.” Sam said and removed his hands. “It’s gotta be tough to see him in a hospital like that, dude’s pretty much indestructible. And anyone would be stressed out if they had as much on their plates like you.” 

“Right” Tony clipped and Sam pushed the button on the elevator door. 

“Do you wanna go down to the cafeteria? I really haven’t had lunch yet, that wasn’t even a lie”, Sam said with a smile and Tony just nodded. Whatever. 

“Yeah, I should probably really eat something as well. I didn’t lie either, I forget to eat when I’m working.” 

They rode the crowded elevator to the first floor where the cafeteria was located. 

“Were you really?” Sam asked and Tony quirked an eyebrow. 

“Was I really what?” 

“Working.” 

Ah, he was perceptive as well. Shit. That probably meant Steve had picked up his lie as well. Not good. 

They walked up to the cafeteria that was luckily pretty deserted and Tony shrugged, a self-deprecating smile on his face.   
“Not reaaaally.” He stretched the ‘really’ in an obnoxious way and Sam just gave him a questioning look. 

Tony took out his phone and looked at JARVIS’ report. Bingo. 

He locked eyes with Sam and said, “I found Bucky.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it, sorry for the slow updates! 
> 
> Have a nice summer (vacation)!


	6. Making Choices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry about the wait! First there were finals and then I was on a vacation without my computer...

The way Sam’s mouth dropped open was quite comical. When he continued to just stare at Tony, mouth agape and eyes bulging out of his face, Tony grew a bit concerned. 

“Um, you wanted to find him, right?” he asked uncertainly. 

Sam nodded slowly, still no entirely recovered from the revelation. He managed to close his mouth though, so that had to mean something, right? Tony hoped he hadn’t broken Steve’s friend. 

“Yeah, yeah, we did…” Sam answered, his tone disbelieving. “Never mind that we haven’t even started searching yet, I mean, you’re Tony Stark, I shouldn’t be surprised. All of you guys, you and Nat and Steve, you’re all not normal, I don’t know what I was expecting…how is this my life?” 

Tony snorted at that. “Believe me, buddy, I’ve been asking myself the same thing for years.” He shrugged. “Just accept it, there’s no chance to escape, it’s too late for that now.”

The cafeteria was still pretty much empty, so their strange conversation and the fact that they had simply stopped walking right in the middle of the room didn’t draw too much attention. Still, the way they were just standing there was getting a bit awkward in Tony’s opinion and that was saying a lot. 

Sam seemed to agree as he drew a breath and murmured, “I wanna know everything you’ve found out. But first I need some food, this is the kinda crazy I can’t take on an empty stomach. And you’re getting something, too, I promised Cap.”

It seemed as if no one could say no to Steve, Tony noted. Without much enthusiasm he turned toward the food on display. Urgh. ‘Unappealing’ was too kind a word to describe the wilted and dry sandwiches in front of him.   
He shared a look of equal disgust with Sam until they reached the pizza. Tony mused idly that the US had to be the only place in the world where you could find pizza in a hospital. 

“Can’t I just get a coffee?”, he whined without much conviction. Sam just raised an eyebrow and shook his head. Then he ordered two slices of pepperoni pizza from the bored looking lady behind the counter. Damn. 

Tony still got his coffee, simply because he could. Then he paid for the pizzas and the coffee because he was Tony Stark. Any protest from Sam was quickly silenced. It was ridiculous, really, that people insisted on paying for themselves in Tony’s presence. He had enough money to fund the Avengers by himself, after all, so a slice of pizza wouldn’t hurt him.   
Pizza and coffee in hand Tony and Sam quickly walked over to a secluded table in the far left corner of the cafeteria. This was a conversation best not overheard by random civilians. 

Tony threw himself on the bench with a sigh. “Bucky is here, in DC. I saw him earlier this morning.” He took a sip of his coffee and gritted his teeth while trying to fight off any thoughts of the video. Not now, he needed to keep it together! 

Sam, who had slid into the booth and was now chewing on his pizza swallowed thickly while his eyes turned all big and round again.   
“Where?” he just asked and drew his eyebrows together. 

“The Captain America Exhibit”, Tony admitted sheepishly and raised his eyebrows with a shrug. He gave Sam a self-deprecating smile. “I know it’s strange and borderline creepy, but technically all the stuff belongs to me anyway, I’m just lending it to the museum, and it kinda, I dunno, helps me think? Don’t tell Steve, please, I know it’s weird to go there, but the first time I went I thought I saw someone I thought I recognized from somewhere. So I had JARVIS look through the security footage. And today when I went before the museum was open this guy was there again. Turns out he’s been visiting the exhibit ever since the HYDRA shit went down. I had JARVIS cross-reference his features and yup, turns out he’s the Winter Soldier slash Bucky Barnes.” He took another sip of his coffee. “Was pretty easy, actually, the guy wasn’t too stealthy. Seemed pretty out of it, too, to be honest.” 

Sam let out a short whistle. “Wow…you superhero-types are really something else, huh? I was getting ready to track the guy through the whole country and you find him in an afternoon…” 

“Sorry I cut your road trip short”, Tony said, sounding not sorry at all. Then he sighed and ran a hand through his greasy hair. Fuck, he really needed a shower!   
“So…I know that’s not like me, but I could use some input. What d’you think I should do? I mean, the guy was reading the display about himself during the war, so maybe that’s a good sign. But then again he’s been in the hands of HYDRA for 70 years and they are the prime example of mad scientists, so he could be a complete lunatic. Not to forget he’s potentially dangerous and tried to kill Steve, who gladly let himself be beaten up by him, because he’s his best friend, even if the guy doesn’t fucking remember it, so-“ 

Tony cut himself off before he could say any more, but judging from the look of panic on Sam’s face he had already said too much. Fuck. He didn’t want to talk about what he’d seen in the video at all. Talking about it meant acknowledging it and that would make it real. And then he’d have to confront Steve and might get an answer he wouldn’t like and then he’d have to take care of Steve, but he couldn’t take care of Steve, Steve was the one who always took care of everyone, Tony couldn’t fix Steve! 

He laughed once, sharp and slightly hysterical and struggled to keep up a lopsided grin. His voice was trembling just a bit when he continued. “But I mean, that’s Cap for you, right? Just a kid from Brooklyn…” 

There was an awkward silence for a moment before Sam opened his mouth to speak. Tony could already feel the onslaught on questions and nope, he didn’t have any energy for that right now. So he just talked over Sam. Rude, yeah, but he was Tony Stark, so whatever. 

“Anyway, what I am wondering is should we tell Steve about Bucky? Should we continue to watch him for a while so that we can make sure he’s not gonna go psycho on us? Should we wait till Steve has recovered? I don’t really know what’s standard protocol in a situation like this, best friends coming back from the dead as amnesiac crazy evil assassins and all that…” He had tried to keep his voice humorous but it had just turned hard toward the end. Whatever. He was fucking tired and he needed to get back to SI soon, this shit had to be dealt with fast. 

The expression on Sam’s face changed to one of bewilderment and he raised his hands. “Dude, Tony, I…you’re honestly asking for my input?” 

Tony shrugged a little helplessly and played with the sleeve of his hoodie. “Yeah?” 

“I don’t know if I should feel honored or scared…” he muttered in response and Tony managed a wry grin. 

“Just settle for being awed by the trust I place in you for now. And tell me your opinion, I’m seriously at a loss here and it takes a lot for me to admit that, so there.” He wasn’t even lying and that scared him. Lying was second nature to him and he didn’t even know Sam. 

Apparently the Falcon grasped the seriousness of the situation. Yay for soldiers and their instinct to follow orders.   
God, Tony would have made a horrible soldier. 

“The doctor said that Steve can go home tomorrow morning, so that doesn’t leave you with that much time to plan.” 

What? That was news. Steve was coming home? Tomorrow? Why hadn’t anyone told him? Why hadn’t he known about that? And where was ‘home’ anyway? The strangely futuristic house at the Potomac? Or Avengers Tower in New York? What about SI? What about SHIELD? How was Tony supposed to prepare everything in just a day? 

“…aaand I take it you didn’t know about that. Sorry, man, I thought you already knew about his release.” 

Tony just shook his head mutely and tried to calm his racing thoughts. No need to freak. It could be done. He had discovered a new element in less time, for fuck’s sake, he’d be fine, no reason to panic, everything would be fine.   
When he was fairly certain his voice would come out firm, he answered, “Ah, well, at least that rules out the option of us watching Bucky. Steve really wants to see him, right?” 

Sam nodded. 

“Mhm. I guess I’m gonna talk to him.”

“To Steve?” Sam asked, clearly relieved, but Tony shook his head. 

“Nope. To Bucky. Don’t wanna spoil the surprise.” 

“Let me come with you!” Sam demanded, determined. Right, he was a soldier. 

“Not gonna happen. You fought against the guy, he knows you as the enemy. He’s seen my face before but he didn’t start a fight. In fact, he ran away at our last encounter, so I guess I’m pretty much save. I’m gonna take the suit, though, just in case, I’m not completely naïve.” 

He made a valid point there and Sam knew it. Grudgingly he inclined his head. 

“So…what are you gonna say to him?” 

Ah, wasn’t that just the question? Fuck if he knew!   
Tony shrugged, halfheartedly. “I’m a genius, I’ll improvise. If he’s stable enough I could invite him to the tower. D’you think that’s a good idea? D’you think that would make Steve happy? Guaranteed Bucky doesn’t try to kill him again, but if he doesn’t I could totally bring him, right?” Unfortunately he didn’t manage to sound too sure of himself. And honestly, even Tony could tell that this was a particularly bad plan, even by his standards. In fact it was no plan at all. 

Sam stared at him as if he was mad. Yup. Then he chuckled dryly. “Yeah, sure, Steve wants to talk to Bucky. If there’s something of the guy Cap once knew left in him, I say go for it. And even if he turns out to be a madman, I’m sure you guys can handle it what with being the Avengers and all that.” 

“Right.” Tony gave him a curt nod and turned toward his phone. “JARVIS, make a keycard for Sam Wilson.” 

“What?”

Tony put his phone back in his pocket and pulled up his hood. Somehow he felt vulnerable dressed all casually like that.   
He raised an eyebrow at Sam and slid out of the booth. “What? You don’t wanna come visit? Not as fun as a road trip, granted, but life at the Tower’s not too boring, either. I’ll have your card delivered to you, you’ll be granted access to all communal areas, just in case you ever decide to visit Steve and Nat or something.” With that he started walking in the direction of the elevator.

Belatedly, Sam got up as well and went to follow Tony. “You know my address…” he muttered, his tone somewhere between awed and concerned. 

Tony’s lips quirked upwards. “Sam, Sammy, Sammy-boy, I don’t just have your address, I’ve got every information that was ever registered about you. I got your elementary school records and I know your SAT-results.” 

The pitiful noise Sam made in return managed to lift Tony’s spirits ever so slightly. Ah yes, normal people. Tony often forgot how amusing they were. 

“No need to look so alarmed, I didn’t actually read all the intel about you, just the relevant parts about your time in the army and what you’re doing now and all that. Standard procedure, y’know.” 

“Talk about being an overly protective control freak…” Sam’s mutter was so quiet Tony nearly wouldn’t have caught it as they took the elevator back up to Steve’s room. 

“What was that?” He asked with a mean grin on his face and Sam just groaned. Tony chuckled. 

“Hey, what did you expect, he’s Captain America, of course I run background checks on the people he interacts with! He’s too important not to!” And it had always worked so splendidly, hadn’t it? Fucking HYDRA. 

“…right, that’s the only reason you run background checks on him”, Sam grumbled under his breath and knocked on Steve’s door. 

Tony gave him the most innocent look he could muster. Yeah, Steve’s taste in friends was okay; Sam seemed like a good guy, Tony approved. 

“I had some pizza!” he declared proudly and flopped down on Steve’s bed. 

Steve was sitting upright on top of the blankets and appeared to be… 

“…are you actually texting?” Incredulous wasn’t strong enough to describe what Tony was feeling right then. What the fuck? What was he doing? Was he actually embracing modern technology? All by himself? 

Steve looked all happy and healthy and dandy, wearing light grey sweatpants and his trademark white, way too tight v-neck. His bruises were healed but there was still a bandage wrapped around his stomach. However he looked fine, way better than before, and there was an actual smile on his face as he locked the screen of his StarkPhone and put it down gently on the nightstand before pulling down the hood and ruffling Tony’s hair. 

“I was texting Natasha, she’s bored. After all she is alone in the Tower while everyone’s out and she can’t leave. Even Hawkeye is with Hill on some SHIELD business. And I was getting a bit bored, too, to be honest. You two really took your time.” His smiled his beautiful stupid boy scout-smile and Tony wanted to wrap his arms around him and never let him go. 

Steve’s hand trailed down from his head and slipped under his hoodie. His second hand joined and he started massaging the tight knots on Tony’s back. 

Tony groaned in response, but it was mostly in pain. Damn, he was tense!   
“Don’t, I’m filthy…” he ground out and Steve snorted. “Believe me, I know.”

In front of them, Sam made a noise of dismay. “TMI, guys! I’m all for equality and free love and expressing yourself and all that shit, but I do not need to hear this! And I’m not discriminating here, I don’t need to hear this from any of my friends! Tony, man, it was awesome to meet you. I still think it’s creepy that you got my SAT-scores, but I guess I gotta get used to it. If anything happens, just call me, I’m sure you got my number. Steve, buddy, I’m gonna talk to you as soon as you’re home. Don’t forget that you’re in the hospital, guys!” With that he saluted and promptly left. 

The room was silent for a moment and Tony leaned back against Steve’s chest gingerly, his eyes closed. He was extra careful so as not to aggravate Steve’s injuries any further, not now that he was mostly healed. 

Steve reacted immediately and wrapped his arms around Tony, pulling him closer. 

“Be careful, you’re still injured”, Tony muttered but didn’t pull away.

“I’m fine. In fact, the doctor said I could go home tomorrow.” 

So it was true. Tony wasn’t sure whether to feel relieved or terrified. It was a good thing Sam had warned him. 

“Where do you wanna go? I bought a house near the Potomac, or rather I had J buy it ‘cause I was busy and it’s pretty crappy, actually, and weirdly futuristic, like, not my type of futuristic but just plain strange, but if you wanna stay here I’m sure I can make it, uh, more appealing somehow. Or we could go back to New York, to the Tower. It’s your choice, I’ve got my private jet here anyway.” 

How the fuck was he supposed to get Bucky to the Tower in that little time? Awesome idea, really! 

“I guess we could go back to New York. I was only here because of SHIELD and SHIELD is gone. I wanna go look for Bucky, but first we’ve gotta figure out what’s gonna happen to the Avengers, that’s more important right now, I realize that.” He sounded young and hurt and frightened as he said it and Tony was glad he had already found Bucky. Anything to ensure that Steve wasn’t suffering. 

He opened his eyes again reluctantly and turned around. Then he gave Steve a quick, chaste kiss on the mouth.   
“Don’t worry, I’ve got it under control. Everything’s gonna be fine, okay? I’m gonna ready the jet and as soon as you’re good to go, we’re gonna leave this place and go home.”

“I’d like that”, Steve replied quietly and pulled Tony into another kiss. 

Tomorrow. Fuck. Tony’d have to work his ass off that night. There was no fucking chance of sleep. But then again, sleep was for the weak, right, and Tony was anything but weak. He’d show them, everyone! Pepper and SI, Hill and SHIELD, Steve and the Avengers and Bucky, he’d show them all and he’d do it within the next 16 hours. 

Oh joy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Tony is bringing the party home! 
> 
> Thoughts? :)


	7. Picking up Strays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your continued support! It makes me so happy to know that actual people are reading my story! 
> 
> It's finally here, the one chapter that I had planned from the very beginning! Scenes from this chapter were originally supposed to happen in the first chapter, but plot happened...anyway, now, 20k words later, we're finally here! 
> 
> Enjoy! (It turned out a bit longer than planned...)

Tony had called Happy and was on his way out of the hospital. Leaving Steve had felt wrong, but the knowledge that it was only one more night apart reassured him somewhat. Besides, he didn’t have time to worry about Steve, he was in for a hell of a night. 

“Hey Happy, get me to my house ASAP”, Tony said as way of greeting and slid into the passenger seat. “I need a shower…fuck…” By now he felt downright disgusting and all sticky. Urgh! 

Happy started the car before Tony had even buckled his seatbelt.   
“Sure thing, boss. Everything okay with the Captain?” 

“Yeah, he’s getting released first thing tomorrow. We’re gonna go back to New York. How’s Pepper?” He took out his phone and checked his mails, then decided to inform Bruce about the situation. The whole Bucky-situation. He was so far away that he couldn’t stop Tony even if he tried, so it should be safe. It was also not really nice to leave his friends and colleagues in the dark like that when it came to Steve’s situation, Tony noticed, so he quickly informed the rest of the Avengers about their return to the Tower and Steve’s improved health. 

“Oh, she’s…well, she’s a bit like you in a crisis, only in a slightly healthier way. Hasn’t left SI once, I had to bring her changes of clothing, but she insists that she’s fine.” 

Tony groaned. “That sounds like Pepper alright. I’m going there as soon as I feel like a human being again.” 

He turned his head towards Happy, expression serious all of a sudden. He trusted Happy, but it never hurt to be more careful. “Happy. I’m gonna have a phone call about a super secret plan of mine now. You’re gonna pretend not to hear anything, alright? I don’t need your input and I don’t need anyone to try and stop me, so just, I dunno, plug in some ear buds and turn on some AC/DC, there should be a fully stocked StarkPhone somewhere in the glove compartment.” 

Happy threw him a thoroughly unimpressed glance in response before turning his eyes back on the road. “You’re a force of nature once you’ve got an idea stuck in your head, boss, I’m not gonna stop you.” 

“Good man!” Tony grinned and pressed his phone against his ear. 

“Tony. I just read your mail. I’m glad you’re coming home.” 

“Nat, aw, nice to hear it”, Tony drawled upon hearing Natasha’s voice at the other end. She was still hiding inside the Tower and sounded as if she was genuinely looking forward to the company. 

There was a short pause before Natasha spoke up again, voice skeptical now. “What have you done?” 

Ah, shit. You couldn’t deceive the super spy. Not even when you were Tony Stark and talking over a fucking phone, apparently. Fuck.   
“Nat, Tasha, sweetheart, you wound me-“ 

“Cut the crap, Stark. Why are you calling?” 

Tony took a deep breath through his nose. “You’re not gonna like this…” 

Her response was a sarcastic quip. “I figured as much.” 

“It’s Bucky. The Winter Soldier.” He brought his free hand up to his face and massaged the bridge of his nose. “I found him.”

There was a sharp intake of breath on Natasha’s end. “Did you inform Hill?” 

Tony snorted. “Right. You know me, Nat, of course Maria Hill is the first person I informed.” He raised an eyebrow at Happy and rolled his eyes. Happy just shrugged in response. 

“So you haven’t told anyone?” Her tone was disapproving, but not as much as Tony had expected. Apparently Hill wasn’t that high up on Natasha’s favorite people list at the moment either. Or ever. Hadn’t there been some kinda buried resentment? Tony couldn’t remember. 

“Nah. I actually talked to your buddy Sam. Nice guy. He didn’t quite approve of my plan, but he didn’t really disapprove either. As I said, great guy! And now I’m telling you, look at me being all team player-y and sharing!” 

“Right.” Natasha didn’t miss a beat. “You’ve got, what, 16 hours till you board your plane?” she asked, ever the attentive one. 

Tony made a noise of agreement. 

“Alright. What do you need? How can I help?” 

“I just wanna give you a heads up so you don’t murder the guy. Or me. Or Steve. Cause I actually, uh, plan on bringing him. Not Steve, well, him too, of course, but Bucky. If I can convince him to come. I know where he hangs out, he’s at Steve’s exhibit - cute, right, or a bit obsessive, I’m not sure - so I’m gonna go there and talk to him and then invite him to stay with us, as, like, an I’m-happy-you-survived-gift to Steve? I mean, because Steve wants to find him since he’s his best friend and HYDRA messed with his head good and HYDRA’s our enemy, so it’s only fair, right? I mean, if he was brainwashed it’s kinda not his fault that he’s killed a ton of people, yeah? And everyone’s gonna want a piece of him anyway, so I call dibs.” 

“You call dibs. On a brainwashed assassin. Who you wanna give to Steve as a gift.” 

That was pretty much the gist of it, yeah. “Mhm” Tony responded a bit proudly. 

On the phone there was a sigh. “And how do you want to get him to the Tower? I assume you want Steve and the Winter Soldier to have their heartfelt reunion here?” Natasha sounded very much done. It was okay, Tony tended to have that effect on people. 

They had arrived at Tony’s ugly house and Tony had taken the elevator up. Currently he was in the process of undressing while JARVIS had Natasha put on speaker. It was a testament to his tight schedule that Tony didn’t brew himself a cup of coffee or pour a drink to sit down with and instead talked to Natasha while getting into the shower. 

“JARVIS, I need fresh clothes, nothing too fancy but not too casual either. Um. Yeah. How to get Bucky to New York. I guess I’ll just improvise. I’m gonna see Pepper at SI now and then I’m gonna check on Bucky. He’s pretty much spent every waking minute at the exhibit since the Helicarriers got destroyed, so I guess I’ll be able to find him. I’ll tell you once I’ve talked to him, okay?”   
He stripped off his boxers and entered the bathroom. 

“You do that, Tony” Natasha answered a bit exasperatedly. “Just be careful. He’s an internationally renown assassin.” 

Snippets from the video flashed up behind Tony’s eyes and his voice sounded grim when he answered, “Oh, I know. He’s a killer alright.” And he’d been fucking close to killing Steve. Too fucking close! Tony needed to observe the fucker to make sure he didn’t actually cause Steve any lasting harm. And if he did…Tony stopped his thoughts. Nope. That was dark terrain he was venturing into. He wanted Steve to get his best friend back, end of story. 

“Call me when you’ve got him. Subdue him if you must.” Natasha’s voice was harsh and Tony found himself nodding. 

“Right, will do! Thanks, Nat!” 

JARVIS ended the call and Tony stepped into the shower. He honestly didn’t know where these violent thoughts had come from and he wasn’t ready to find out. That was an unpleasant trip down the road of self-discovery for another day. 

“J, start the shower. And call Pep.” 

The warm water hit him pleasantly and Tony sighed, content for the moment. Then he heard Pepper’s voice. 

“Yes, Tony? What can I do for you…where are you? Is that water in the background? Are you okay, Tony?” Her voice changed from weary to confused to worried in a matter of seconds and Tony squeezed some shower gel into his left palm. 

“I’m good, in the shower right now, you’re on speaker, don’t worry. I don’t have much time.” 

Pepper had been working for Tony long enough that she didn’t question him. Tony vowed to organize a nice vacation for her when the current shitstorm had passed. She deserved it. 

“So anyway. Soon as I’m done I’m gonna come over. Think you can schedule a press conference on that short notice and send the details to JARVIS so I can learn what to say while I’m on the way? I gotta go home tomorrow so we need to wrap this shit up now.”  
As he evenly spread the gel over his shoulders and started massaging his sore muscles Tony couldn’t suppress a soft moan. He was starting to feel like a human again and it was glorious. 

Pepper was apparently of a different opinion, though. “What? Tony, no! You can’t just decide things of that scope like that by yourself while you’re in the shower!” 

“Why not?” Tony asked, unperturbed, and reached for the shampoo bottle. 

“You are giving me, what, 8 hours to organize a press conference? Now? With SHIELD under scrutiny and HYDRA running wild? Because there won’t be any press conference tonight, I can promise you that! You can’t just randomly decide something like this!” 

It wasn’t his usual shampoo but instead something that smelled strangely fruity and sweet. His hair, however, was so fucking greasy at this point that he couldn’t be picky. He shrugged and poured a good portion directly onto his head. 

“It’s not all that random, Pep. Think about it. We’re weak right now, the whole economy is weak, everyone’s confused, no one wants to be the first to act. Everyone’s scared so they sit on their asses and do nothing. SI was hit especially hard what with the SHIELD and Avengers affiliation. Which doesn’t even exist, not even on paper, Iron Man’s been kept completely separate from SI from the start, but the public doesn’t wanna see that. More convenient like that, painting me as the bad guy. Which, you know what, fine, I don’t even care, it’s the public, they fucking suck, ungrateful bastards - it’s not like I’m protecting their collective asses on a daily basis, but fine, hate me all you want - but now I gotta take a stand. Pep, I’m gonna fund the Avengers. Me, Tony Stark, not SI. And I’m gonna publicly cut all ties with SHIELD.” 

He sighed and started washing out the fruity mess in his hair. Hopefully his ramblings made sense to Pepper. 

“I’m gonna talk to Hill ASAP, I wanna continue working with her, I’ll have to. But I can’t have any public affiliation with SHIELD whatsoever. They’re too dirty, too problematic, too compromised. The public doesn’t trust them and they’ve got every right not to. Hell, I don’t fucking trust them! Anyway, not the point, sorry. So, SHIELD is not transparent enough which is why I need to separate the Avengers from them so as not to, uh, anger the public anymore. Wasn’t it you who told me that the public image is everything? The world needs the Avengers, now more than ever. There’s gonna be a serious outbreak of crimes committed by HYDRA and HYDRA imitators and there’s also the shit Thor’s been dealing with, who knows if random aliens won’t come to earth again. Point being, we need to be ready to act and we can’t have scared civilians keeping us from doing our work. SHIELD needs to fade into the background again where it belongs so that Hill can rebuild in peace. And SI needs to go on the offense. I’m gonna make sure that people know that Iron Man and the Avengers won’t interfere with SI, ever, and I’m gonna make sure that everyone knows that the attack didn’t hit us at all.” 

“But it did, Tony! We’re hurting!” Pepper interrupted him in a shrill voice. 

Tony stepped out of the shower and grabbed a fluffy towel. 

“Fake it till you make it, you know how it goes. JARVIS, clear the mirror, I need to shave.”   
He quickly dried himself off and walked over to the mirror to restore his goatee to its usual glory. 

“What has brought this on, Tony? Why are you in such a hurry?” There was a worried note in Pepper’s voice now and Tony bit his lower lip. Nope. No freak-out now! 

“It’s…it’s Steve. Pep, he’s…not good.” 

There was a sharp intake of breath. Tony really needed to stop making women gasp over the phone like that. 

“What? What’s wrong with him? I thought he was getting released tomorrow?” There was real concern in her voice and he could feel the panic rise. 

Tony forced his hand to be steady. He didn’t need to cut himself while shaving now, not with an impeding press conference.   
“Ah, physically he’s golden, he looks great, his injuries are mostly healed, everything’s looking dandy. He claims he’s perfect. But I know he’s not. He’s in a bad way, Pepper. I’m worried and I know that’s fucking selfish of me, at a time like this, but I don’t wanna worry about the fucking company right now, I need to be there for Steve. Pep, he doesn’t even wanna talk to his therapist! It’s…he’s behaving irrationally, he’s behaving like me and that’s bad, seriously bad. I mean, look at me, even I realized how bad it is and that in itself is fucking scary!” 

“Oh Tony, no, that’s fine. Do you want to talk about it? It’s completely normal for you to want to be there for Steve when he’s going through a hardship.” It sounded so reasonable when Pepper said it like that.   
“And with Steve out of the picture you’re de-facto Avengers-leader, right? I understand that you need to be with them. As long as you convince our partners that you’ll continue working as head of R&D, StarkIndustries it’s going to be fine. Just make sure to invent something once in a while or bring out the occasional update and I’ll keep them quiet.” 

There was a grey Henley and a black suit jacket on the chair by the door as well as dark jeans for Tony. He quickly dressed himself in the unfamiliar clothes. 

“Thank you, Pep, you’re a peach. I’m about ready to come over, just send everything important to JARVIS, I’m gonna be fully briefed when I get there.” He groaned inwardly at the thought but there was no helping it. He was a genius with the uncanny ability to retain information like it was nothing, so he had to make use of it. 

“Right. See you in a bit, Tony.” 

The call ended and Tony checked himself over in the body-length mirror. He looked good, not overdressed but not too casual with the open suit jacket, his goatee was on point and if he just hid his bloodshot eyes behind tinted shades and put on his cocky grin no one would suspect a thing. Maybe he should put some product in his hair, though. It always got all soft and fluffy when he didn’t, Steve loved it and he loved to tease him about it. 

Ah, god, Steve. Tony couldn’t wait to share a bed with him again.   
Soon, he told himself, and walked over to the shelf that held all kinds of beauty products. He’d learned to handle most of them, especially the concealer, at a young age and it had been fucking convenient. Even high as a kite he managed to look fucking awesome. 

“Sir, Sergeant Barnes has just entered the Captain America Exhibit. His vitals are stable, he is dressed in his usual attire and there seems to be nothing unusual about him.” JARVIS’ voice chimed up as Tony worked a handful of mousse into his hair.

“…except for the fact that he’s been wearing the same outfit for days now, yeah, and doesn’t seem to have showered once.” Tony muttered. 

“True, sir, but so have you on occasion so I deemed it not necessary to comment on it.” 

“You’ve got a point, pal. Anyway, he’s there and not going anywhere, right? Pull up everything Pepper sent me and tell Happy that I’m coming. I need to get to SI.” 

He grabbed the StarkPad with the fucked up video on it and walked out. JARVIS had already opened several files on the stock market, SI’s stocks, the predicted trend, their current running projects, partners, investors… everything Tony needed to know. It was a shitload of information and Tony started skimming the articles immediately. 

In the parking garage, he walked over to the car and got in without ever lifting his eyes from the tablet. Pepper had been right, the situation was looking dire. But then again, nothing beat the all time low SI had been at after Afghanistan and they’d recovered beautifully from that self-inflicted hit. They’d be fine. Tony wasn’t a genius for nothing. 

True to his word he’d finished reading everything as he strolled into Pepper’s office on the top floor. His head hurt like a bitch and his eyes felt all watery but he was on the same page as Pepper now information-wise. 

“Hey, Pep!” he called from the door. She was sitting behind the desk, head buried in some report. At his entrance she looked up immediately. A smile broke on her face and she rose from her seat. 

“Tony! That was really fast! Did you manage to read everything I sent you?” 

Tony walked over to her and embraced her. She hugged him closely.   
“Yeah, I read it all. You’re right, it’s not looking awesome for us. But I’m gonna fix it.” 

“Thank you, Tony. PR has already set up the conference, tomorrow at 8 am in the lobby. There’s a guest list, but we’re not gonna keep a tight security. The more people here, the better.” 

Tony nodded, already lost in thought. 8 am was early. It was perfect. Stressful, but it fit his schedule. 

Pepper let go of him and pushed a stack of papers over to Tony. “If it’s alright with you, we’re going to put the note about the press conference on social media now.” 

“Absolutely. JARVIS can help distribute it, I want that lobby packed. What’s that?” He motioned at the stack of papers. 

Pepper’s expression hardened. “This is a list of SI employers, sorted by department. We’ll have to make some cuts, we can’t provide jobs to all these people. I made this list of expendables. I don’t like it, but SI is a fortune 500 company with nearly 600.000 employees. To make sure we don’t crash too hard we’ll have to cut at least 30.000 jobs.”

Tony dropped down on Pepper’s chair and buried his face in his hands for a moment. He didn’t need this, not now! He didn’t have any time, fuck it all! And 30.000 jobs? Fuck! That was a whole factory! He couldn’t deal with this right now! He could already see the shitstorm and the headlines. 

“Fuck, Pep. This is bad. And it’s bad press. If I say I’m funding the Avengers one minute and the next minute I say we’re firing 30.000 workers from SI that’s gonna put everything in a bad light. People aren’t gonna like SI any better for it. Shit!” 

Pepper’s hand was on his shoulder, squeezing it in sympathy. She was beautiful like that, quietly supporting him and putting thing in perspective with her clever mind.   
“I know, but look at our budget.” She pointed at a small number and Tony’s heart dropped even further. This was BAD in capitals! 

“You already talk to the board of directors?”

“No, I haven’t talked to anyone. We can’t have this leaked. I made sure it’s not anywhere on our servers, either. JARVIS helped me. No one knows except for you and me.” 

Tony sighed and leaned into her touch.   
“How long do we have?” 

Pepper hesitated. Oh fuck, it was bad alright. “Couple weeks” she finally said. “Before we talk to the board. Maybe we can figure something else out till then. I just wanted to give you a heads up. It’s a very real possibility that we might need to let these people go.” 

‘Let them go’ was a very nice euphemism. Tony felt like yanking his hair out simply to have something else to focus on. Shit. 

“Anything else I can do for you right now?” he asked quietly. 

Pepper took a spare chair from the other side of her desk and sat down next to him. “Yes. There’s all these documents I need you to sign and then we need to work on your statement for tomorrow. You need to tell me what you’re planning with SHIELD. And you need to inform Hill so that SHIELD doesn’t freak out for real.” 

Tony wasn’t too sure about SHIELD, but he started working on the signatures immediately. 

“D’you really think we should tell SHIELD?” he asked after he had signed everything. 

JARVIS was set up to record their thoughts and compile the statement while Pepper and Tony talked about it to save time. 

“You need to tell Maria. She can calm down her agents and all other SHIELD personnel. You told me she wanted to work together with you, that she asked you to fund SHIELD. How do you think this is gonna look? SHIELD will panic when you openly state that you want nothing to do with them. Think of all the people working for SHIELD.” 

“…shit.” Tony muttered. “I promised Doc I’d secure her job. It’s not just creepy agents and secret super spies, right?” 

Pepper nodded, face strained. “It’s really not. It’s several thousand people working for SHIELD. You need to give Maria a heads up before the conference.” 

“Right.” The headache was turning into a migraine. Tony knew it didn’t work like that – he did have a degree in medicine now, after all – but it sure as hell felt like it.   
“JARVIS, brief the team about the plan. Tell Natasha to inform Hill and tell her not to panic and not to do anything.” 

“Sir. May I remind you that Agent Romanov and Agent Hill are not on best terms?” JARVIS asked completely neutrally. 

Tony groaned. “I don’t care! No one’s on good terms with Hill, she’s a fucking pain. As acting team leader I’m ordering Natasha to take care of it. She’s been part of that organization for ages, she’ll know how to handle it.” He felt bad even as he said it. He didn’t want to order his team to do anything, he didn’t like ordering people around like that and he wasn’t even really team leader! 

Pepper cocked an eyebrow at that and shot Tony a disapproving look. “JARVIS, wait. You’re not gonna do that. Rephrase it, please. Tony would appreciate it very much if Natasha took care of it and he apologizes for asking this of her, given her history with Maria Hill.” She paused and turned to Tony. “Really, Tony, you can’t talk to Natasha like that.” 

“Fuck, I know, Pep, I do. I don’t wanna order her to do anything, she could kill me in my sleep and she holds a grudge for life! Also it’s stupid and petty and something that Hammer what do and everything that Hammer would do is something no one should strive to imitate. Fuck, I can’t wait for Steve to be back to the team…” 

After that they worked on the statement without interruption. It was fast-paced and well balanced and they managed to produce a work of art in just under three hours with Tony’s knowledge of SI, the help of JARVIS and Pepper’s expertise on everything PR. 

It left both Pepper and Tony exhausted but content. 

“We did it!” Pepper exclaimed and drained her coffee cup for the third time. Her cheeks were flushed and there was a big grin on her face. 

Tony had a matching grin on his face. “God, I miss working with you! You’re still the best thing that ever happened to me and SI!” He realized what he had said a split second later, but it was already done. 

“Oh Tony, you don’t mean that. Thank you, but it’s alright” Pepper replied, sobering up fast. 

But Tony wouldn’t have anything of that, not now. He shook his head firmly. “I don’t mean it like that, I’m happy with Steve. But I wouldn’t be where I’m now if it weren’t for you. You stayed by my side even when I was a fucking menace. You didn’t leave after Afghanistan and you were the only one who believed in the new direction. You didn’t make fun of me for wanting to produce clean energy. You always put up with all my shit and you put up with Iron Man for years. You helped me grow as a person and god knows you’re a better CEO than I’ve ever been, you actually care about the fucking company. It didn’t end up as expected between us, but that’s okay because we’re still friends and I can still count on you.” 

“Of course you can, Tony. I still love you, a part of me will always love you. And I love being CEO of your company.” Pepper’s voice was a mere whisper. 

“Sir, the exits have been sealed. The car is ready and waiting, you should dispatch shortly.” 

Both Tony and Pepper flinched. 

“JARVIS! Shit! We were having a moment!” Tony exclaimed and threw his hands up in an exasperated gesture. 

“I am sorry, Sir, Miss Pots, it is just that Sir is operating on a tight schedule tonight and doesn’t really have the time for ‘moments’” came the sarcastic reply. 

Tony rubbed at his eyes. “It’s fine, the moment was way too cute anyway, I swear I threw up in my mouth a bit. Okay!” He jumped up and put his shades back on, not minding the darkness outside. “Duty calls, Pep. Thank you so much for helping me out, you’re awesome! I’ll be here in time for the conference, I promise!” 

“Wait!” Pepper called when Tony was already at the door. 

He paused and turned around. There was no time, he needed to leave! 

“Please call me after you’re done with whatever secret business you need to take care of, alright? Or at least send me a text. Just please let me know you’re okay.” She was pleading and Tony was once again sharply remembered on why they’d broken up. And now he was dragging her into his messes again. Poor Pepper. 

He gave her a rare real smile. “Sure thing, Pep. Don’t worry, it’s nothing dangerous.”   
Or so he hoped. 

Pepper didn’t look convinced but she let him go with a wave of her hand.   
Okay, shit, this was really happening! He was about to confront one of the deadliest assassins who wasn’t actually right in the head and he had to convince him that he was one of the good guys and that Bucky himself was one of the good guys as well and that he totally wanted to join their frat house of a tower. Oh, and that Steve was his best friend and that there would be no killing. All by himself without any backup plan. 

Yeah, that sounded like one of his plans alright. It wasn’t quite as bad as giving the coordinates of his most beloved house to a known terrorist who was after him but it came close. 

“Hey, boss”, Happy greeted him and started the car that had been parked in a back alley. “Your portable suit’s in the back.”

“Good, perfect.” Tony put on an earpiece that was connected to JARVIS and ditched the shades. He needed to look as transparent and unthreatening as possible. It wasn’t a reassuring feeling. 

“J?” 

“I’m here, sir”, came the answer and Ton nodded. 

“Good, great, baby. In case anything happens, my breathing stopping or something, whatever you can detect like this, I want you to call Sam and Nat, alright?” 

Happy kept his eyes glued to the road and his mouth resolutely closed but it was obvious that he wanted to object to the whole plan. Tough luck. If it had been up for discussion, Tony himself would have objected to the asinine plan. However there was no fucking alternative, so this suicide mission it was! 

They reached the Smithsonian. There were only a few tourists still wandering the mall, but since all museums were closed everything was dark except for the streetlights framing the walkway. There was no one around the Air and Space Museum and Tony breathed a sigh of relief. So far everything was going according to plan. 

“Okay, thanks Happy. I’m gonna be fine. And if I’m not you’re like the fifth person to be notified, so yay!” He winked and gave him his media grin before exiting the car as quietly as possible. 

Happy was going to remain there, parked as close by as possible, in case Tony needed the suit. 

The side entrance he had used that same morning – god, it was still the same day, how the fuck was that even possible?! – was opened by JARVIS as Tony approached and he entered silently. 

This was it, show time! 

 

Inside, the lights were turned off, bathing the halls in an eerie semi-darkness that was only interrupted by illuminated display cases. It made the hairs on the back of Tony’s neck stand up. His whole body was buzzing with nerves and anticipation and just plain old adrenaline. It was like going into battle. 

“Target is at the usual spot”, JARVIS whispered in his ear providing Tony with the only information that mattered. 

He took a deep breath and strolled into the hall, not bothering to hide his presence. It wouldn’t do him any good to sneak up on the Winter Soldier. 

As expected Bucky whipped around as soon as Tony entered the room. He stared at him with the same unaffected expression as before but there was a barely masked tremor shaking his whole body. 

Oookay. 

Tony raised his hands in a peaceful gesture. “Hey there, buddy. No need to freak out, I’m not gonna attack you.” 

Bucky’s body shifted into a defensive stand and Tony was once again reminded that despite appearances the man in front of him could still kill him on a whim. Just because he currently looked like a homeless junkie didn’t mean he wasn’t still a killer with 70 years worth of experience. He was a professional and Tony was Iron Man, sure, but deep down he’d always just been an engineer and a businessman, not a fighter. 

Well, time to put those business skills to the test. 

“My name is Tony Stark, I’m Howard and Maria Stark’s son, do you remember them?” he asked carefully. “I am also friends with Steve Rogers, Captain America. I know you remember him, otherwise you wouldn’t be here.” He cocked an eyebrow at the surroundings and smiled. 

Bucky just continued staring. It was unnerving. 

“Ah, well, you’re not much of a conversationalist, are you? Lucky for you, I am. So, Sergeant Barnes - or can I say Bucky? I’m gonna say Bucky, Steve always calls you Bucky after all – how much do you remember about who you are?” 

There was a flicker of a movement and suddenly Bucky was holding a knife in his hand. 

Tony’s eyes widened. “Oh no, no, no! There’s no need for that, I’ve come unarmed, see?” He turned around, arms still raised.   
“I’m not with HYDRA or SHIELD! I’m with Steve, with the Avengers! You know Steve, blonde guy from Brooklyn, pretty muscular, wears a stupid costume?” 

“…the man on the bridge”

“Yes! Yes, awesome, him! You do remember, great!” Tony exclaimed at the whisper. 

“I know him…from somewhere. But I’m not supposed to. He’s my mission.” The expression on Bucky’s face had changed to one of concentration. He looked strained and if thinking about Steve was causing him pain. 

“Hey, hey, no need to beat yourself up about it, you’re gonna remember! Just give it time, yeah?” 

“What do you want?” Bucky asked, knife still drawn. His words had a hint of a Russian accent to them and his voice sounded raspy and unused. 

But hey, at least they were talking now! Progress! 

Tony allowed himself a small smile as he lowered his arms. “I want you to come and stay with us. Not as a prisoner of course, but as a guest. I don’t wanna scare you, but pretty much everyone is out looking for you right now, HYDRA, SHIELD, the government…” 

The blank stare returned to Bucky’s face and Tony groaned internally. The guy was really pretty much gone. 

“You can stay with us, we live in a Tower in New York City, we can help you. Steve can tell you who you used to be, you wanna know, right? That’s why you keep coming here and read the displays every day, isn’t it? Cause you wanna remember.” 

“Yes.” A small, lost sound. Bucky lowered his weapon and continued staring at Tony unblinkingly. 

“See? That’s great, that’s awesome! Steve’s gonna be so happy to hear that! Anyway, we can help. You can stay at the Tower and take your time and we’re gonna make sure that no one finds you.”

“I can stay undetected”, Bucky said with a frown and hey, Tony didn’t doubt that for a second. 

He told Bucky so. “Yeah, I know that, no doubt about it, you’re the best. But still. We got answers and you’d have a bed and food and a gym and computers and everything you could wish for at the Tower.” 

Bucky didn’t look convinced in the slightest.   
“Why?” he asked after a while and Tony felt like hitting his head against the wall repeatedly. 

“Because we want to help you. Because you’re Steve’s best friend. Because you used to be a decent human being who fell pray to a group of megalomaniac assholes and that’s not your fault.” 

The memory of the video hit Tony then, painfully, and for a second he saw red. This guy in front of him, the guy who refused to cooperate and take his outstretched hand was the same guy who had nearly killed Steve! What the fuck was he doing, offering him sanctuary? Why didn’t he just notify Hill and be done with it? Fuck! 

“Who do you need me to kill?” Bucky asked tonelessly and Tony returned to the present with a start. 

He blinked. “What?” 

“Who do you need me to kill?” Bucky repeated and understanding dawned. Shit, HYDRA had really done a number on him. 

“No one, I don’t want anything in return, I swear! I want to help, Steve wants to help, nothing more. You can stay until you’re better and then you’re free to go, I promise! No strings attached, no fine print, no nothing!” 

“…Не понимаю” Bucky muttered to himself. Tony had been right, definitely Russian. Awesome. At least Natasha would be able to talk to him. 

“I, uh, I don’t speak Russian, sorry. But my car’s parked outside.” Tony offered, feeling a bit out of his depth. Not a good feeling and not one he was used to. 

Bucky stared at him a moment longer. Then the knife disappeared to wherever it had come from.   
“Okay”, he simply said. 

Tony couldn’t quite believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Tony's plan is actually working and Bucky is finally on board, yay! 
> 
> Feedback is always appreciated!


	8. Calculated Risk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the overwhelming response to the last chapter! I'm glad you liked it so much!
> 
> I've had to split this chapter up, the chapters are getting way too long. The second part is gonna be up shortly though, don't worry. 
> 
> Enjoy the chapter, feedback would be lovely :)

Bucky was standing in the hall, uncertain gaze fixed on Tony. It was unnerving. 

Tony clapped his hands once. “Awesome! Off we go, then!” He gave Bucky a grin and turned around.   
“JARVIS, we’re coming out. Have Happy vacate the car, I don’t wanna spook Buckaroo here more than necessary”, he whispered into the earpiece. 

Suddenly a cold hand grabbed him and shoved him roughly into the wall. His earpiece was yanked from his head and thrown to the ground. A split second later a knife was at his throat, digging into the flesh so deeply that it drew blood. 

Tony’s eyes widened as he took in the situation. He was being pressed against the wall by Bucky’s metal arm and kept in check by the knife in his right hand. The cold, metallic fingers were digging into his shoulder, leaving bruises while the cold steel of the knife bit into Tony’s skin, breaking the first few layers.  
It took a lot to take a calming breath. 

“Who do you work for?” Bucky barked, all uncertainty gone. His eyes were hard and his hand was steady. Not taking his eyes off Tony he stomped on the earpiece until it was in pieces. Shit. 

Tony would have gulped if not for the knife at his throat. Fuck.   
Instead he forced himself to look Bucky into the eyes. “I don’t work for anyone, I told you. I’m with Steve and the Avengers. I just told my people that we’re coming and to have the car ready. Unless you’d like to walk, which, hey, fine by me, let’s take a nice midnight stroll, I don’t mind, I heard DC is beautiful at this time, ah, stop that, please, there’s really no need-“   
The knife pressed even further into his flesh and Tony could feel a small trickle of blood run down into his shirt. He’d have to wear a dress shirt and button it up completely for the press conference, what a pain. 

“Who do you work for?” Every word was insinuated with a special kind of hatred that made the hairs on Tony’s body stand up. He could call the suit, sure, but that probably wouldn’t do much to enforce the message that he wasn’t hostile and had only Bucky’s best interest in mind. So shit talking it was! 

“Funny, that. I remember Steve telling me that you always helped him against the bullies. And now look at you, threatening an unarmed man! I’m here to help, for fuck’s sake, and you better believe it because trust me, I’m the only shot you get. HYDRA’s after you, SHIELD’s after you, fuck knows how many governments are after you and you’re just a guy! Sure, you’re all buffed up and you got that arm that’s a work of art, but you’re fucking alone and more than a bit loony. D’you even got a plan for the future? Any idea where to go? Any contacts who can get you a new passport to get you out of the country? Huh? I’m your best shot and I’m not the most patient guy, so I’d really appreciate it if you removed the fucking knife!” 

With that, Tony shoved at Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky, predictably, didn’t move an inch. 

He did, however, blink and loosened his grip on the knife slightly. Tony still couldn’t move, but at least he didn’t have to be scared of breathing anymore. The blood kept trickling idly. 

“Steve Rogers”, Bucky started and Tony raised an eyebrow encouragingly. “You are his friend.” 

“Yup.”

“He is Captain America.”

“Yup.” 

“I know him.”

This got Tony to bark out a harsh laugh. “Thank fuck! Yes, my confused friend, you do! And he’s dying to get a chance to talk to you again, so would you please just cut the crap and follow me to the fucking car so I can reunite you two long lost friends?” 

Bucky considered for a moment, then gave him a curt nod. The knife was removed from Tony’s throat and he was let go. Immediately he pressed a hand against his throat to assess the damage. The cut wasn’t so deep that it was life threatening but too deep to call it shallow. Steve would throw a fit. 

“Goddammit buddy, you got issues…” Tony muttered and started walking towards the side entrance. “This way.”   
They walked through the dimly lit corridor and exited the museum. Tony had seen enough of the Captain America Exhibit to last him a lifetime. He’d also aged at least ten years during the last twenty minutes.  
But Bucky was there and Tony was relatively unharmed, so everything was going according to plan for once in his life. It would’ve been a better feeling if not for the blood making his shirt all sticky. 

“I’m gonna make a phone call now and I’d really fucking appreciate it if you didn’t jump me again. One death threat per night is enough for me, thank you very much.” He fixed Bucky with a thoroughly annoyed stare and the assassin nodded without any trace of remorse or embarrassment. Fuck, maybe Tony should have HYDRA fuck around with his brain. Not having any feelings didn’t sound too bad. 

The mall was deserted, even the last tourists had apparently gone home. It suited Tony just fine, he didn’t need the cops called on him or some bullshit like that. 

He walked over to where the car was parked. There was no one inside, just as instructed.   
“JARVIS, open the car”, Tony barked into his phone. 

“Right away, sir.” The doors and the driver’s and passenger’s seats opened. “Is everything all right, sir? I lost your signal six minutes ago.” 

“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry, everything’s just peachy. Put Sam on, the plan is advancing. And you”, he called over to Bucky who seemed to have spaced out again, “get your ass in the car. We’re working on a schedule here.” 

Bucky gave him a funny look but complied. Thank fuck for small mercies. 

“Tony? Everything work out okay?” Sam’s voice suddenly appeared on the phone, startling Tony. He got behind the wheel. 

“Yeah, I’ve got our newest head case right here. We’re heading over to yours right now.”   
Tony’s headache was getting seriously bad. “Make coffee.” 

There was a tense laugh at the other end. “Right. Does he know the plan?” 

Urgh. “Nope, gonna tell him now. See ya in a minute, Sam.” 

Tony started the car and sighed deeply. Keeping his eyes on the suspiciously empty streets – seriously, what was up with that? He wasn’t used anything like that form New York – he mentally prepared himself to have his head slammed into the steering wheel. 

“Sooo. As for the rest of the plan. I told you the Tower’s in New York, right? This, however, is DC. Meaning we gotta get you to New York somehow without anyone getting suspicious. That rules out just having you flown there with one of my private jets, would raise too many questions. Which is why I gotta need you to hide in the plane I’m gonna be taking tomorrow. Me and Steve are going home and you’re coming with, just not where we’re sitting. I need you to stay with out luggage and keep quiet. I know it sucks and I’m sorry, but we gotta get you to the Tower with as little people seeing you as possible, so we’re gonna have to be stealthy. Um, you following so far?” It was unnerving not to be interrupted during his rant so Tony glanced over at Bucky’s seat. 

The man looked as blank as before. “I understand”, he simply said and that was that. Huh. 

“Right, great, awesome…I’m gonna make sure there’s food and drinks and stuff there, we just can’t have you be spotted by people, y’see? So yeah, we’re going to Sam’s place right now, the Falcon, remember him? You, uh, ripped his wings off.” 

The metal arm shot out and grabbed his wrist faster than Tony could comprehend. Suddenly he couldn’t move his hand anymore. Panic gripped him as a right turn was approaching, fast. No, no, no, he wasn’t gonna be the next Stark dying by car accident courtesy of the fucking Winter Soldier! He stepped into the break and swerved onto the sidewalk way too fast, tires screeching. The car came to a stop just a few inches short of crashing into a parked car. 

“Jesus, what the fuck!” Tony screamed, breathing heavily. “Are you trying to kill us? Fuck!” His heart was beating against his ribcage and his whole body was shaking. Jesus Christ, who did that little fucker think he was? Shit!   
Tony bit down on his lip, hard. He couldn’t afford to go into shock, not now. Slowly he worked on getting his eyes to focus again and turned to face Bucky. Whose features had morphed into a scowl. Tony felt like howling. 

“Are you out of your fucking mind?” He spat sounding more terrified than threatening. There was a cold sweat on his brow and the shaking wouldn’t stop. 

“You lied to me”, Bucky simply stated and Tony was sure he hadn’t ever hated anyone as much as he hated Bucky in that moment. He was responsible for Steve’s injuries, he’d nearly killed him and he was the reason why Steve was fucking suicidal right now and he’d killed so many more people and he’d injured Natasha and he’d killed- 

Tony closed his eyes and let his head hit the headrest. Bucky was a victim. He hadn’t asked for any of this, he hadn’t wanted to be a super soldier and he hadn’t wanted to become an assassin. HYDRA had violated his body and mind and Bucky had been left as nothing more than a shell of his former self. He hadn’t chosen that life, the decision had been made for him. He couldn’t be held accountable for any of the death and destruction he’d caused when he’d been suspected to HYDRA’s mindfuckery. 

“Please let go of my wrist”, Tony stated as calmly as he could. It still sounded frantic. 

Apparently his shaken state was bad enough that Bucky’s last bit of humanity piped up because he really let go. 

“Thank you.”   
Tony rubbed his wrist. It was aching but didn’t seem to be sprained. He’d be black and blue tomorrow, fuck.   
“What the fuck was that? You can’t just do that, I’m the one driving this car.” His voice was flat and he was fucking exhausted. 

“You said you don’t work for anyone”, Bucky replied as if that was a legitimate answer.   
Screw him and his psycho act. 

“Yes, because I fucking don’t. Sam is Steve’s friend, he doesn’t work for me or with me or anything, he’s simply doing me a favor. He agreed to get your sorry ass to the airport since I’ve still got business to finish here. I own StarkIndustries, y’know? Multi-billion dollar company, dunno if you’ve heard of it.” He was so damn tired and this unnecessary conversation was wearing him out even more. 

Bucky’s eyes narrowed as he took in the scene. He was probably wondering why Tony was such a fucking mess. Or he was coming up with new creative ways to kill him. 

“I got a press conference in a few hours and I gotta pick up Steve from the hospital and thanks to you I gotta take care of that cut at my throat as well. So forgive me for not being able to be the one to hide you in my fucking private plane!” Tony slammed his palms down on the steering wheel and felt a sick sense of pleasure when Bucky jumped. 

“Everything cleared up? Brilliant, let’s go.” He started the car and put it in reverse. The empty streets were a blessing. 

It took them another five minutes to arrive at Sam’s apartment. Sam was already standing in the door, shooting anxious glances down the street. Tony parked his car right in front of the apartment and staggered out of it. Fuck, when had his legs turned to jello? Taking a deep breath he braced himself on the car until his legs didn’t feel as if they were made of pudding anymore.   
Then he noticed that Bucky hadn’t left the car. He pulled the door open again and poked his head in.

“Hey princess, we’re here. Time to get out of the carriage.” His tone was acrid but it did the deal. Bucky trailed after him like an obedient puppy. Hah. If only. 

Sam smiled down on them. “Hey guys, great you’re finally – holy shit, Tony!” As soon as Tony stepped into the light of the streetlight Sam’s eyes widened, horrified, and the smile disappeared.   
“What the fuck happened to you? Are you all right?” 

Tony just made a noncommittal noise and continued walking. “Inside.” 

The three of them walked into the little apartment and Sam motioned for them to sit down at the kitchen table. Three steaming mugs of coffee were set up on the table as well as a plate with waffles and another one with pancakes staked on it. 

Tony collapsed bonelessly on the chair closest to him and closed his eyes. When he opened them again Sam had taken a seat as well and Bucky was standing at the kitchen counter, glancing nervously between the door, the windows and the table. 

Upon noticing Sam gave him an easy smile. “It’s safe here, don’t worry. You can sit down and relax.” 

Tony would have much preferred he sat down in a different room but he didn’t say that. Instead he took a sip of his coffee and started nibbling on a waffle. 

Sam gave him a moment before fixing him with a worried stare. “So. What happened to you?” 

Tony just cocked his head in Bucky’s direction and took another sip of coffee. 

“You look seriously spooked, man. You okay?” 

No, he really wasn’t. But he had to be, hadn’t he? Just for another twelve hours until he was back in his Tower and could lie down in his bed and sleep for a week or five. 

“Nearly would’ve totaled my car because someone couldn’t keep his grabby little hands to himself”, Tony replied with a shrug. Fuck, it probably wasn’t wise to leave Bucky alone with Sam. He didn’t want to sacrifice the life of one of Steve’s friends to save the life of another one of them, especially not someone who was that supremely fucked up. And Sam was just a normal guy! Sure, he’d been a soldier once, but he didn’t have Steve’s super strength or Natasha’s creepy spy skills or his Iron Man suit. If it came to a fight Sam wouldn’t stand a chance and Tony would lose Bucky again. But he couldn’t be the one to take him to the airport, there was no fucking time! 

“I’ve got a first aid kit here, let me at least treat the cut…any more injuries?” Sam had gotten up and was on his way to what Tony assumed was the bathroom. He just stuffed another piece of waffle into his mouth and shrugged. “Painkillers would be much appreciated.” 

A moment later Sam re-emerged, a huge first aid kit in his hands. Tony was too tired for any real reaction, but he managed to raise his eyebrows. “You run a clinic or something?” 

He got a dry laugh as response. “Nah, I’m just friends with Steve and Natasha so I figured I’d better invest in some medical supplies. They’re both not really fond of hospitals.” 

That was an understatement if Tony had ever heard one. He snorted and Sam gave him an incredulous look. 

“From what I’ve heard you’re at least as bad. Didn’t you get your robot to cut open a cast for you because you were annoyed and didn’t wanna wear it anymore?” 

Damn Steve for retelling his weakest moments to strangers! 

Sam grinned and placed the kit on the table. Then his expression turned somber again as he took in Tony’s state from close-by. “Come on, let me give you a lookover, you look shitty, man.” 

Tony was sure that this, too, was an understatement. “Painkillers?” he whined instead of answering and Sam sighed. Then Sam took a cloth out of the kit and poured some water on it. He started cleaning the cut that had since stopped bleeding and Tony couldn’t prevent a wince. 

“It’s a nasty cut”, Sam commented and for a split second his eyes flickered over to Bucky who hadn’t left his place at the kitchen counter. The assassin’s gaze was still flickering from the kitchen window to the door and back again. Tony wondered if he was being obnoxious on purpose.   
“I’m gonna disinfect it now, it’s gonna sting”, Sam warned and Tony grit his teeth. Disinfectant was no fun. 

He hissed through his teeth as the stinging substance touched his throat and seemed to burn a hole right through it. Fuck! He needed this night to end right now, he wanted his workshop and Steve, all safe and happy at home in the Tower! This whole plan was fucking madness and deemed to fail. 

Sam applied some salve and wrapped a bandage around Tony’s throat. By now the burning had stopped and Tony could breathe freely again. 

“You got a scarf or something? I look too much like someone who nearly got his throat cut like this.” Wasn’t he just the most hilarious motherfucker on the planet? 

“Sure, wait a second.” Sam dashed out of the kitchen again, leaving Tony free to rummage through the first aid kit.   
The kit, while huge and well stocked with all kinds of balms, salves and bandages, didn’t have anything better than ibuprofen in terms of painkillers. By now, Tony would have given his left arm to get some morphine or something in that pay grade. Groaning, he took four pills out and pocketed the rest. They’d just have to be enough for now. He swallowed the pills with the rest of his coffee and turned to Bucky. 

“Hey, Barnes, you gonna drink that coffee?” 

Bucky’s head snapped to Tony and he stared at him, obviously not comprehending. Tony gave him a thumbs-up. “Awesome, buddy, then I’m just gonna finish it for you, wouldn’t want it to get cold.” 

Just when Tony had drained the second cup, Sam returned, a simple black scarf in hand. “This is the best I could find. You sure there’s no more injuries to take care of?” 

Tony nodded curtly and stretched his hand out. Sam handed him the scarf with a sigh.   
“So what happens now? You leave and we continue as planned?” 

“Yeah, we’re still in time. I’m gonna go home and change and get ready for the conference and you’re gonna drive to the airport. I’m gonna make the necessary calls on the way so that they’ll let you pass without question. Don’t stop. You’ll be authorized, just drop my name if anyone gives you shit. You gotta drive all the way up to the plane and give him something inconspicuous to wear like a hoodie so that he won’t be recognized. I’ll make sure that you’re alone, but still. You’re a pilot, so you know how to get into the cargo hold, but I’ve sent you the blueprints of the plane just in case, you’re welcome. Barnes jumps in and hides in a corner, you close the plane and leave the airport. The end. Sounds easy enough, right?” 

Sam looked a bit awed and Tony had to suppress a hysteric laugh. To think that the guy hadn’t gotten over his hero-worship after hearing that demented plan…

“It’s the only plan we got and I’ll do everything to make sure it works out!” 

“Right, you do that. Thank you. I’ll make sure you get, uh, a new car when all of this is over. D’you want a new car?” Tony asked and let his gaze wander across the small apartment. Then he wrapped the scarf around his throat, hiding the bandage and the blood on his shirt, and got up. 

“Awesome! Barnes and Nobles, I’d say it’s been a pleasure to meet you, but honestly it’s been a pain. Don’t kill Sam, just sit there and pretend you’re a statue or something, yeah? Great! Sam, text me when he’s all set. See ya guys, have fun.” 

With that, Tony left the kitchen and the apartment and walked back to his car. There was no scratch on it, but Tony still felt some residual shock from the nearly-accident that could have ended his life. 

He slipped behind the wheel and was promptly greeted by JARVIS. “Welcome back, sir. Miss Potts has asked when you are planning to grace her with your presence tomorrow, though she didn’t state it quite as politely.” 

“Yeah, I’m on it. What time is it now?” Tony started the car and pulled onto the street. He had already memorized the way back to his strange house, so he drove pretty much on autopilot. It really was an exceptionally quiet night, especially considering the whole HYDRA-revelation just days earlier. 

“It is 11:47pm, sir. Miss Potts requests your presence at StarkIndustries at 7 am tomorrow. She asked me to make you give her your word.” 

“Did you?”

“Naturally, sir. Provided that you’re still standing at 7am and haven’t collapsed either from blood loss, exhaustion, malnutrition or shock at that point.” 

Tony gave his phone a glare, but he knew that JARVIS was right.   
“Maybe I’ll be able to get a few hours of sleep. It’s not that late yet. I even had some waffles just now.”

“It’s heartwarming to see you taking such good care of yourself,” JARVIS retorted drolly and Tony didn’t grace him with another answer. 

Instead he used the time to call the right people at the airport and made sure that this part of the plan would be no problem. 

When he entered his parking garage he allowed himself to entertain the thought that the plan might actually work out for the first time since the whole venture had started. It calmed the lurking panic somewhat and helped keep the anxiety at bay for a bit longer.


	9. Taking Responsibility

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There it is, finally! I spent hours working on that chapter, I hope you like it!
> 
> Thanks for all the kudos and comments :)

As soon as he entered the house, Tony made a beeline for the bathroom, the one with the huge shower. Somehow that seemed to be all he ever saw of his house, the parking garage, the elevator and the bathroom. In fact he was pretty sure he’d never even walked through any of the other rooms. And he still had no clue who did the shopping and disposed of his filthy clothes, but he wasn’t too worried on that front. JARVIS was taking care of the situation and Tony trusted JARVIS implicitly. 

“Sir, may I remind you that you received a wound to your throat and that you are wearing a bandage? Close contact with water and soap is not advised at this point unless you want to extend your suffering, which, knowing you, wouldn’t surprise me at all, but I thought I’d alert you to it just in case you have come around some common sense on the way up. Sir.”

“J, helpful as always”, Tony sighed and pulled the bloody shirt over his head. Then he stepped over to the mirror to take a closer look at the damage. 

Sam had wrapped it up nicely but Tony tore the bandage off with practiced ease. It was sticky with blood and Tony hissed under his breath as he reopened the cut. A shallow rivulet of blood trickled down his throat and onto his bare chest and Tony had to suppress the desire to simply jump into the shower and get rid of the blood, literally. Instead, he forced his gaze back on the cut. Apart from a small gap at the left where the bleeding had started again there was a thin layer of scab covering the rest of the three-inch-long cut - it looked pretty damn gruesome and as if Tony had had a run-in with some comic book villain.  
Fuck, Bucky had really cut him up good.  
And he’d escaped the situation by fucking rambling his way out of it, way to go, Stark! 

Tony let the sticky bandage fall to the floor and turned away from the mirror. He’d be fine, the wound didn’t need stitches, it wasn’t all that bad. 

“J, water. I’ll take it easy with the soap, don’t worry.” 

Immediately he was engulfed in hot, steaming water and for a second he considered simply staying under the spray until it was time to get to the conference. The feeling of washing away all the blood and sweat was heavenly, it felt better than the years he had spent in a drug induced haze. 

In the end Tony managed to only shower for 37 minutes and even remembered not to use soap on his throat. He then put some salve on it – the medicine cabinet was well stocked – bandaged it up again, downed a handful of painkillers – the good stuff, courtesy of the well-stocked cabinet – and flopped down on the huge bed he hadn’t even seen before, completely nude. 

“Wake me when…it’s time”, he mumbled at JARVIS and then he was out like a light, lying on the top of the sheets and snoring lightly. 

It felt like only minutes had passed when JARVIS’ calming voice stated, “Sir, it’s time for you to get ready.” 

Tony groaned and buried his face in the pillows. For once he didn’t remember having any nightmares but he still felt far from rested. “You sure, J?” he slurred sleepily even though he knew the answer. JARVIS didn’t make mistakes, Tony had built him after all. 

“Very. It is 6 am, which leaves you with one hour until you are expected at StarkIndustries. Given that you have to dress up and style your hair and taking into consideration the injuries you need to tend to, this is the latest I could have woken you. Now please do get up, sir, or I must take more drastic measures.” 

Ah, fuck it all. He had gotten roughly five hours of sleep- that was actually pretty good. To say he felt refreshed would be a gross exaggeration but at least he didn’t feel close to collapsing anymore. Hey, progress! 

Slowly Tony sat up, careful not to aggravate his many bruises. His throat felt itchy and his shoulder and wrist ached. Fucking Bucky with his fucking metal arm and mental issues.  
Shit, speaking of Bucky…  
“How’s Sam? Did he get Bucky to the jet alright? You didn’t report back to me, J!” 

JARVIS seemed offended by Tony’s harsh tone. His answer was reserved. “I didn’t deem it necessary. You were asleep and the operation didn’t encounter any problems. Sergeant Barnes has been sitting in your jet for 2 hours and 16 minutes and Mr. Wilson has returned to his apartment. He is unharmed.” 

Tony had prodded over to the enormous mirror to assess the damage and was currently checking his injuries. “Jesus Christ, the plan is actually working. Who’d have thought?”

“Certainly not me, sir. The plan had an initial success rate of 12%. I am just as shocked and amazed as you”, came the sarcastic reply and Tony rolled his eyes. 

The cut looked bad, angry and red and swollen, but he’d easily be able to hide it. The bruised shoulder which had turned a deep, dark blue was no problem either. He’d have to wrap up his wrist though, just superficially, and tell some made-up story about a work accident if a reporter asked. There hadn’t been any Iron Man gigs in quite a while now, so Tony had no business looking as beat up as he currently did. The last thing he needed right now was to add even more controversy to the Stark name. 

“Yeah well, the plan’s still not finished, there’s more than enough chances for me to fail, don’t you worry”, Tony quipped and made his way to the medicine cabinet.  
“Anything else I need to know before the conference?” 

“Colonel Rhodes sends his regards and states that he hopes you know what you are doing, sir. He would like to speak with you soon but his tone was more exasperated than alarmed.”

“Good, that’s good,” Tony murmured while bandaging his wrist. It didn’t hurt that much, luckily, and he’d had ample practice when it came to using his left hand, so he managed a decent bandage. 

“Dr. Banner however has skipped the alarmed stage altogether and appears livid. Would you like me to disclose his location?” 

Tony dry swallowed a handful of pills and shook his head. “Nah. I love Brucie, but he doesn’t have priority right now, sorry to say but even I gotta prioritize sometimes. Speaking of which, how did Hill take the news? Nat, uh, informed her, right?” 

The spacious wardrobe that as adjacent to the bedroom held a collection of his nicest, most expensive suits and Tony immediately felt a bit better. At least he wouldn’t have to address the press looking like a hobo. It was easier to dazzle the press when he looked the part. 

He started dressing while JARVIS reported. 

“Director Hill has been informed and demands a meeting with you as soon as possible. She has agreed not to attract any attention to SHIELD for now and will brief her agents and employees before the conference.” 

Tony buttoned up his black shirt and chose a checkered turquoise and black tie. Unfortunately it wasn’t quite enough to cover the cut. 

“You still need to shave, sir”, JARVIS reminded him and Tony sighed. 

“I wouldn’t forget that, J. Still, thanks. Also for Hill.” 

So he’d have to wear a scarf. Whatever. Worse things had happened and still turned out fine. 

“Oh, if you are in the process of thanking me, please do add sending a text message to Ms. Potts last night to the list. I assured her of your well-being, so I advice you play the part, sir.” Oh, JARVIS could be a downright bitchy, bossy pain in the ass if he tried. Damn. 

“I’ll make sure you get the best Christmas present, baby”, Tony assured him and put on a black tailored vest. Then he added an anthracite-colored suit jacked and black slacks. A quick look in the mirror proved that yeah, he looked good. JARVIS had been right about the beard, though, it wasn’t quite up to Tony Stark standard. And he really needed that scarf. 

“I can hardly wait”, deadpanned JARVIS and Tony cackled. Then he sculpted his beard into his trademark goatee without spilling even a drop of shaving crème on his clothes and returned to the wardrobe in search of a finishing touch. 

Some rummaging around led to him actually finding a nice grey pashmina scarf and a pair of lilac-tinted shades. He put both items on and checked himself out in the mirror once more. 

“How do I look, J?” 

“Ready for the press conference, sir.” 

“No, J, I look awesome and stunning and really attractive!” Tony objected, a grin playing on his lips. 

“Your humility really is your most redeeming trait”, JARVIS just said and Tony grinned for real.  
“Mr. Hogan is waiting in the car, he has coffee for you.” 

“Ah, I love people who get me”, Tony sighed, content, and grabbed his phone from his nightstand before leaving for the elevator. Maybe the house wasn’t too bad, he could maybe keep it. Just in case. It couldn’t hurt to have a house in the capital. 

Tony gave Happy a dazzling smile as he entered the car. “Morning sunshine, I heard you got me coffee”, he said as per greeting and took the offered Starbucks venti cup with greedy, grubby hands. 

“Sure thing, boss. How’d it go last night? Everyone okay?” Happy looked just as gruff as always, maybe slightly more tired and less shaven, but Tony couldn’t blame him. 

He downed half of his coffee in one large gulp before answering. Ah, yes, caffeine! 

“Surprisingly enough, the plan worked. Yeah, I know, I was the least person who actually believed in the plan. Anyhow, Bucky’s secure and we’re all still alive, I’m on my way to the conference and I even managed to get some sleep!” He sounded immensely proud of himself. 

Happy’s features softened. “I’m glad. Pepper’s a bit panicked about the conference, she’ll appreciate you showing up this early.” 

Tony just nodded in between sips of coffee. “Mhm. It’s gonna be fine. Hey, you got some food?” 

Happy handed him a pink donut with sprinkles and Tony accepted it with a grin. The day couldn’t turn out too bad with a start like this. 

Ten minutes later Tony felt like taking back his prematurely positive outlook on the day. The whole street was blocked; there were people everywhere, most of them paparazzi clutching expensive cameras and craning their heads to get a good look at everything and everyone.  
A wall of people had set up camp in front of the main entrance and Tony could see his employees struggling to enter the building, having to fight their way through the masses first. 

It was fucking ridiculous. 

“Those people are violating all kinds of safety protocols. What if a fire broke out right now?” 

Tony sighed and crumpled up the donut paper. “Just get to the parking garage, Happy.”

When they entered the building - Happy had insisted on accompanying Tony – it was nearing 7:15. 

Pepper greeted them as soon as they stepped out of the elevator. She looked perfect and beautiful and ready to take on the press and most of all absolutely livid. It was an expression that had Tony go on the defense immediately, worked all the time. 

“I’m sorry, Pep! It wasn’t my fault this time, for real, those damn vultures, they’re just everywhere, it’s madness out there. You’d think I’m the president or something like that, that’s more coverage than at a presidential speech…”

Pepper embraced him in a short, tight hug. “I know it’s not your fault, I’m not blaming you. I’m actually surprised you’re here this early, I didn’t expect you for another 30 minutes.” 

That left Tony gaping. Hadn’t she especially commanded him to be there at 7? He’d been fucking played, really? Because the CEO of his company thought he couldn’t be on time for once in his life? Weak game, Stark. 

Pepper’s gaze traveled all the way from Tony’s perfectly mussed hair to his Italian leather shoes, taking in every little detail. Then her eyes rested on the scarf and an eyebrow quirked up. 

She took Tony by the arm and pulled him into a small conference room. There was coffee and water on the table as well as a StarkPad and a clipboard. 

“Happy, would you mind making sure that no one comes in? I need to go over the speech with Tony again and I’d really hate to be disturbed”, Pepper asked, somehow managing to sound firm and apologetic at the same time. Happy loved it. 

As soon as Pepper had closed the door, she whipped around and pulled the scarf off Tony’s neck in one swift motion. Then she gaped. 

When she finally spoke, her voice was a shrill squeak.  
“Oh my God, Tony! Did someone try to cut your throat? Tony?” 

Ah, shit. Why did he even try anymore? 

He placed his hands on Pepper’s shoulders carefully and looked her into the eyes. “Pepper, Pep, please calm down. It’s not as bad as it looks and it’s nothing to freak out about. I’m good, I’m prepared, I even slept, and the deal with SHIELD is approved by Hill. The Avengers gig is approved by Rhodey who got his approval from the military. We’re good. I’m gonna go out there and do my thing and the press is gonna have a field day over how awesome I am. They love me and today I’m gonna rock their world.” He tried for his most reassuring and calming voice and hoped that it was enough. 

Apparently it was, since Pepper gave him a curt nod and returned the scarf. 

“Good, thank you, Pep.” 

They rehearsed the speech again and Tony had two more cups of coffee. Then Pepper draped the scarf around Tony’s neck, making sure that absolutely no piece of the bandage was showing. 

“Alright, all set”, she finally said. 

Tony cocked an eyebrow at her and grinned. “How do I look?”

“Amazing as always. Now go out there and make me proud.” 

Tony gave her a two-fingered salute. “Ma’am, yes, Ma’am!” 

Then he stepped out of the room and walked down into the atrium. He felt a bit like the great Gatsby, about to deliver the opening speech to a fucked up party. 

Immediately all eyes were on him. Cameras flashed and people were chatting, waving their hands, some even going as far as jumping up and down.  
The security guys had their hands full. 

A table and a chair had been set up on top of the stairs so that Tony could overlook all the reporters. They had to look up to him. It hadn’t been his idea but he didn’t hate it. Having an advantage, even just a perceived one, was always helpful. 

He stepped behind the table and raised his left hand. The chatter died down instantaneously and Tony smiled his media smile. 

“Ladies and gentlemen, I am amazed by how many of you could make it despite the short notice. Good to have you here.” He sat down, the smile not leaving his face.  
“Now we all know what happened earlier this week and I wish to express my condolences for the victims and their families. This terrorist strike in our very capital is a harsh blow for all of us, especially since it came so unexpected.” 

The reporters were scribbling away furiously, hanging onto his every word. Just rub in some good old patriotism, worked every time. 

“But weren’t you working with SHIELD? Weren’t all of the Avengers? How could you not have noticed?” an extraordinarily arrogant young guy asked with a scoff.  
At that a multitude of voices piped up. “Yeah, how can we trust you?” “You can’t protect us! What were you doing?” “Who are those HYDRA-guys anyway?” The mob was getting agitated but Tony was still calm. 

He placed his palms on the table and waited for the ruckus to die down.  
“You’re right and yes, you may quote me on this, I admit it, I was wrong. I misjudged SHIELD, we all did and there’s no excuse for that. There’s nothing we can do about the past, but we’re doing everything to make up for it. The Avengers as an initiative is hereby renouncing all affiliation with SHIELD. We won’t work for an organization shrouded in shadows anymore. It is not fair to the people we have vowed to protect. Which is why the Avengers Initiative is now approved by the government and the US Army and Colonel James Rhodes has been installed as the Avenger’s military liaison.” 

There was even more chatter of that and people waving and calling Tony’s name. 

“But this is not an Avengers conference, this is about StarkIndustries. Avengers matters will be discussed at a separate Avenger conference in the near future”, Tony spoke up. The smile had left his face and he now fixed them with a serious look.  
“I’m not gonna lie, we have taken losses just as every big American company has. But we will pull through and I am not worried about the future.” He went on to talk about the stocks and the market until a woman in a bright pink dress interrupted him, loudly. 

“That’s all fine and dandy, Mr. Stark, but aren’t you also financing the Avengers Initiative? And aren’t you also actively working as Iron Man?” 

Tony sighed. Here it came! “Absolutely, Miss.” 

“That’s gotta put quite the strain on the company”, she sneered.

“I think there’s some kind of misunderstanding. I am financing the Avengers and Iron Man. Not StarkIndustries. I own the company, yes, but Iron Man and StarkIndustries are completely separate. Not a dime of SI money goes into funding the Avengers. You can look it up online, our books are accessible. We don’t have anything to hide. Iron Man is a personal project, which I’m paying for with my personal money and so are the Avengers.” 

There was some silence after that and Tony’s smile grew a bit more genuine. He talked about the newest SI projects for a bit until a hand was raised hesitantly. 

The mousy, unassuming guy who looked just about fresh out of college swallowed once before asking his question in a shaky voice. “You say you’re not worried about the future of StarkIndustries, but every other major company is cutting personnel. Is StarkIndustries gonna have to let go employees as well?” 

And shit but didn’t that come a bit too close to the truth? Fuck. He couldn’t have that, not now. Things were working splendidly! 

“I am not worried about StarkIndustries, I stay by my words. There will be no cut in employees in the near future, it won’t be necessary. I value my workers and they are not at fault for the current economic situation. But they don’t have to worry, they are safe with StarkIndustries.” He gave them a big media smile once more, for the cameras, then clapped his hands once. 

“Will that be all? Great! Thank you all for coming and thank you for supporting America!” Ah, that last part had probably been a bit too much. Whatever. 

Suddenly Happy was at his side, escorting him up to the elevator while the security guys ushered the press out. Tony breathed a sigh of relief. It was over and it hadn’t been an epic fuck-up! 

“Good speech,” Happy remarked, a grin on his face. “Steve is rubbing off on you.” 

Tony actually groaned at that and pressed the button for Pepper’s floor. 

She was already waiting for him in front of the elevator, frowning. “So I get what you were thinking, telling them that we’re considering firing 30.000 workers won’t make us popular, so that’s something to avoid saying. But to promise we wouldn’t fire a single soul? Tony, not even you can guarantee that!” 

Tony shrugged half-heartedly in reply. “I’ll cross that bridge when it comes to that. Seriously, Pep, I’ll figure something out. And I wasn’t even lying, I don’t wanna fire all these people…” 

Pepper just shook her head in exasperation. “Thank you for doing the conference though, really. You really helped me out. Thank you for all your work here.” 

“What can I say, I’m still major shareholder.” He winked at her. “Come by the Tower some time when you’re back?” he then asked softly and Pepper smiled. 

“Of course, Tony. Send Steve and Natasha my love. Take care of them, they’re all your kids now.” 

Tony groaned and pressed the button for the elevator. “Don’t say stuff like that, don’t even think that! C’mon, Happy, let’s leave the woman to her work.” 

Happy trailed after him. Tony took out his phone and send a quick text to Sam before checking his mail. The press conference had apparently been broadcasted live and everyone had seen it. Ah, the struggle of being Tony Stark. 

He had missed calls from Rhodey and Hill and a bunch of mails and messages from just about everyone he’d ever given his private number to. 

“Eyes up front, boss. Don’t want you running into a wall again”, Happy stated matter-of-factly as he grabbed Tony’s shoulder and steered him around a corner. Shit, that fucking hurt! Tony couldn’t quite hide the wince and Happy noticed immediately. 

“Got your shoulder hurt?” he asked and dropped his hand. Tony just continued walking. “It’s nothing serious, just some bruising. Sam already looked at it.” 

That seemed good enough for Happy, at least for now. He nodded and both men entered the car. 

The ride to the hospital was spent in silence as Tony tried to answer as many mails as possible in the short time. The thought of having to spend the first hours reunited with Steve focused on work didn’t sound too appealing. All Tony wanted to do was curl up on the jet’s bed with Steve and enjoy the sensation of feeling safe for a little while. 

He sent out a short mail to Rhodey, inviting him to come by the Tower some time next week when things had settled down. Hill didn’t get an invite, she had no business being in his Tower and she didn’t need to know that he was harboring a HYDRA-affiliated fugitive. 

Out of sheer dumb luck none of the paparazzi seemed to have heard of Steve’s stay in the hospital so there was no one there save for some teenagers to snap pictures of Tony as he exited the car and strolled into the hospital as if he owned the place. Did he? He’d have to ask Pepper, it was possible. 

Since it was a hospital though, the people in the lobby, mostly bored patients, didn’t pay much attention to him. He smiled at the receptionist and took the nearest elevator to Steve’s floor. Surprisingly enough Tony found himself to be in a good mood for once.

As he stepped into the hallway he already spotted Steve. He was sitting in the waiting area next to the nurses’ station, a duffel bag at his feet. When he noticed Tony his eyes lit up and his face broke into a smile. 

“Hey Cap”, Tony winked at him. “You’re all packed up already, awesome!” 

Steve grabbed his bag and walked over to Tony giving him an appreciative look. “You look nice today.”

Tony couldn’t help but grin. “I always do, honeypoo. But don’t feel bad, you’re quite the looker yourself.” 

At that Steve, who was wearing grey sweatpants and a striped hoodie, barked out a laugh and Tony just shrugged. 

“I’ve got some prim and proper clothing for you on the plane, don’t worry. So! You’re all set to leave?” 

“Yeah, this is my discharge form.” He handed a piece of paper to Tony who seriously didn’t know what to do with it. His way of leaving the hospital had always been checking himself out AMA. Whatever, he’d just give it to a nurse or something. 

“Okay, why don’t you go on to the elevator and I take care of all the insurance stuff? Leave your bag with me, I’ll take care of it.”

Steve gave him a tired look but didn’t complain. He looked much better than the day before, the swelling had gone down and even the bruising had faded to a yellow color. Soon his pretty face would be back to normal. 

Tony walked up to the nurses’ station, form in hand. A young nurse was chatting with Steve’s doctor. They both looked up when Tony approached him. 

“Hi. I just wanted to turn this in here, I guess? All medical bills will be paid by me, of course. Is there anything else I need to know concerning our good Captain?” He handed the form over with a smile and the young nurse blushed a deep crimson. Nice to know he still had that effect on people. 

“Thank you, Mr. Stark,” the doctor said as the nurse took care of the administrative business. “Physically, Captain Rogers will be fine in two weeks. He’s not to strain himself too much, but he can go on a run if he really needs to. Just no sparring, please. As for his mental issues,” her voice grew hushed and Tony had to strain his ears to make out the words. “please get him to see his therapist. He doesn’t appear to be an immediate suicide risk, but he has experienced a trauma and he needs to talk about it.”

Tony felt his good mood drain out of him, the words leaving a sour taste in his mouth. Still he managed to keep his smile up and gave the doctor a firm nod. “I’ll take care of it. I wont leave him out of my sight.” 

The doctor returned the smile. “He’s lucky to have you, Mr. Stark.” 

Tony wasn’t too sure about that, but he didn’t say that. Instead he said his goodbyes, picked up the duffel, and walked over to Steve. They stepped into the elevator and Tony pressed Steve’s hand once. 

“I’m glad to have you back,” he whispered and Steve murmured, “I’m glad that I’m going home.” It wasn’t quite enough to make up for the nagging feeling in the back of Tony’s head. 

 

They slid into the backseat that was separated from the driver’s seat by a partition. As soon as they had sat down Tony wrapped his arms around Steve’s neck and embraced him in a tight hug. Steve hugged back with enough force to knock the breath out of Tony, but Tony didn’t complain. One of Steve’s hands found its way into Tony’s hair where it started playing with his curls and Tony sighed against Steve’s shoulder. 

“I missed you”, he murmured and started pressing soft kisses along Steve’s collarbone. “And I was worried.” He slid his hands under Steve’s hoodie and ran them over the hard, muscular back. 

Steve couldn’t stifle a soft moan and Tony took that as his cue to use his finger nails to apply some more pressure. His mouth had worked his way up the neck to Steve’s face and looked up at him through half-lidded eyes. He felt as if he could finally breathe again with Steve’s hands on his body like that and it was a good feeling. 

“I missed you, too”, Steve huffed out and Tony smiled at him. Then he craned his head upwards and kissed Steve on the lips. The hands in his hair started pulling and a needy whimper escaped Tony’s throat. He bit down on Steve’s bottom lip and started sucking on it. Fuck, he had missed this! He closed his eyes and leaned into the kiss, hands still firmly on Steve’s back. 

When he gasped for air he opened his eyes again and stared straight into Steve’s baby blue ones. Steve was flushed and his pupils were blown, but his eyebrows were raised in a concerned frown and he had disentangled his hands from Tony’s hair. Tony removed his hands from under the hoodie and intertwined his fingers with Steve’s. 

“What is it, Steve?” he asked, his voice laced with concern. 

Steve gave him an uneasy look, much as if he was embarrassed, but that couldn’t…oh! Oh! 

Tony chuckled and gave Steve a peck on the mouth. “The car is sound proof, Happy can’t hear us.” 

The flush on Steve’s cheeks darkened and he wouldn’t meet Tony’s eyes. “It’s still not right…not in a car like that…” 

Well, he didn’t wanna add any more stress to Steve’s fragile state of mind, so Tony raised his arms in surrender. “Hey, it’s cool. Whatever you wanna do. We can wait till we’re on the plane. Or we can wait till we’re in the Tower. There’s no rush, I’m just happy to have you back in one piece.”  
Which wasn’t even a lie. With a start Tony remembered his injuries, the ones he didn’t feel like explaining, and suddenly keeping his clothes on till they were back at the Tower didn’t sound too bad anymore. 

Steve leaned back into the seat looking indefinitely more at ease. 

“Hey, I don’t wanna mess with your moral code”, Tony teased. “Oh hey, did you see the press conference?”

Steve’s head snapped up and he shook his head. “What press conference?” 

They spent the rest of the way to the airport talking about the press conference and the imminent future of the Avengers and Tony grudgingly accepted his position as acting team leader – for the time being! 

And then it was time to board the plane and Tony felt his nerves flare up full force. His hands started trembling and he had to take several deep breaths through his nose. 

Holy shit, what the fuck was he doing? 

Steve was injured and fucked-up in the head, Tony himself had more issues than he could count and there was the fucking basket case that was Bucky hidden in his plane’s cargo hold. This would end so, so badly and it would all be Tony’s fault. Why the fuck had he taken it upon himself to find Bucky? Why did he even consider letting that fucker anywhere near Steve? And how the fuck had he become the mentally stable one to coordinate that fucked-up meeting? 

Shit! He felt like a ball of anxiety as he trailed after Steve trying to regain some control over his body. His heart was beating so loudly and fast that Tony feared Steve’s enhanced hearing would pick it up. Luckily it was loud at the airport and Tony’s shivering could be attributed to the chilly weather. 

Happy had taken them right to the jet, which was waiting for them in Terminal C right next to the US Airways Shuttle. Since Washington National mainly did short flights no one minded the small Stark jet too much. 

Before Tony could enter, Happy pulled him to the side. “Be careful, Tony. I know you think you know what you’re doing and I trust you, but please remember to think of yourself as well.” 

Tony sighed, his teeth clattering. “I know, I know, I’ll be careful. You take care of Pepper! Thanks for your help here, Happy.” 

Happy nodded at him and Tony walked up the stairs and into the jet. 

Steve had already taken a seat on the crème-colored leather couch and handed Tony a blanket upon taking in his shivering form. 

Tony accepted it gratefully and wrapped it around him like a cocoon. 

“JARVIS, you there?” he asked and snuggled back into the couch and against Steve’s broad chest. 

“Certainly, sir. How can I be of service? Captain Rogers, welcome back. How are you feeling?” 

Steve smiled at that. “Thank you, JARVIS. I’m alright.” 

Hah, yeah. Like hell he was. 

Tony took a deep, calming breath. There was no use in getting angry now. “Notify Nat that we’re on our way, she’s dying of boredom.” 

“I am glad to hear that, Captain. Sir, Agent Romanov has already been informed, she is, quote: ecstatic.” 

Both Tony and Steve huffed out a laugh at that. Right, ecstatic. “Oh, that reminds me, Pepper said to sent you and Nat her love.” 

Steve smiled softly. “That’s nice of her.” 

“She’s Pepper, she is nice. I invited her to the Tower, she’s gonna come around when she’s back in New York. That’s gotta be good for Nat, too.” 

Steve’s face took on a rueful expression at that and Tony shook his head. “Oh no, no no no, you do not get to feel guilty about that! It is not your fault! None of this is, okay! In fact, if it’s anyone’s fault-“ Tony interrupted himself by biting his lip, hard. His whole body was trembling badly and he just wanted Steve to tell him it was gonna be okay. But Steve couldn’t do that, it was Tony’s job right now and Tony couldn’t put any more stress on Steve. 

So he just sank further into the blankets and fiddled with Steve’s sleeve.

“It’s no one’s fault but HYDRA’s. But I’m gonna fix it.” 

Just like he was gonna fix the Avengers and SHIELD and SI and Steve and Bucky, no big deal. His heart hammered away in his chest and Tony felt completely overwhelmed. He didn’t even notice the way his hand dug into Steve’s wrist until Steve carefully peeled it off and turned to Tony, a serious expression on his face. 

“What’s wrong, Tony?” he asked, holding Tony’s trembling hand gingerly in his warm and steady one and Tony felt like crying. The real question was: what wasn’t wrong? Everything was fucked-up and everyone was fucked-up and Tony was keeping secrets and this was all wrong. 

But Tony just swallowed hard and shook his head. “Nothing, I’m good.” He even managed a wobbly smile. 

“The last few days must have been stressful for you”, Steve mused and Tony started tapping a rhythm on the back of his hand. 

“Eh, y’know”, he just shrugged. “It’s what I do, it’s what I’m good at. I’m gonna sleep for a week once we’re back, though. You’ve got permission to stop me from going into the workshop at any cost.” 

That made Steve smile and Tony felt marginally better. Not good enough to stop his fidgeting, though, but Steve didn’t comment on it again. 

“You’re banned from entering the gym, by the way, just so you know”, Tony added a moment later and Steve sighed unhappily. 

Just when Tony thought he would spontaneously combust any second from all the nervous energy, Steve pointed at the window. 

“Look, we’re here!” 

Tony jumped up and went to the window. The New York skyline greeted him and he could make out Avengers Tower. Fucking finally! A tingling sense had taken over his whole body and he couldn’t sit down, so he took to pacing. Even Steve’s “We’re going into landing, you should sit down Tony!” was ignored. 

When the plane made contact with the ground, Tony grabbed onto a shelf. Steve rolled his eyes at him and Tony shrugged in reply. 

The door was opened and Tony bounced out of the jet. Anxious didn’t even begin to describe how he was feeling, this was worse than when he had presented his first engine to Howard, fuck! 

Steve trailed after him, looking a bit happier than in DC but overall still defeated and tired. Tony hated that look. 

They went down the short flight of stairs and into the elevator. Tony was carrying Steve’s bag. 

“What do you say, change of clothes first and then we say hi to Nat?” 

Steve looked down at himself and nodded. “I forgot to change…”, he muttered, sounding devastated for a while. Oh boy. 

“No big deal, no one saw you.” It was becoming increasingly harder to keep the smile up, but Tony gave it his best. 

The lights turned on when they walked into Steve’s living room and Steve’s features morphed into a genuine smile.  
“I’m just gonna change. Meet you guys in the common area?” 

Tony nodded. “Sure thing. Take your time and just tell JARVIS if you need anything, I’ll come running.” 

Steve grabbed Tony’s arm and pulled him into a deep kiss. When they broke apart, Steve grinned and Tony had trouble regaining some resemblance of composure. 

“Right…”, he murmured and stepped into the elevator, still slightly befuddled. Suddenly he felt way too hot, wearing a scarf and a tie and a vest and a jacket and all that. He frantically tugged on the scarf and tried to loosen the tie, but it seemed as if it was stuck and suddenly he felt as if he couldn’t breathe, as if the tie was blocking his airways, strangling him – 

“Better?” 

Natasha’s voice brought him back to reality. She held both scarf and tie in her hand and had unbuttoned the first three buttons on the shirt. Her normally impassive face showed concern and insecurity. 

Tony ran a hand over his face. Somewhere he’d apparently lost his shades, most likely in the back of his car. He nodded and drew a shaky breath.  
“Yeah, yeah, I’m good. Thanks, Nat, I’m good.” 

Natasha didn’t comment any further but instead pointed at the figure standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. There, in his full hobo-ness stood the Winter Soldier, looking incredibly confused and more like a caged animal than like a human. 

“Barnes. I see you’ve survived the flight, good for you”, Tony stated drily, but Bucky didn’t even blink. Tony sighed. 

“I still don’t think this is a good idea, Tony”, Natasha murmured, her stare fixed on Bucky. 

Tony shrugged half-heartedly. “Bit too late to take it back now, huh?” 

As if on cue, the elevator pinged and the doors opened. Steve stepped out, wearing dark blue jeans and a light blue button-down shirt. 

Oh shit, show time. 

“Steve! I, um, there’s something I haven’t told you yet”, Tony started and diverted Steve’s attention like that. Steve started walking over to Tony.  
“You, uh, you’ve got a visitor.” 

With that, Tony pointed straight ahead at Bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliffhanger~ 
> 
> What's Steve's reaction gonna be?!


	10. Fucked Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you so much for your feedback! 
> 
> This one is a bit on the shorter side, I'm really busy with work. Sorry!

Steve’s smile froze on his face as he raised his eyebrows and turned slowly. Then his eyes widened and Tony could pinpoint the exact moment that Steve recognized Bucky. 

Tony grabbed onto the breakfast bar as Steve took a hesitant step forward and watched in horror as Steve’s eyes filled with tears. Fuck, no! That wasn’t supposed to happen! Steve wasn’t supposed to be crying, oh god, fuck, what if Tony had made everything worse, what if Steve didn’t really wanna see Bucky, what if this meeting was like the figurative straw that broke the camel’s back, oh shit, he didn’t want Steve to be even sadder, he didn’t deserve that, he’d thought Steve would be happy, why was Steve crying, how had he fucked that up again, oh god, he should just learn listening to his friends, his plans sucked – 

“…Bucky?” Steve’s voice was a broken whisper that carried so much hope in it that it felt painful just to listen. Tears were streaming over Steve’s face as he slowly broke into a smile and Tony held even more tightly onto the bar. The feather light touch of Natasha’s hand on his shoulder didn’t do anything to release the tension, it seemed as if even the air in the room was crackling with it. The atmosphere had turned heavy and oppressing, as if the room was shrinking around them. On some level Tony knew that he really didn’t wanna see the scene that was about to unfold in front of him, no matter how it was gonna play out, but at the same time his eyes seemed to be glued to Steve’s face and he couldn’t look away. 

Steve started walking towards Bucky with slow, measured steps and Bucky just stared at him, not moving, not blinking, from what Tony could tell probably not even breathing. 

“Bucky do you…remember me?” Steve asked again in that whisper that made Tony want to puke up his donut. It was his fault that Steve was sounding so fucking broken right now, why’d he have to act before thinking it through again? 

“You are Steve Rogers”, Bucky answered tonelessly and Steve’s whole body tensed up. “I know you from somewhere…” He trailed off and stared at Steve. Tony held his breath. Nat’s hand dug painfully into his bruised shoulder. 

Steve surged forward and embraced Bucky in a tight hug. His back was shaking with silent sobs as he held onto Bucky like he was the most important person in the world, as if he had found his long lost lover or something. 

Tony felt sick at the thought and a second later he felt disgusted at himself. This was Steve’s best friend he was thinking about, if he thought Rhodey had died and then found out he hadn’t he sure as hell would be clinging to like that as well. Still, Tony tried not to focus too much on Steve’s murmured “I missed you so much” and “Bucky, I can’t believe I got you back”. It was petty, but Tony didn’t wanna hear it. 

Steve gently released Bucky and wiped a hand over his eyes. “Geez, Bucky, I still can’t believe it…you’re alive and you’re here and you’re you…how are you feelin?” 

Tony didn’t think he’d ever heard Steve sound so much like the New Yorker he was before. His accent was strong when he didn’t consciously suppress it and it suddenly hit Tony how rarely he’d heard Steve speak like that in his presence. 

Bucky was still staring at Steve, clearly confused. He muttered something in Russian under his breath before addressing Steve again. “We were in the war together.” 

Steve nodded enthusiastically as if that sentence were the best news he’d ever gotten.

“I don’t remember much.” Bucky’s voice had taken on a desperate tone and Steve’s features softened. 

“That’s no problem, really, no big deal, I’m gonna help you and you’re gonna remember, piece by piece. There’s no hurry, we got all the time in the world, no worries.” 

Natasha released her hold on Tony’s shoulder and Tony pried his eyes off of Steve and Bucky. 

“What?” he whispered. 

“He doesn’t remember a thing, his Russian is better than his English, he’s confused and he’s exhausted. Steve is suffocating him and this is your place. Do something”, she hissed back, but not maliciously. Right, she’d been on the receiving end of a bullet from the Winter Soldier once, it made sense for her to be anxious. 

Tony’s hand with the bandaged wrist wandered to his bandaged throat and he swallowed. What the fuck had he been thinking, bringing another mentally unstable assassin into his Tower? Now the fucker was his responsibility, fuck it all. 

He pushed himself off the breakfast bar and took a few steps into the room. Bucky’s eyes were on him in an instant and Tony tried not to pay attention to the cold shivers running down his back.   
“Right, yeah, you had your heartfelt reunion and that’s all kinds of cute, but Steve, you’re smothering the man, seriously…”, he drawled and placed a hand on Steve’s back.   
“Bar- Bucky has just arrived here as well, he was on a flight, everything’s new, he’s bound to be pretty overwhelmed. What do you say we give him a room and some time to unwind and then you start your trip down memory lane, huh?” He was being an asshole and he knew it, he could have chosen his words more carefully, he was capable of compassion, but he was just so done at the moment. 

Luckily, none of his rudeness seemed to register with Steve whatsoever. Instead, Steve nodded, looking like a reprehended puppy while doing so. “Yeah, oh God, you’re right, Tony! Bucky, I’m so sorry, I was just so happy to see you…but of course, let’s get you to a room, the Tower’s guest rooms are top notch, you’ll see.” He turned to Tony, full of manic energy and all giddy. “Bucky’s gonna stay in the guest room on my floor, okay?” 

Jesus, talk about overenthusiastic. 

“Sure, if he doesn’t mind. Hey, Bucky”, Tony called over to him. Bucky drew his eyebrows together and waited. “just say the word if you need anything. As soon as you’ve settled in and everything I can give you the tour…or Steve can do it. Make yourself at home.” Well, that had been frosty. Nevertheless, Steve still beamed at Tony and ushered Bucky to the elevator all eagerly. 

Bucky threw Tony and Nat a helpless look and Tony raised his shoulders in a shrug. 

“Steve, you coming down here when you’ve got your chatty pal all settled in?” They had business to discus regarding Bucky and keeping quiet.   
“Take you time”, Tony added and Steve nodded again, his hand on the small of Bucky’s back. 

The pang of jealousy Tony felt was not pretty and he was seriously relieved when the elevator doors closed. 

“What the fuck was I thinking?” he muttered and couldn’t hold back a hollow laugh. 

“Steve wanted to find him. And Steve would have found him. You just made it easier”, Natasha supplied and Tony sighed.   
“Did he do this to you? The Winter Soldier?” She pointed at Tony’s injuries and he grimaced. Right. Of course she’d seen them now. God, and he was still in that shirt and the vest and the slacks. 

A sudden wave of exhaustion hit and he felt as if his legs would give out any minute now. Fuck. He walked over to the couch and slumped down on it in a graceless heap. Shit, he really needed a drink right now. He hadn’t had one in way too long and those were special circumstances after all.   
God, he felt like shit. 

He let his head drop down on the headrest and stared at the ceiling. The position made his throat ache ever so slightly.   
“Yeah, it was him. Got my wrist and my shoulder good, too. But it’s not broken or anything, I’m fine.” 

There was a motion next to him and Natasha sat down on the couch as well. She was no doubt much more graceful than Tony had been. 

“What about Steve?” She didn’t call him out on his obvious lie, something that Tony appreciated a lot about Natasha. 

“He’s not. I…Fury send me something. I’ll have JARVIS forward it to you. It’s not pretty, but you’re used to gruesome in your line of work, I guess. Speaking of creepy assassins, where’s birdbrain? Flown out on a mission?” 

Tony was still staring at the ceiling, but even so he could feel Natasha’s body tense momentarily. “Bad topic?” he asked, trying to keep his tone light. 

“Bad topic”, she agreed. 

“Mhm. Fix me a drink?” There was a slightly hysteric and very much desperate note to his voice now.   
Still, Nat got up and walked over to the well-stocked bar. Tony closed his eyes against the onslaught of images of Steve embracing Bucky and Steve crying and Steve with his hands all over Bucky and just Steve and Bucky and Bucky beating the crap out of Steve and Steve falling and –

“Here” Natasha set down a glass in front of Tony’s head snapped forward. He groaned and rubbed at his eyes. There were two water glasses filled to the brim with vodka set on the table. Shit. Apparently even Nat acknowledged the severity of the situation. 

She silently raised her glass and Tony clinked his against it. Then they both swallowed a big mouthful. 

“Everything’s gone to shit”, Tony murmured helpfully. 

“I haven’t forgiven you for making me talk to Hill”, Nat replied sourly. 

Tony wondered about Clint. He missed Bruce. And there hadn’t been any word from Thor in months. All Rhodey wanted to do was talk business and so did Pepper. And Steve was completely unstable and taking care of his equally – if not more – resurrected amnesiac best friend. 

They were so, so fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next one's gonna be longer, promise! 
> 
> Thoughts?


	11. Battered and Bruised

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive! Sorry for this absurdly long break - I started a new full-time job and I'm doing research as part of the job so that means a lot of writing. Sadly that means I don't have the energy to do much of my just-for-fun-writing anymore, but I'll try to update more regularly again!

It was just past lunchtime and Tony could really not afford to be day-drunk. So he shook his head when Nat raised the bottle to fill his glass anew. She gave him a funny look, but shrugged and only filled her glass. 

There was something seriously wrong with her. She was tense to the point that even Tony noticed and it couldn’t just be because of the leaked information on her. After working as an assassin and a spy for so long, she should have been prepared for that to happen.   
It also couldn’t be because she was stuck at the Tower now. They’d have missions, even together, where they’d had to stake out an AIM-base for much longer and she hadn’t been as stressed then. Besides, the Tower was huge and held a gym, a pool, every gaming system known to men and just about every sort of entertainment imaginable. It really wasn’t the worst place to be stuck in. 

So there was a problem with Clint. Who, conveniently, wasn’t around and who’d been in a strange kinda mood for a while now. 

It was worrying, to say the least. 

“…wanna talk about it?” Tony offered hesitantly after Nat had drained half her glass. He received a set of raised eyebrows in reply and shrugged once self-consciously. 

“What, with you, Stark? You got a PsyD now as well?” 

Yeah, things were really fucked up when Tony offered to do feelings-talk. And most of the time Natasha didn’t even admit to having feelings, so this was heading nowhere. 

“I’ll be fine”, she supplied after a moment of awkward silence.   
“What about you? Do you wanna talk about it? How did you manage to get beat up by the Winter Soldier? Ah, I guess that one’s not a surprise, we’ve all been there, but why’d you let him do it?”

Tony retold the story in as little detail as possible while checking his mails at the same time. SI stocks were rising again, thank fuck. Hill wanted a talk in person, nope, not gonna happen. Pepper would remain in DC for the rest of the weekend and visit on Sunday, good. Rhodey asked for a meeting, sadly not a priority right now.   
There was an overwhelming amount of messages and once again Tony missed Pepper as his PA. Only now that he had to take care of all his crap by himself did he realize how fucking exhausting it was.   
But at least he knew his social security number now.

“So he’s definitely not Steve’s Bucky?” Natasha asked after he had finished his story and Tony sighed in defeat. He was itching to get out of the suit and change into something more comfortable, but at the same time he was just so tired that he couldn’t be bothered to get up. 

“There might be something left of him, but as of now? Nope. Bucky has left the building and I got no idea if he’s coming back any time soon.” And Tony had brought him into the Tower. Fucking perfect. 

“But Steve won’t want to believe that.” Nat’s voice had a matter-of-fact quality, a horrible finality to it and Tony found himself agreeing with her. 

No. Steve, ever the optimist, wouldn’t give up on Bucky. He’d pour everything into fixing him and burn himself out in the process. And when it would become apparent that there was no fixing someone that broken, Steve would crash, badly. Tony could see it all play out and he was the one to have caused it. 

“We can’t have Hill knowing. Or Rhodey.” He grimaced at that. “’m not sure if he’d tell, but he wouldn’t wanna keep it a secret. Let’s keep it between us for now and keep the lunatic where we can see him?” 

He got a curt nod in reply. “We’ll have to make sure he stays in this part of the Tower, no one has access to it. And I’ll be keeping both my eyes on him.” Nat took another sip of the vodka, a dark expression on her face. 

Tony couldn’t blame her, he didn’t feel at ease with Barnes in the Tower either. But then again he rarely ever felt at ease in New York anyway. 

“I’m just gonna change into something more comfy…” he murmured and stumbled over to the elevator. Natasha stayed on the couch, a thoughtful expression on her usually impassive face. 

This whole HYDRA business was taking a toll on all of them. 

“JARVIS, notify me when Steve gets to the communal area.” 

“Certainly, sir. But I feel forced to add that your vitals are worrying, sir. You show signs of dehydration, malnutrition and severe fatigue. May I recommend a meal and some sleep?” 

The elevator lights danced in front of Tony’s eyes and he dimly noted that he was leaning completely against the side of the elevator. Huh. 

“Good assessment, J”, he mumbled and stumbled right into his bedroom. “Why don’t you order some Chinese?” 

That seemed to appease his AI and it didn’t sound like a bad idea to Tony either. The last food he’d consumed had been a donut and these weren’t known for their excellent nutritional value after all. 

Tony dropped down on his huge, soft, fluffy, perfect bed headfirst and groaned into the sheets. Sleep for a week? Scratch that, he needed to sleep for at least a whole year. And when he’d wake up everything would have magically fixed itself and there wouldn’t be a thing left to worry about. 

He ran his calloused fingers over the silky covers and pried his eyes open again reluctantly. 

“Hey, J, did you tell Sam Wilson we got back here safe?” Tony stared off somewhere to his left looking at nothing. 

“Of course, sir. He spoke with Agent Romanov on the phone.”

“Thanks, JARVIS”, Tony murmured softly and blinked. He couldn’t afford to fall asleep right now. 

“Not a problem, sir. There is a bottle of water on your nightstand. It would calm me greatly if you considered drinking it.” 

Suddenly a memory of Jarvis, the real Jarvis, making him hot chocolate and tucking him in hit Tony and a stab of loss cursed through his body. He missed him, god, he missed him so much! His childhood had been a shitty time, no question, but things had been easier then, in a sense. When he screwed up he’d get slapped by Howard, sure, but that was just some pain and then things were alright again. Not that it ever helped him or made sure he didn’t screw up again, but it had been easier. Painful, sure, but easy. He’d known what to expect even if he hadn’t really understood Howard’s motivation at first. But Jarvis had been there to take care of his wounds and to explain about Howard’s work and the pressure he was under and then he’d made Tony hot chocolate and things had been alright. Not great, nothing about his childhood had been great, but it was manageable. 

Now though? He just kept screwing up, again and again and again, and there was no one to slap him and certainly no one to make him hot chocolate and tuck him in. He was alone and his actions had consequences and he knew that nothing would ever be alright – not after mass producing weapons that caused mass destruction, nope – and he couldn’t sleep at night. But that was just and right since the guilt was eating away at him anyway and he didn’t deserve to sleep, he had to make up for his mistakes and every second was valuable. 

So Tony pulled himself together and sat up. His head was spinning slightly and his cheeks felt damp. He rubbed at his eyes and grabbed the water bottle.   
After draining it and taking a deep breath, Tony addressed JARVIS again. His voice sounded funny and he wanted to scream.   
“How long have I been up here?”

“Twenty-three minutes, sir. Are you feeling all right? Do you want me to alert Agent Romanov or Dr. Miller?” 

Tony felt horribly reminded of his stunt in the elevator in DC. He couldn’t help but grimace. 

“Nope, J, no need. I might wanna talk to Doc about Barnes later, though, that’s a good thought. And about Steve, I guess.” He hesitated for a moment while unbuttoning his shirt before he asked, “What’s Steve doing?” 

JARVIS’ voice didn’t sound disapproving when he answered and that alone was enough to alert Tony. “Captain Rogers is drawing.” 

Tony, who was just rummaging through his closet for a sweater, stopped and raised an eyebrow. “He’s doing what now?” Awesome, now Steve was going insane for real. 

“He appears to be drawing Sergeant Barnes who is pretending to be asleep”, JARVIS clarified and Tony groaned. 

“Dammit, Steve…J, what about the Chinese?” He’d found a sweater, yay for him, and a pair of half-decent jeans. After looking at himself in the mirror – fuck, he wouldn’t win any awards looking like that – he decided to add a scarf. That bandage around his throat looked morbid. And it really didn’t help his half-dead, puffy eyed look, nope. 

“The food has just been delivered, sir.”

“Awesome. Tell Steve and Nat to come to the kitchen and eat. Steve won’t say no to food and like that he’ll stop being all creepy. Drawing Barnes while he’s asleep…” 

Natasha was already curled up in an armchair when Tony entered, feet folded underneath her and unpacking the food containers. 

“Hey Nat” Tony said and strolled over to her with a confidence he didn’t feel. “Thought I’d lure the Capsicle out of his lair with the promise of food, that usually works, right?” 

He sat down on the couch gingerly and grabbed a pair of chopsticks. 

Natasha grabbed a container filled with chicken noodles and shrugged once, tense. “Who knows how he might react now. He’s your emotionally stunted boyfriend.” There was a slight lilt to her words, a harsh note to her ‘r’s and Tony wondered idly how much more vodka she’d had. Not that he was one to berate her on the subject, talk about hypocrisy. 

She nodded towards the elevator, gaze fixed on her noodles. “Here he comes.” 

Immediately Tony sat up a bit straighter and tried to appear calm and collected at the same time. Judging by Nat’s soft snort he failed miserably, but maybe it was enough to convince Steve. 

Who walked over to them, a bright, feverish smile on his face, and kissed Tony square on the mouth, right in front of Natasha. Huh. His smile turned into a boyish grin and he took a seat next to Tony. 

Tony blinked at him, completely overwhelmed for a moment.   
“Steve, honey bunny, glad you could make it. And, uh, glad to see you so happy.” It sounded more befuddled than glad and Tony couldn’t help it. What the fuck was up with Steve now?   
“Bucky settle in alright?” Because really, that was the only thing that really mattered right now. 

As expected, Steve beamed at him. Yup. Right question.   
Then he engulfed him in a hug, wrapping his amazingly muscular arms around Tony and – fuck, crushing his bruised shoulder. The nice, warm feeling of safety and home was quite literally crushed and Tony hissed in pain. Steve let go of him immediately and his big, worried baby blues started searching Tony’s body for injuries. 

Tony couldn’t help but squirm under the scrutiny, he knew he looked as if some alien monster whale thing had chewed him up good only to spit him out again. And Steve didn’t need any more stress, he shouldn’t be worried about Tony. 

From across the table Natasha just watched both of them as if they were the most interesting reality show ever. 

Fuck all of them. 

With a sigh, Tony put a hand on Steve’s arm. “It’s nothing, really, I just got bruised up a bit. Sam had a look at it, it’s fine, no need to worry. How are you feeling? Everything healing nicely?” He was still the master of deflection and his tactic worked. 

Steve threw him a skeptical glance and buried his left hand in Tony’s hair, stroking it softly. The feverish smile made a reappearance and Tony couldn’t help but cringe. 

“Oh Tony, I’m so happy! I can’t thank you enough! You found Bucky! You promised me you would and then you really did! Thank you so much!” He pulled Tony closer and Tony let him, unsure of what to do.   
“And it’s not like I doubted you, but that you managed to find him and bring him here so fast! And he’s not even injured – thank you, Tony!” 

Right. Unlike Steve and Tony himself, he thought grimly, but he didn’t want to spoil Steve’s – creepily – good mood, so for once he didn’t voice his thoughts.   
Instead, he carefully touched Steve’s abdomen. It was still bandaged. 

“And how’s the rest of you? You know, the parts that got shot?” he asked quietly. 

But apparently not even that was enough to dampen Steve’s spirits, because he just continued smiling. “Oh, it’s healing. Starting to get a bit itchy, actually, but I’m gonna be fine.” Then he grabbed a food container from the table and dug in, his left arm still slung around Tony’s should, keeping him close. 

And this was where Tony wanted to be, forever, always. He sighed softly and leaned into the touch, his eyelids sliding shut.   
Then something hit his forehead and he flinched violently. His eyes snapped open and he glared at Natasha who was laughing silently in the armchair opposite him. 

“You need to eat, Tony”, she proclaimed in between giggles as Steve removed the piece of chicken from Tony’s face. She’d had the whole bottle alright. 

Tony gave her a withering glare as he got a box of rice from the table and leaned back into Steve. Fine. So he’d eat. He’d promised JARVIS, anyway. 

“How did you get hurt?” Steve asked after a while and Tony felt his chest constrict. He could easily lie and said it had been some security guard or a grabby journalist, but then he’d be lying to Steve! He didn’t like lying to him. The alternative, however, was telling him the truth, and that would paint Barnes in a light Steve didn’t wanna see. Tony didn’t feel comfortable doing either thing, he didn’t want Steve to have to feel bad about Barnes because of Tony, it wasn’t fair, not now that Steve was so happy and had him back.   
But still, it beat lying. 

Natasha had gone very quiet and observed both of them not at all stealthily. 

“Bucky grabbed me, but it’s really nothing. It was with his metal arm, I’m not sure if he can judge his strength – cough by Natasha – and I don’t blame him.” Yay, so much for creative truth telling. Tony had even invented an excuse for Steve to use to make himself feel better! 

“I’ll talk to him. Maybe you can have a look at the arm, see if it’s hurting him or something. I don’t believe HYDRA took an effort in making it comfortable.” 

He had a point there and Tony nodded. Besides, he’d been wanting to take the arm apart and find out what made it tick from the second he had first laid eyes on it. He wasn’t really sure if he wanted to improve it, though. Maybe making it less lethal would be the wiser option. 

“Maybe you can talk to Bucky too, Nat”, Steve said after finish his second container of Chinese. 

Nat just raised an eyebrow at him and leaned back in her armchair.   
“He’s confused and he slips into Russian frequently. I speak some Russian but not really well and maybe it would help him to have a conversation in Russian. Just to give him some sense of familiarity and convince him that he’s safe here. I want him to feel at home.” 

Now it was Tony’s turn to silently snicker at Natasha. He saw her battling with herself for a few strained seconds, evidently afraid of the Winter Soldier’s ability to hurt her but also too proud to admit it in front of Steve.   
In the end, she simply nodded. “I’ll see what I can do.” 

Steve beamed up at her as if Christmas had come early. Tony would have ruffled his hair, but he was way too comfortable in his position by Steve’s side. 

Maybe things wouldn’t be too bad if they could still sit there like this and chat and eat. Maybe things wouldn’t change too much and Tony was just being paranoid.   
Maybe everything would turn out alright in the end. 

And then Steve ruffled Tony’s hair, gave him a quick kiss and got up. 

“I gotta go back up and see how he is. I just don’t want him to be all alone when he wakes up, everything must look so foreign to him. I still remember my first days at SHIELD and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I’ll see you later Tony, Nat.” 

With that he grabbed the empty food containers, dropped them in the trash and walked up the staircase. 

Tony styed seated on the couch staring after Steve numbly. 

That bit about everything turning out alright had sounded too good to be true anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope it was worth the wait and you don't hate me for making Tony suffer so much...


	12. Speaking Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your patience :)

Things with Bucky progressed from bad to worse and Tony cancelled Pepper’s trip to the Tower. It just wasn’t save.   
She was clearly hurt because of the cancellation and he missed her fiercely, but putting her in unnecessary danger just so he’d feel good about himself for a few hours didn’t quite strike him as worth it.

Barnes was a fucking pain. 

He wandered the Tower, aimlessly, and just stopped in random places. Tony had walked into the gym, the communal kitchen and even his own wardrobe just to find the creep standing there, staring at nothing. The inevitable heart attack was a approaching fast. 

Attempts at communication had been sparsely reciprocated at best; usually Barnes had just stared at him, wide-eyed. Sometimes he shuddered. Other times he murmured something in Russian. When Steve was there he seemed to be able to form a full sentence in English from time to time. Steve’s face would lit up all stupidly happy when that happened and Tony would leave the room by saying “Workshop!” and doing some ambiguous gesture with his hands. Not that Steve cared. Or even noticed.   
Steve wasn’t really noticing all that much lately unless it concerned Barnes, but that was fine. He couldn’t be blamed for his total obsession with his long-assumed-dead best friend, even Tony knew that. This was not the place for petty jealousy. 

It made his chest ache constantly, sure, but Tony could get used to that. He could learn to live with that, it was fine, at least Steve was alright and not getting blown up in exploding buildings. And he was happy, much happier than Tony had ever seen him before, so Bucky, even though he wasn’t all there, had to be doing something right. 

And Tony had time for himself now since he didn’t spend any with Steve. Yay. He had filed some patents for SI to keep Pepper and the investors happy and himself occupied. Right now he was working on a way to save those 30,000 workers. It wasn’t looking too good on that front, though, and he had to admit to himself that maybe Pepper had been right. There just wasn’t enough work for all of them and with the current national security crisis no one was rushing into investing in SI.   
It was fucking frustrating. 

“I got nothing, J!” Tony finally exclaimed and threw his hands in the air in a gesture of defeat. Then he slumped back down on his swiveling chair. “Pepper’s right, we’ll have to fire them all!” He rubbed at his eyes and had to forcibly refrain himself from scratching his itchy throat. The cut was nearly all healed and now it was itching like a bitch. 

“Sir, with all due respect, you have been working for more than 17 hours without taking a break again. I would be much surprised if you managed to find the solution to a problem of this scale in your current state. Ms. Potts and StarkIndustries’ head of human resources have been discussing the issue for days now and have reached no favorable conclusion so far” JARVIS answered, a hint of strain in his mechanic voice. 

Tony groaned. “Why do you sound stressed out? You’re incapable of being stressed out, you’re an AI!” 

There was a scoff. “It is a feat that could only be achieved by you, sir. Congratulations, you manage to stress out your AIs.” Then JARVIS dropped the sarcastic inflection. “Agent Romanov is just cooking dinner. Why don’t you join her? I will continue searching for ways to stop the dismissal.” 

“Nat is cooking?” That alone was reason enough to go up to the kitchen. Natasha didn’t cook, she was a lethal assassin-spy-lady! 

“Indeed, sir. It seems to be a Russian dish.”

Tony got out of the chair and let his gaze wander for a moment. The workshop looked like hell with tools, machine parts and half-empty coffee cups scattered everywhere.   
Ugh. 

“Thanks, J, I’ll check it out. Please monitor my vitals while I eat, I don’t wanna accidentally die from poisoning. Dummy, U, Butterfingers?” 

The robots piped up by making mechanic, whirring noises that totally weren’t cute, no matter what Steve said!   
“Take care of this mess here.” 

They bobbed their heads/claws/whatever machine parts there were and Tony took the elevator up to the communal kitchen. 

He needed to make it up to Pepper. The bullshit excuse he’d given her – team bonding exercises taking up the whole weekend – hadn’t been able to convince her for a second, but being the awesome person that she was Pepper hadn’t pried and just accepted the cancelled date. Fixing the layoff-problem would be just enough to get on her good graces again, but Tony couldn’t for the life of him figure it out. He’d never had those kinda problems when he had still been making weapons, he thought grimly, and felt horrible a second later for even thinking that. Fuck, he needed to get a grip! 

When he walked toward the kitchen he could make out a quiet conversation in Russian. Was Nat talking on the phone? He didn’t wanna disturb her. But then her voice quieted down and a deeper, masculine voice answered her. 

Tony stopped dead in his tracks as he laid eyes on the scene. 

Natasha and Barnes were sitting at the kitchen table, eating something containing a lot of beet and talking animatedly in Russian. There was a small smile on Natasha’s face and even Barnes seemed more relaxed than usual. 

Tony blinked. 

What the fuck? 

“You can join us, Tony”, Natasha suddenly said in English and the conversation stopped. Yeah, no, that didn’t seem to be the kinda scenario where Tony’s input was needed. 

“Ah, Nat, Barnes, hi, didn’t know you were here, hope I’m not interrupting anything, I just, ah, wanted to get some orange juice, mine’s empty and JARVIS reminded me that even I can’t live on coffee alone, so here I am. But don’t stop talking, just pretend I’m not here, I don’t understand a word anyway.” His heart was beating too fast and it was an effort to walk over to the fridge under the scrutiny of two pairs of eyes. 

Barnes said something in Russian that sounded like a question and Nat laughed before answering in a soothing tone. The fuck was going on here? 

“Where’s Steve?” Tony asked while pouring himself a glass of juice. He didn’t even want orange juice, but now he had to get some. Couldn’t he have just said he’d come for coffee? 

“Steve…” Barnes murmured as in a daze and the smile slipped off Natasha’s face. 

“Steve has gone to his check-up. Didn’t he tell you?” 

Tony sipped some juice and shook his head. “Must’ve slipped his mind or something. He’s alright, though? His wounds didn’t reopen, did they?” Or had Steve told him and Tony hadn’t paid attention? It was possible and wouldn’t be the first time. But Tony would remember an exchange with Steve, there’d only been a handful of them those last couple days. Which was fine, really, he was busy anyway. Honestly. 

“Nah, he’s fine. He just wants to be cleared for duty asap.” She shrugged and retrieved another porcelain plate from the cupboard. “Sit down, Tony, and eat something. James and I made it, it’s винегрет, vinegret.“ She filled the plate with a healthy helping of the reddish-purple salad. 

Tony choked on his orange juice and broke out into a coughing fit.   
“You and who?” he coughed, tears in his eyes. 

Nat just raised an eyebrow and motioned at the free seat opposite her.   
“James. That’s his name. I found him staring at the inside of the fridge so I asked him if he wanted to help me with dinner. He suggested we make vinegret. Enjoy.” 

Deciding to just accept his fate for now and ask questions later, Tony sank into the assigned seat and started mechanically shoveling salad into his mouth. It was quite tasty if he was being honest with himself. Still, he was uneasy. The whole situation creeped him out. A lot. This was a new kinda development he hadn’t been prepared for. 

“So you call him James. You buddies now?” 

Natasha glared at him. “He listens to ‘James’. It’s his name. He doesn’t, however, react when people speak English with him. The most Steve gets out of him are monosyllabic answers. But I noticed that he speaks Russian, keeps muttering to himself in it. I don’t like this situation, Tony, and quite frankly speaking I am scared. I can’t go out and the enemy is in here with me. So I do what I usually do. I try to assess the situation. And if James doesn’t communicate in English, I’ll communicate in Russian with him. I want to know if he’s up to something or really just a basket case. So far my money’s on the latter, but I’ve only started talking to him two days ago, so I won’t make any final judgments. But for now I’ll work with the assumption that he’s a victim, a person who has been hurt. Addressing him by his name should be common courtesy under these circumstances, right?” 

Tony swallowed the last bit of salad. Damn. Her reasoning was pretty fucking sound. He felt even more like a jackass than before. 

She dropped her voice to a whisper so low that Tony had to concentrate to make out her words. “He’s not right, Tony. He’s fucking messed up and I’m not sure if keeping him here isn’t making it worse. I don’t know what he could do if he snapped.” 

That was not a promising prospect, Tony had to admit as much. He didn’t need the Winter Soldier on the loose in his Tower. 

“So you really are keeping your eyes on him…” he muttered in reply. And whose fault was that? Right, his. Why hadn’t he taken the time to think this particular fucked up idea through to the end? God, what the fuck was wrong with him? 

“Ah, it’s okay. I was bored anyway.” Natasha shrugged half-heartedly.   
Tony just wondered how he was supposed to fix this mess. 

“Oh, wow! You’re all sitting here together! Bucky, didn’t I tell you Nat and Tony are swell people?” Ah yeah, beautiful. His favorite hot mess had just entered the kitchen with that demented grin on his face. Tony was getting kinda worried about that. Not that he didn’t like Steve smiling or anything, but there was something wrong about that grin. Hell, there was something seriously wrong about the whole fucking situation! 

“Hey Capsicle, welcome back. What did the doc say?” Tony asked and forced a smile. Steve’s head snapped over to him and he smiled a normal smile before walking over to him and pressing a soft kiss on his hair. A sense of longing shot through Tony’s chest and for a moment he simply wanted to wrap his arms around Steve and never let go. Then Steve sat down next to him and the moment passed. 

“Everything’s healing nicely but I’m still not allowed to spar.” He sighed. “But this way I get to spend more time with Buck, so I guess it’s not all bad.” 

The fact that Bucky hadn’t even acknowledged Steve’s presence didn’t put a damper on his mood. That alone was worrisome. 

Tony’s gaze dropped to the table and he started fiddling with his fork. “Yeah, um, about that, uh, can I talk to you for a second? Like, doesn’t have to be now, just, sometime soon?” 

“Sure, Tony”, Steve said sounding a bit confused. “Whatever you need, you know you can tell me anything.” 

Tony nodded without meeting his eye. Right. The way that Steve always told him everything. Fuck, they really made quite the pair. 

“Come up to my floor when you’re ready?” Tony asked. He’d made sure that Barnes couldn’t just stroll in after the walk-in in the wardrobe that had scared him shitless. But now his floor was safe again and there wouldn’t be any chance of Barnes disturbing the conversation. 

“Right. I, uh, I guess I can leave Bucky with Nat for a while. Is that alright with you?” he asked, always the polite gentleman. 

Nat just shrugged. “James and I made the vigrete together. We talked about Russian dishes before. It’s fine. I like having someone to speak Russian with again after all that time.” 

At that, Steve’s eyes began to shine. “Really? Natasha’s quite the dame, ain’t she?” He grinned at Bucky who actually smiled back and lifted his shoulders in a shrug.   
Steve laughed out loud and Tony couldn’t believe the scene unfolding in front of his eyes. It was too surreal. 

He took out his phone and wrote a short message to Natasha: ‘look at the video JARVIS sent you when you’re alone.’  
His Tower was turning into a fucking loony bin. 

“You coming, Rogers?” Tony asked over his shoulder. He couldn’t take it anymore. He needed the comfort of his own floor and a drink in his hand. 

Steve slipped into the elevator with him at the last second. The he touched Tony’s shoulder lightly as if he wasn’t sure what the gesture was supposed to convey. Or maybe that was just Tony’s projection. 

“Are you alright?” Steve asked when they stepped out. “You seem tense.”

Tony laughed once, bitterly. Then he walked over to the bar. “Drink?” he asked without answering the fucking stupid question. Tense was a euphemism compared to how he was really feeling. 

“Just a beer, thanks.” 

He walked over to the couch, drinks in hand, and dropped down next to Steve who automatically put his arm around him like he usually did. 

For a moment, Tony simply leaned back and breathed in Steve’s scent. Shit. He wanted Steve to be happy, for fuck’s sake! If anyone deserved to be happy it was Steve! 

Tony gulped. This wasn’t gonna be easy. He swallowed a mouthful of scotch.   
“I’m gonna do something really atypical for me and just get to the point, no rambling tonight.” He took another sip. It wasn’t enough. “Bucky’s not alright, he needs help. Professional help.” He drained the glass. His hand was trembling visibly. 

Next to him, Steve tensed. He drew his arm back and turned so that he was facing Tony. The beer had been discarded on the coffee table. Steve’s brows were furrowed and his jaw was clenched. Intuitively, Tony shrank back into the cushions and hugged his right arm close to his chest, sheltering the arc reactor. 

“What do you mean by that?” Steve asked, tone harsh. His baby blues were cold and angry, glaring down at Tony and a shiver ran down his back. 

“Hey now, Cap, no need to snap your cap…” he laughed nervously and started tapping on his reactor. Fuck. What was he so afraid of? Where was this panic coming from? This was Steve, for fuck’s sake! 

He couldn’t pry his eyes away from Steve’s face. 

“Tony, you said no rambling. What are you insinuating?” Oh fuck, Steve was pissed. 

This was such a fucking stupid idea. 

“It’s…I…I don’t mean to be a dick, trust me, but let’s be honest for a second. The guy’s a mess. And not in the cute, we’re all a li’l messed up-way like the rest of the team, I’m talking a real mess. I mean, you gotta see that, right? Sure, you talk and like that exchange right now, that was good, but how many of these good moments does he have? Hell, just yesterday I found him in my walk-in closet! When I asked him what he was doing in there he just stared at me and asked me where he was! Do you see what I mean?”

Steve got up and crossed his arms.   
“No, quite frankly I do not see what you mean, Tony. Bucky is adjusting. It’s normal. We just have to give him time. What do you suggest we do, huh? Give him into the care of some SHIELD psychologists?” His voice was steadily rising until he was finally shouting. 

Tony flinched before throwing his arms up and getting up as well. 

“That’s exactly what I’m suggesting! The guy’s gone through a shitload of trauma, how are we supposed to fix him?! It’s just too much, even for you, Steve…” Tony’s voice dropped to a murmur again. “I’m just worried about you. I know how much he means to you and I want him to feel better, too. I just think we might need some professional help. Someone like Dr. Miller.”

Steve’s face morphed into something that looked like a sneer, except that Steve didn’t sneer - he was the nicest fucking human being on the planet!   
“And that’s where you’re wrong. I know that’s a hard concept for you to grasp, but Bucky doesn’t need fixing. He’s not one of your machines”, Steve spat. “People don’t need to be fixed! He’s improving and soon he’ll be back to his old self! You just don’t wanna see it ‘cause you’re jealous! I’m really sorry that not everyone’s about you for once! Fuck! I thought you’d understand me!” 

With that, Steve turned around and walked away. 

Tony stared numbly at the door. He was alone. On his floor. Somehow it didn’t feel safe anymore. It felt cold and uncomfortable and somehow lacking. Like Tony himself. 

What had just happened? Had Steve really shouted at him? 

Yeah, okay. That had shut him up more effectively than a slap could ever have. Not that he really thought that Steve would ever physically hurt him. But yeah. This had been clear. Right. Yeah. He’d gotten the message. Yeah. And Steve wasn’t even wrong. Nope. He was right. Tony was just jealous. He was a self-absorbed bastard. Why couldn’t he just be happy for Steve? And why did he always butt in? Steve was right. Tony knew how to fix machines. Bucky was not a machine. He was a person. What did Tony know about interacting with people? Not a damn thing. He didn’t know a damn thing. 

Tony poured himself another drink and retrieved his StarkPad from his nightstand. He had 30,000 jobs to save.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate Steve!   
> I don't hate Steve...things are gonna get better, I promise!


	13. Asking for Help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your nice comments, guys! They made me really happy!

“Sir, I’m afraid I have to inform you that your messages to Dr. Banner are not getting through. He seems to have blocked all ways of communication”, JARVIS said. 

Tony was sitting on the couch in his workshop and drinking a green smoothie. Natasha and him had just finished their semi-regular sparing session and Tony felt exhausted. It was the good kind of exhausted, though, the feeling of having accomplished something that came with a good workout. 

“What do you mean, he’s blocked me? He can’t do that, we’re friends! I’m me! He wouldn’t do that! I mean, he’s Bruce! He would never block me! He wouldn’t, right, J? Why would he?” 

There was a pause. 

“The last mail he sent you said: ‘If you go through with that impulsive, suicidal plan of yours, I’m out. Don’t attempt to contact me again and don’t try to find me.’ Dr. Banner was referring to you bringing Sergeant Barnes to Avengers Tower, sir, which you did. That same night. I’m afraid to inform you that yes, Dr. Banner does indeed seem to be ignoring you voluntarily and on purpose.” 

Tony groaned and sloshed the smoothie around in the glass. Fuck, he needed to shower, he was getting all sticky with sweat and that was not a hot look, not even on him. 

“Great. Awesome. Fucking brilliant. Bruce is sulking, Clint’s still MIA – well, not really, I know he’s in France on some top secret mission, whatever – Thor’s still in Middle Earth or whatever his magical fantasy land is called and I’m stuck here with-“ 

“YOU CAN’T KEEP ME HERE FOREVER! I WON’T TELL YOU ANYTHING!!!” 

Tony flinched violently and spilled green liquid all over his workout tee. 

“Jesus! Fuck!” he shouted. His heart was hammering away in his chest. Carefully, he lowered the now empty glass with a trembling hand. “Fuck, Barnes!” 

Bucky was standing in the door, a crazed look in his eyes. His hair was wild and he too was wearing SI workout-clothes. He was breathing heavily and looked like he was on the run. 

It wasn’t an unusual sight. Tony closed his eyes and took a calming breath. He exhaled through his nose, slowly. 

“JARVIS”, he said, low and pointedly, “Why didn’t you warn me about our good Sergeant’s impending arrival?” 

“Apologies, sir. Sergeant Barnes seemed fine, he was just going to the kitchen when he suddenly changed directions and sprinted down the stairs. You were talking and I did not want to interrupt you and then he was already here. He seems to be experiencing a flashback.” 

Tony sighed and got off the couch. “I gathered as much, yeah. Barnes, hey, Barnes! Look at me! You’re in Avengers Tower in NYC. We’re not holding you prisoner. My name’s Tony Stark and you’re James Barnes. Steve Rogers is here, Captain America, your friend and Natasha Romanov, the Russian lady who cooks with you. We don’t want information from you. You’ve been staying with us for a week now. We wanna help you cause HYDRA fucked with your head. We’re your friends. Allies. Whatever.” 

Ever so slowly Bucky’s features relaxed and a look of understanding passed over his face. He blinked and his whole posture changed except for his eyes that didn’t lose the slightly haunted look. 

“Where am I?” he murmured and looked around questioningly. 

Tony wanted to first shoot Barnes and then himself. Fuck his life. 

“You’re in my workshop in Avengers Tower. Fuck knows how you got in here, too…J tells me you were on your way to the kitchen. I suggest you go back there. Now.” 

Barnes nodded, still in a daze. “Kitchen…yeah…” He threw a last glance at Tony and then turned around and went back up the stairs. 

As far as fucking mental went this exchange hadn’t been the most memorable one by a long shot. The guy was fucking insane and Tony was losing his patience. That heart attack was becoming realer with every second that passed. And he knew that simply telling Barnes to fuck off after having a flashback was a dick move, yeah, but he just didn’t know what else to do anymore. The last time he had tried to talk him down and wrap him up in a blanket – dude had been shivering uncontrollably, it had been painful to watch – Bucky had punched him square across the jaw. It had been sore for three days and even now there was a light green coloring to his face. 

“Sir, Captain Rogers approaching!” JARVIS managed before Steve jogged into the workshop, panting slightly. 

He, too, was wearing workout clothes, the grey pants and the tight white shirt Tony loved so much. What was up with all the sweatpants today? His hair was disheveled and he was hunched over slightly. 

“Hey Tony, have you seen Buck?” Steve asked and stopped in the doorframe. 

Tony’s right hand ghosted over the reactor and a heavy feeling settled in his chest. When was the last time that Steve had visited him in the workshop just because Tony was there? When was the last time they had even done anything together, just the two of them? He couldn’t fucking remember. 

“Yeah, he was there just now. He’s gone up to the kitchen”, was all that Tony managed before swallowing compulsively. 

Steve nodded and ran a hand over his sweaty brow. “Okay, thanks, Tony!” 

He turned around to leave when Tony yelled, “Wait!” 

“What is it?” he asked, impatience creeping into his voice. 

“Are you hurt? Did he hurt you? You’re favoring your midsection. Is everything alright?” It had been too obvious to let it slide and with everything happening lately and the injuries Steve had sustained Tony was getting seriously worried. Who knew what Barnes was capable of? Just a minute ago he’d thought he was being held captive and tortured for information, for fuck’s sake! 

“It’s fine, Tony, no big deal. Prolly strained myself a bit during our run. Why d’you always have to suspect Bucky? Give him a chance! At least try! You don’t have to be best friends but would it kill you to be civil?” He shook his head, a look of disappointment on his face. 

Tony felt vaguely nauseous, as if the smoothie was about to make a return. Wouldn’t be the first time, either. “I’m trying, Steve, I’m trying…” he murmured and dropped his head. Then a detail in Steve’s explanation flashed in front of his eyes and his head snapped back up again. “Wait! Did you say you went on a run? With Barnes? Outside?” The last word was more of a screech. 

“Do you think I’m completely stupid?” Steve yelled back angrily. “Of course not! We were running on the track in the basement! God!” 

Relief flooded Tony and he slumped against the backrest. “Shit, sorry, Steve…I just worry…of course you wouldn’t go outside, you’re not a PR nightmare like me…sorry…” He was feeling all shaky and wrong. Too many feelings too fast after each other. And he was still sweaty, too. Fuck, that couldn’t be healthy. 

A second later Steve dropped down next to him. His hand hesitantly covered Tony’s and squeezed it softly. Then it wandered up his neck and started stroking through his hair gently, drawing circles on his scalp. 

“Hey…” Tony murmured and closed his eyes. 

“Hey yourself”, Steve replied in a whisper. “I didn’t mean to yell, sorry.”

“I didn’t think before speaking.” His racing heart was finally calming down but he was still feeling all wrong. This shitty situation was making his head spin and his stomach revolt. 

“No, I’m sorry, really. I keep forgetting that you don’t know Bucky. You don’t know what he used to be like so you can’t understand me, of course not. He’s a stranger to you and he seems so confused, I get where you’re coming from. But you gotta trust me on this one, Tony. He’s saved my scrawny ass countless times and now it’s my time to save him and I know I can do it – but I need you with me. I can’t do this alone.” 

Steve kissed Tony’s temple and Tony briefly considered asking Steve if he wanted to join him in the shower. It had been way too long since they’d had some real time to themselves, but Tony knew that this moment wasn’t the right one. Steve genuinely cared about Bucky and Tony was being a dick on purpose. It wasn’t right and now Tony felt guilty. He seriously didn’t deserve Steve. 

Fuck, his life sucked. 

Tony straightened up and placed a hand on Steve’s arm. Befuddled, Steve lowered his hand and stopped touching Tony. Goddammit, he hated being responsible sometimes. 

“You should go take a look at Bucky. I think he might have been having a flashback of sorts…he might be glad to see a familiar face. Go comfort him, Steve. I’m with you, I support you, it’s all good.” 

The shift in Steve’s mood was immediate. He was up in a second and gave Tony a curt nod. His face was shrouded in worry.   
“Thanks for telling me! See you later!” And he was out the door. 

Tony felt like puking his guts out and then performing a lobotomy on himself just to see if he could. 

“I really must advise you against that, sir, seeing as it would pose an immediate and serious health risk”, JARVIS interjected that particular train of thoughts. 

“You suck the happiness right out of me, J!” Tony complained in a whiny voice. Then his gaze trailed down his shirt and stopped at the stained mess that had used to be his smoothie. Fuck. Shower it was. He opted for simply using the one in the workshop, less trouble. 

As the hot spray hit his sore but mostly healed body, JARVIS spoke up again.   
“Sir, I am happy to inform you that Agent Barton has finished his mission and is on his way back. He is expected back at the Tower around breakfast tomorrow.” 

Finally some fucking good news! 

Tony allowed himself a small smile as he shampooed his hair. 

“Thanks for the good news, J. Make sure we got Barton’s favorite breakfast food when he gets here.” 

“Certainly, sir”, JARVIS replied, sounding content. 

“Am I being a responsible adult?” Tony asked while rinsing out the shampoo. JARVIS’ voice was adjusted perfectly so that he could understand him just fine over the noise of the running water. 

“Alarmingly so, yes. I am starting to get worried, sir. Are you feeling quite alright? This is not the beginning of your midlife-crisis, is it?” came the sarcastic reply. Haha. JARVIS the sass-master. 

“Ah, shut it, J. Y’know what, call up Pepper. She at least takes me seriously!” 

The phone rang twice before Pepper answered. 

“What is it, Tony, are you alright? Wait…are you calling me from the shower again?” she asked, voice sounding a tad shrill. 

“You act like that’s the most scandalous thing I’ve ever done to you…” Tony grumbled. “I’m just showering, for fuck’s sake!”

“It’s still weird, Tony! Normal people don’t have phone calls while they’re in the shower!” 

Tony snorted and got out of the shower. “Please. You know I’m not normal people.” 

He remembered to grab a fresh towel and not the oily rag that he’d thrown into the sink a couple hours earlier. Yay. 

“Point”, Pepper replied. “So, what can I do for you? Did you have a nice bonding session with your team?” 

Ah, shit. Right. The whole cancelled date-thing, he’d forgotten all about that. Urgh. Well, it was time he came clean anyway. Might as well tell her about all the lies. 

“Pep, I gotta tell you something…”

“Is it bad? Oh God, Tony, how bad is it? You’re not dying again, are you?” Pepper was frantic now. Brilliant. 

Tony put on some clean-ish workshop clothes and got himself a cup of coffee. Then he sat down at his desk and started spinning in his chair. 

“Why do you people always assume I’m dying?” he sighed. “Seriously, it was just once and I told you, eventually. No need to keep reminding me, I’m fine and I’m over it. You should be, too.”

Pepper scoffed audibly and Tony just knew that she was about to start a rant. And as thrilling as getting completely bashed by his CEO was, he had more pressing matters right now. Like Steve. And the whole Bucky situation. 

“But that’s not why I’m calling. I promise I’m not dying, though. It’s Steve.” 

“Steve is dying?” Pepper yelled and Tony grimaced. Right. Wording. Wording was important. 

“No, no, no, sorry, I phrased that wrong, he’s not, no one’s dying, we’re all good, Steve is up and going on runs already…no it’s…I’m worried. About him. And about our relationship. Cause, like, I did something stupid, only at the time I did it I thought it was clever and Steve would like it and he did but now I’m…like…I think he doesn’t like me anymore, or maybe I’m just not that interesting or something, cause he doesn’t spend time with me anymore and at first I thought I’d understand, really, because of course it’s different now with Bucky, but still-“

“Tony. Why don’t you pretend to be a normal person for once and start at the beginning?” Pepper sighed in exasperation. “I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about.” 

“Right. Yeah. Starting at the beginning. I can do that. Okay.” So Tony retold the story of how he got Bucky to come with him, only this time he told an even more abbreviated version than the one he’d told to Natasha. 

“Tony, who-“ Pepper tried to interject, but Tony wasn’t finished yet. 

“But ever since he’s been here it’s like, Bucky, Bucky, Bucky! He’s the only thing Steve thinks about! And the dude’s creepy, like, he’s got some serious issues. Just now he walked into the workshop, started screaming and then asked me where he was! And then Steve comes and we, like, cuddle, but then I tell him about Bucky and off he goes!” 

“Tony-“

“But I don’t think we can help him, at least not alone. He’s seriously messed up, y’know, there’s some amnesia shit going on and I don’t…that’s just not my area of expertise. And I told Steve as much, said we couldn’t fix Bucky, but he just…he yelled at me, Pep, and said that” Tony swallowed. This wasn’t a nice memory to share. “he said that Bucky’s not a machine and that people don’t need to be fixed. And that…I don’t understand shit about people and should stop being jealous. Is this me being jealous, Pep? I’m not jealous. I’m just concerned. Steve’s not fine and Bucky here is making everything worse. Why did I come up with that fucked up plan and brought him here? Bruce is not talking to me anymore because I did, y’know…fucking Bucky…”

There was silence on the line and for a moment Tony thought that Pepper had simply let him rant while she was doing something more important. But then he could make out her labored breathing. He sipped at his coffee and waited. 

“Tony”, Pepper finally said, voice strained, “Who the fuck is Bucky?” 

Oh. Yeah, right. He hadn’t told her anything back in DC, not really. And not everyone was a huge Captain America dork such as himself. Normal people probably didn’t know about dead – or, well, not so dead after all - superheroes’ friends, right. 

“He’s Steve’s best friend from before the war. HYDRA captured him during a raid, screwed with his brain and trained him to be an assassin. Oh, and they pumped him up with some serum-stuff cause the dude hasn’t aged a day. Now he’s equal parts lethal and completely mental. And amnesiac and constantly confused, but with violent tendencies.” Tony’s voice had turned flat and a light tremble had taken hold of his hands again. He took a deep breath and counted to five before exhaling. 

“And that former soldier, now assassin, is living with you guys now?” 

Another deep breath. “Yeah. There’s a faint possibility that I didn’t think this one through…” 

“Oh, Tony! And he’s the reason I couldn’t visit on Sunday? Because he’s too unstable?”

Tony made a low noise of agreement. He’d stopped spinning in his chair and felt strangely drained from the conversation. 

“Who knows about him being there?”   
Urgh. Why did Pepper have to keep addressing one problem after another? 

“Not…many people. Nat and Steve, obviously. Sam, Steve’s buddy who helped me back in DC. Bruce, who’s now ignoring me. Happy, who promised not to tell and Clint, but he’s not back at the Tower yet. I didn’t wanna tell Rhodey, cause then he’d be in a bad position. I don’t want him lying for me anymore. And I didn’t wanna make you worry, sorry, Pep.” 

Tony felt utterly drained, as if someone had drugged his coffee. He stumbled over to the couch and curled up on it. Dummy whirred over to him and draped a blanket over his body. The gesture of affection made something in his chest swell and he patted the robot. 

“You didn’t tell Maria?” 

“…who?” Tony thought for a second. “What, Hill? Fuck, no! She’d confiscate the poor guy and prolly command her crazy scientists to vivisect him of something. Nope. Not gonna risk that. Not gonna risk Steve’s eternal wrath, either.” 

Pepper hummed in agreement. “I can understand that. But I think you’re right. Bucky needs a trained psychologist to help him.”

“I’m not suggesting it again. I like it when Steve’s talking to me…” 

“And I get that, I really do. God, you’re really being a responsible adult for once, it’s terrifying. But you can’t go on like this, you’re suffering, Tony. Maybe you can contact Sam and the both of you can try to talk sense into Steve? You don’t always have to do everything by yourself, no one expects that from you.” 

“Yeah, yeah, there’s no ‘I’ in team and all that jazz…” He knew that she was, right, of course, but asking other people for help and risking to appear weak? Big no-no. Stark men are made of iron. 

Pepper just sighed. 

“Okay, okay, I’ll consider it! Thanks for listening, Pep.” 

“Always.” There was a smile in her voice and Tony could imagine her freckled face lit up. “Will that be all, Mr. Stark?”

He grinned. “That will be all, Miss Potts."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...Clint's coming back! How's Bucky gonna react? And what about Nat? 
> 
> There's also still the whole SHIELD-situation to take care of...Tony's gonna be busy.


	14. Coming Apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so, so sorry for the horribly long hiatus! 
> 
> I'm working on my thesis right now and I met a guy and a ton of real-life stuff happened. Sorry! 
> 
> But I have not abandoned this fic, so here is the next chapters. It's not happy. I'm not sorry. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Tony slept fitfully and woke up cranky and aching. It had been a lot like that lately, he could only catch a few hours of sleep before he woke, even more wretched and skittish than before. Sleep didn’t do anything to appease the lingering exhaustion, it contributed to it and made damn sure that Tony was a shaky, emotional wreck mere seconds away from a breakdown at any given time of the day.

He sat up and cradled his head in his hands. There was a mean headache pounding beneath his temples and a gnawing feeling in his stomach that could mean anything from nausea to hunger.

“When was the last time I ate?” Tony murmured into the dimly lit workshop. JARVIS kept the brightness down so that Tony’s eyes could adjust. He was ever so grateful.

“You had a smoothie yesterday, sir. And while I and the general populace may be sure that does not count as eating, you have stated several times that you are of a different opinion. Are you hungry? Do you wish for me to order some solid food which could actually serve to nourish you?”

Right, the green smoothie that Steve’s favorite head case had sent sprawling all over his shirt.

“What time is it? Barton already here?”

“Why, thank you for answering my question, sir.” JARVIS’ sarcasm was dripping. “It is 5:17 am, Agent Barton is expected to return to the premises in 1:52 hours, sir.”

“Just have some breakfast ready by the time he arrives. I’m gonna eat with birdbrain. He shown any kinda reaction to our newest resident?” Tony had JARVIS give Clint a brief overview of the events that had taken place while he had been employed on his mission. Warning the guy seemed only fair, seeing as he’d have to live with batshit Bucky from now on.

Tony had fully awoken now and pulled up a hologram displaying the most important news JARVIS had compiled for him. Still nothing about Bucky or Tony’s involvement with SHIELD, though, lucky him.

“Agent Barton has read the information you sent him, sir. And while he did not proclaim his enthusiasm, he is still on speaking terms with you, so I have concluded he does in fact not mind sharing a living space with Sergeant Barnes too much. Where do you wish breakfast to be prepared?” Oh yay, nice jab at Bruce not talking to him there, J, much appreciated. His AI was a jerk.

„Up in my kitchen, birdbrain likes the view from the penthouse and I’d prefer not being interrupted by any crazy psycho killers“ Tony sighed heavily.

There was a short pause before JARVIS answered. „Does this refer to Sergeant Barnes only or does this description which quite frankly is lacking in detail extend to Agent Romanoff? And possibly other occupants of the Tower? I am just asking to ensure I do not accidentally grant access to the wrong person, sir.“

Fuck, he was getting too old for this kinda bullshit fucking around. He groaned while absently reviewing and fixing he newest SI designs R&D had forwarded to him. „Just block it for everyone but me and Barton. Make especially sure Barnes doesn't get in. I couldn't handle the poor bastard right now.“

With that Tony went over to the kitchenette that he’d installed in a fit of genius - haha - and fixed himself a cup of coffee while nibbling at a piece of stale donut. Yeah, a real breakfast was starting to sound real nice. There was a short beep and when he looked down, his cup was filled to the brim with coffee. Tony grabbed it with one hand and strode over to his desk. The bots had cleaned up the mess he’d made the day before, he noted. Now Dummy; Butterfingers and U were silently standing in their charging stations. With the still slightly dimmed light and only the faint mechanical whirring sound in the background the workshop had an oddly serene atmosphere.

Tony took a sip of his coffee, closed his eyes and sighed. This was his sanctuary, his space, and he’d be damned if he let anyone intrude and disturb the only room where he could spend some quality me-time.  
„JARVIS?“

„Yes, sir? How else can I be of assistance?“

„Make sure no one enters the workshop. Like, ever again. Don’t let anyone in before telling me, yeah? And pull up all the information on the layoff.“

„Might I inquire as to why you propose such drastic measures? Are you feeling alright, sir?“ JARVIS opened the files and Tony started flicking through the holograms for what felt like the thousandth time. There had to be another option, something he kept missing. It couldn't just end like that, SI wasn't that kinda company. Maybe he could hire them as cleaning staff? No, wait, most of them were engineers or accountants, they wouldn't want a job in cleaning, not to mention that they’d probably suck at it. Shit, Steve was right, people were complicated. He couldn't deal with having to decide the fate of so many people. Hell, he couldn't even take care of Steve and Barnes!

„Nah, not really, pal. It looks like this time I’m really in over my head. Strange of me to admit it, yeah, but I just dunno what to do. I should just forcefully admit Barnes to a psych ward, but then Steve would be pissed and Hill would be pissed and if word got out all trust in the Avengers and SI’d be broken and even more people’d be out of a job. But if I don't do anything, he might just kill someone during a flashback or commit suicide or whatever. I can’t have visitors over anymore and Steve cares about nothing but Bucky. For now it works, yeah, but that’s only cause SHIELD’s in shambles. As soon as the Avengers are operating again, Steve simply won’t have the time to waste hours on the headcase. For now it’s all fine and dandy, but for how long? The situation is fucked up and I got no fucking clue what to do about it. I want a drink, I need one, but I’m scared, J. I dunno what I could do if I got drunk right now. I might do…something bad.“  

  
He trailed off and gazed into his coffee cup unseeingly. Shit, a drink would make everything so much more bearable. What a pathetic thought. Fuck, he really was a fucking mess. Disgusting. It was no wonder that Steve was fed up with him. It wasn't like Tony was an easy person to get along with in the first place, not many people genuinely liked him. Hell, Tony didn't even like himself, he got it all too well. He could be glad Steve had put up with his shit for that long, he could be happy that anyone still tolerated his bullshit at all. Steve had tried but in the end Tony was just too much. He’d known, of course, right when that thing of theirs had started. He was Tony Stark - a perfect human like Steve wouldn't seriously fall in love with him. No one in their right mind would. He should just end it with Steve, officially, so that Steve didn't have to. Most likely he didn't wanna hurt Tony cause that was just the kinda genuinely nice person that Steve was and that was why he hadn't finished things already. That was nice and considerate of him, but Tony didn't need his pity. He’d make a clean cut so that Steve could focus all his energy on Barnes and maybe finally become happy. If the psycho soldier’s mere presence could accomplish what Tony hadn't been able to over months of them being in a relationship then so be it. Most of all, he just wanted Steve to be happy. Tony had accepted that happiness wasn't for him and that was alright, but Steve and Pepper deserved to be happy. And so did Barnes, of course, he couldn't be blamed for killing Howard and Maria, he’d been even more brainwashed than now when it had happened and really, was it such a loss? They hadn't been much of a real family anyway. True, his mother probably hadn't deserved it, but she had been slowly killing herself anyway, an accidental suicide by overdose had been imminent. 

Fuck, what a fucking joke, his life had been fucked up right from the start. How was he even still alive?

„Do you want me to notify someone, sir? Your therapist, Colonel Rhodes or Mr. Wilson maybe? Agent Barton will also arrive shortly. The maids are just arranging breakfast, sir.“  
JARVIS’ British lilt shook Tony out of his melancholy reverie and took him back to the present. How long had he been out of it? Fuck.

Right. Clint was returning from his mission. He needed to properly brief him on Barnes. And maybe on how friendly Nat was with the headcase. Was that an information birdbrain needed? Where the two of them even still dating? Things had been pretty frosty for a while now, even someone as non-empathetic as Tony had gathered that much.  
He should offer to listen to Clint maybe. Clint seemed like the kinda guy who’d appreciate someone listening to him. Tony just wasn't especially keen on listening. To anyone ever. But he supposed it’d be like the decent thing to do.

And after that he’d dump Steve. It was only right. Then Steve wouldn't have to do it and could finally be happy. Yeah. And Tony…yeah, well, he could concentrate on making better equipment for the Avengers. And getting SHIELD back on track. And producing 30.000 jobs out of thin air. And after that he could just go out in a blast in some final heroic gesture and no one would have to worry about hurting his feelings anymore and he wouldn't be able to hurt anyone anymore either.

Thinking about it made him feel as if the Other Guy was sitting on his chest and he had to swallow several times. He was trembling again and there was a glowy, unnatural look to his workshop. Everything seemed brighter than usual.  
Suddenly there were tears clouding his vision. He brushed them away angrily and got up - the room only swayed for like, a second.

„Do I look presentable?“ Tony asked, his voice sounding strained even to his own ears.

There was a pregnant pause before JARVIS answered.  
„I am quite sure that Agent Barton will not in fact care about your appearance, sir. Still I suggest that you at least change your shirt. I also advice you do it quickly, Agent Barton is approaching the landing pad as we speak.“

Ah, damn. Now Clint was here and Tony was a fucking mess again. No shirt in the world could hide that. Fuck it all.

He walked over to the elevator and rode up to his penthouse. There he went straight over to his dressing room with the obscenely large wardrobe - he had several, the one in his bedroom was stocked with essentials only - and rummaged through it until he found an SI-hoodie, the logo plastered all over the front. There were several different types of Avengers-hoodies in his wardrobe as well, but he wasn't really feeling them at the moment. Stark Industries was safe and familiar and no one there expected him to be a superhero.

Sometimes he missed his old life.

Tony avoided looking in the mirror and stepped out of the room. The delicious smell of freshly made pancakes, eggs, bread and other breakfast goodies hit him and his stomach growled loudly. Fuck, it really was time for some solid food.

„Send Barton down to my floor, J.“ He didn't have the energy to walk up to the roof. It was cold and windy outside and people could see him. Tony didn't want to be seen right now.

„Right away, sir.“

A few seconds later the elevator doors opened and out stepped a clearly battered and bruised Clint. His left eye was swollen shut and he was limping. He also looked exhausted as fuck and about ready to drop. Even so the first words out of his mouth upon seeing Tony were „Fuck man, you look like shit!“

„Welcome back to you too, Legolas. I made breakfast. Or like, y’know, I had J order breakfast, but it’s the thought that counts, right? And it’s not like you’d have eaten my breakfast anyway and I can’t blame you, my cooking’s fucking awful, I don't even eat my breakfast. So, uh, you hungry?“ Tony babbled while fidgeting under Clint’s incredulous (worried?) stare. „Awesome, let’s go to the kitchen!“

He led the way, feeling all sorts of nervous and nauseous and out of it and anxious and just plain wrong. Fuck, he didn't wanna have to explain himself to Clint. One more person to suffer under his fucked up decision.

„Stark, man, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong?“ Clint asked quietly, seriously, when they were seated at the huge table that displayed just about every breakfast food known to man.

Tony had just begun eating waffles with cream and fruits. Damn, real food sure was amazing.  
At Clint’s words he looked up, baffled.  
„You did read the mail JARVIS sent you, yes?“

Clint chewed on a piece of pancake and nodded.  
„Yeah, and I’m not exactly thrilled. But I mean, damn, dude was brainwashed and everything, and if Cap vouches for him. I mean, I’m, uh, all for second chances and all that shit.“ He grew quiet before softly adding „After all you guys gave me a second chance after I caused Phil’s death, so what can I say, really? I’m not in a position to complain or anything.“

Oh shit, now he’d made Clint feel guilty, too. What the fuck was wrong with him? Why’d he have to be such a fantastic screw-up?

„I’m sorry“, Tony murmured. Fuck, it was so unlike him to apologize for anything but he felt as if lately that had been all he had been doing.

His unusual behavior seemed to freak Clint out even more. „Dude, what’s going on with you? Why are you apologizing? None of this shit is your fault, in fact not every fucking thing is your fault. What the fuck happened while I was gone? Did you fight with Steve or something?“

The Hulk was pounding on his chest with both fists now and Tony was having trouble catching a breath. He couldn't fall apart in front of Clint, he had to tell him all about Steve and Barnes and Nat and Hill and everything and how he’d managed to make Bruce cut off contact with him. He had to be fucking okay for only a few more minutes, he could do this, he was great at faking. Everything about him had been a lie, always, there was no use in being his true self now. Especially because his true self was weak and pathetic and pitiful and sucked.

„I’m sorry. I think he likes Nat and she kinda likes him back. They’re spending time together. I’m really sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen. He’s a freak and dangerous and unstable and I know she can defend herself but I don't know what’s going on between the two of you and I’m sorry if I destroyed your relationship, I didn't even think something like this could happen, Steve was right, I know shit about people, fuck, why did I even take the psycho in, he needs help and I can’t help him, I can’t even help Steve and Steve can’t help him either and he doesn't even see that he needs help and I just wish I could take it back but I can’t and so fucking apologizing is really all I can do, which is fucking pathetic, I’m a genius, I should have a solution, I discovered a new element, but I’ve got no fucking clue when it comes to people and so I’m just, I’m just fucking sorry and that’s it.“  
Fuck, why was he even up? He could just be asleep. He should be asleep. At least when he was sleeping he couldn't fuck things up. Except it didn't exactly solve anything either.

Clint had his eyebrows drawn together. He had stopped eating and was staring at Tony. It was making him uncomfortable to say the least.

„Tony. Shit, man, you’re not alright.“

Tony’s heart seized up in his chest. „Did you even listen to a single thing I just said? I think your girlfriend’s with the psycho who I brought to our home!“

Clint just nodded slowly. „I heard you. And dude, I say some pretty nasty things about myself sometimes, I know how it is. But this? Some self-deprecating commentary’s cute, but you’re really not being fair to yourself. Sure, at first I also thought you were some smug, self-serving, filthy rich bastard, but none of us think that anymore. You’re a good guy, Tony, you don’t have to be so hard on yourself. Really, man, it’s unhealthy and worrying. You ever talk to a SHIELD shrink or someone? Cause thinking like that it dangerous, trust me, I know.“

Now even birdbrain was being all nice and understanding and worried about him and shit. Tony was at a loss. He was completely overwhelmed. He hadn't meant to say all that. He’d lost himself in his rant, like ever so often, and he’d said too much.

Tony fixed his eyes on his plate and wished for the call to assemble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so, you can expect regular updates again from now on.


	15. Taking Charge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I am sorry about the last chapter. I didn't realize how dark it was till way after I posted it. I like me some angst, but last chapter was excessive...  
> This one isn't as bad, I promise. It's also getting plot-y again! 
> 
> Enjoy!

Tony sighed gravely and ran a hand over his eyes. He had fucked up royally. 

 

„Fuck, shit, I shoulda slept more. Now you’re freaking out, too. Everyone’s fucking freaking out in this madhouse of a Tower lately. I guess sometimes shit gets too much even for me.“ 

 

He met Clint’s eyes again that were watching him apprehensively. Or rather the one eye that was. Fuck. 

 

„You’re fucking injured, you idiot! And I didn't say anything! Shit! How are you feeling anyway? How’d the mission go? Okay, yeah, I know it was a success, I already read the report, but there was nothing about any injuries in there. Just because SHIELD is temporarily down doesn't mean you don't have to see a doctor anymore! JARVIS, call Dr. Gupta and tell him to come to the Tower. Don’t fight me on this, Clint!“ Tony put down his fork and scowled at Clint. Awesome, he’d been too distracted wallowing in self-pity to realize that his teammate and friend was seriously injured. One day this inattentiveness of his would cost someone their life! 

 

„But sir-“ JARVIS started, but was cut off by Tony. 

 

„Not you, too, J. Just do it.“ 

 

„Sir, I must really advice you-“ What the fuck was up with that? 

 

„JARVIS, call the guy.“

 

 

„Didn’t you get a medical degree, Tony?“ Clint asked, a slightly mocking grin on his face. The exchange didn't seem to have bothered him. Tony felt color rising to his cheeks at the question. Oh, the little shit was right! Still, there was a difference in having a medical degree on paper and being able to actually practice medicine on living, breathing humans. He’d continue working with machines, thank you very much. They at least didn't flinch or scream when he did something wrong. 

 

Clint laughed at Tony’s baffled expression. „It’s alright, really. I’ve had worse. But I’ll see your doctor, don't loose your shit“, he added as if to calm Tony. Which was ridiculous. Tony didn't need calming, he was totally chill, not agitated at all, not anxious either, he was in complete control. He was also very, very hungry.

 

„Okay. Right after breakfast, though. I’m gonna have J keep an eye on you, you’re not getting out of this“, he threatened and shoveled a heap of fried eggs onto his plate. This really was a damn good breakfast. 

 

„Fuck, when did yo get all responsible? I mean, I know you’re acting team leader in Steve’s absence-“

 

„I’m WHAT now?“ Tony nearly choked on his coffee. He cleared his throat noisily. „Care to repeat that?!“

 

Now it was Clint’s turn to look baffled. He raised his shoulders in a shrug, a placating expression on his face. „Dude, I thought you knew. You’re Steve’s second-in-command, so with him out of the equation that makes you Avengers leader. Kinda obvious, isn't it? You seriously didn't know?“ 

 

The eggs Tony had continued eating mechanically suddenly lost all taste and felt like gum he’d been chewing for several hours. He swallowed convulsively. 

„But why me? Fury couldn't have authorized that, he-“ Tony interrupted himself. It had been Fury who’d sent him the horrible video that had started all this shit, hadn't it? And he’d sent it to Tony, not to Nat or Bruce or Clint - he probably couldn't have sent it to Thor even if he had wanted to, but still. 

 

Tony groaned and put his fork down once again. „Can I pass the position up or nominate someone, uh, better suited for the task instead?“

 

„Ah, I dunno man, seems to me as if you’ve been doing a good job so far. Everyone’s still alive and no one knows about the Winter Soldier. I’d even go as far as saying this is your calling, dude.“

 

Everyone’s still alive. The sentence sent a stab through Tony and he bit the inside of his mouth. 

 

Clint, perceptive sharpshooter that he was - even with only one functioning eye apparently - caught the movement and shoved his plate away. 

 

„Okay, serious talk time now, what the fuck is going on with you? I’m getting worried about you Stark, and I’m not one to worry. Where is everyone? Why are you the one welcoming me? I mean, don't get me wrong, man, this is a great breakfast and all, but it’s past 7 - Nat and Steve must be up, why aren't they joining us? And why do you look as if you haven't slept in weeks and someone murdered your puppy or something? The last time you were that fucked up was when your arm was broken and you were mostly just fucking wasted back then. Wait - you’re not on anything, right?“ A note of anger crept into Clint’s concerned voice and Tony felt something cold trickle down his chest. It was as if someone had punched him in the gut and cut off every source of air. The pressure on his chest was increasing and all he wanted to do was curl up into a ball on the floor and weep. And then he wanted Steve to come, hold him and tell him it would all be okay. 

 

A harsh, bitter laugh escaped his lips. „I wish, birdbrain. Haven't even had a drink in days.“

 

If possible Clint grew even more concerned at that confession. And if that wasn't fucked up, Tony didn't know what was. 

 

„You’re wrong. I’m not a good team leader. I’m not even a passable team leader. I mean, hell, look at us, I’m not sure we’re even still a fucking team!“ he exclaimed and he couldn't stop now, he’d have to tell Clint everything now, fuck, he didn't want that, but he deserved to know and Tony needed someone to talk to. Shit. 

„Thor is just gone, Bruce is giving me the silent treatment and has dropped off the radar which is entirely my fault, Nat is in a weird mood and can’t leave the Tower because of fucking HYDRA and Steve…shit, Clint, I’m so worried about Steve. He…Fury sent me a video. Steve was on that Helicarrier when the HYDRA shit went down. He was on the one that blew up. Fighting the fucking Winter Soldier and being all heroic and stopping HYDRA’s evil masterplan and everything. He wanted to be on that one. The one he’d know would blow up. He…“ Tony had to take a calming breath. Tears had started to gather behind his eyelids and he closed his eyes, breathed deeply and willed them away. No more fucking crying! 

 

Apparently Clint didn't need him to continue speaking. Thank fuck. „Whoa man, that…I had no idea. Steve, really? Shit…“ 

 

Nodding was all Tony could manage. 

 

„JARVIS told me how you found the Winter Soldier and brought him here. That was for Steve?“ 

 

Tony hummed in agreement. „And ever since then Steve’s only cared about Barnes. He won’t talk about what happened and he’s refusing to see his therapist. He’s even refusing letting Barnes see a shrink and damn, that guy is messed up good, I’m a fucking walk in the park compared to that nutcase! And Steve, he’s…it’s as if he’s manic or something! It’s like Barnes is his new pet project and once he realizes that he can’t fi-help the guy, Steve’s gonna crash badly. I mean, shit, I knew it wasn't all rainbows and sunshine for Steve, but I had no idea he was that fucking unhappy…“ he trailed off and, unable to look at Clint any longer, poured himself another cup of coffee. Anything to keep himself occupied. 

 

Shit, if Howard could see him right now. Steve had been rescued and was supposed to be safe now, back at home and surrounded by people who cared about him, and still Tony was losing him. He was a stupid fuck-up if there’d ever been one, his father had been fucking right! And now he was whining to a guy who'd grown up in a traveling circus and had since then become a mercenary and a spy. Right. He was fucking pathetic. Stark men are made of iron, hah. 

 

„Fuck, I shouldn't have ranted, my brain just kinda shut off, happens sometimes, sorry. It’s not like I expect you to have some magical solution or anything, ’s all good, I’m gonna find a way to make him see sense, that’s my thing, right? Besides, the fucker’s survived a war on the front line, he won’t go down this easily. Don't worry about all this, seriously.“ 

 

Better. He was - apparently - acting team leader. No sense in making Clint feel as if Tony was a complete basket case as well. Hadn't Hawkeye himself been kinda down lately? 

 

„Hey, no, it’s fine. I mean, uh, thanks for sharing, really. ’specially about Steve, that’s…just something I should know if I, uh, speak to him or something. And I’m gonna help you with Barnes. We might be a team of fucking misfits, but as far as I know, we’re still a team and I care for my team, so there’s that. Don’t talk like it’s all already over, you’re a…what did you call it again? Futurist? Yeah, that one, so, uh, don’t give up on the Initiative just yet is what I want to say, I guess“, Clint murmured and Tony was struck with how bizarre the situation was. Here he was in his Tower at like 8 am, way too early in the morning, just casually having breakfast with Hawkeye and doing some serious feelings talk. 

 

Ah shit. Apart from the Avengers there was still his little SI problem. 

 

„Hey birdbrain, you got any brilliant ideas on how to save 30,000 jobs?“ 

 

Clint’s eye grew wide and he stared at Tony as if he’d gone completely mad. Tony just shrugged. 

 

„Cause like, Pepper said they can’t work for SI anymore, but damn, that’d be some really bad press, not to forget that’d mean 30,000 people out of a job and fuck it all, but I promised that no one’d lose their job over SI’s change of direction from weapons to clean energy and I’d have to go back on my word and it’s not their fault either, they did good work, it’s mostly fucking HYDRA’s fault, but now it’s on me to find a solution and I can’t think of anything“

 

„And you think I can?“ Clint asked, incredulous. „You are aware that I didn't even finish high school, right?“ 

 

Tony just shrugged again, a little lost. „So? That doesn't mean a thing, it’s not like you’re stupid or anything, you were just a, uh, victim of your circumstances or something. Anyway! What could the Avengers need 30,000 engineers and office workers for? They can’t fight or anything and I doubt they’d like to be the new cleaning staff…“ 

 

It always helped Tony to voice his thoughts aloud, even if no one answered. It was even better to get some sort of response, even ore so who it was from an outsider’s perspective. Most people didn't think he’d value their input, though, or they felt just plain intimidated, keeping them from speaking up in his presence. So it came as a pleasant surprise when Clint actually answered. 

 

„I dunno, man, but if they’re engineers, why don’t they build something for the Avengers? Like, I know we’ve already got staff for that, but maybe for some kinda big project you’ve been working on?“

 

Tony’s brain sprang into action immediately. „JARVIS, did you get this? Make a recording of this conversation for me to access later.“ 

 

„Yes, sir.“

 

„Awesome. Okay, Clint, yeah, that could work. So I could pay them as part of me financing the Avengers as a personal project. They wouldn't be affiliated with SI, so the shareholders wouldn't have to worry, but I’d look good as the one who saved them. Well, and they wouldn't be unemployed, I guess. Great, now I only need a project they can work on, something big. I mean, I’ve got warehouses all over the country, and I can use old SHIELD bases, they’re deserted now anyway…“ Tony tapped the reactor and leaned back with his chair until it reached the tipping point. 

 

„Did my random thoughts really just help you?“ Clint asked, sounding slightly awed. 

 

Tony’s eyes focused on Clint at the other side of the table and he leaned back forward. Then he jumped up altogether and started pacing the spacious kitchen. 

 

„Yeah, you did, thanks for that, sometimes it’s nice to get some actual suggestions, I mean, sure, I’m a genius, but even I need some creative input now and then. I’ll make sure you get a nice new bow or something. So now for the project…“ 

 

He stopped in his tracks, eyes widened. It was a stupid idea. Surely no one would agree. And it wouldn't work, either. But then again it was pretty much the only thing that screamed Tony Stark. If he wanted to convince people that the workers weren't secretly doing work for SI, it was probably the best, boldest move he could make.And it’d keep them occupied. There were so many great engineers, maybe they could even make improvements. Yeah, the longer he thought about it, the better it sounded. 

 

„Hey, Merida, what do you think about an army of Iron Man suits? Like, mass producing certain suits, maybe downgraded versions of the originals, to send them out into the field as support? It’d be a lot of work, it would help us, people would think of Iron Man and not StarkIndustries when they’d see them and we wouldn't have to use as many SHIELD agents in the field, so less injuries to worry about. Does that sound like a good idea to you or is it completely over the top megalomaniac shit like this that makes you question my sanity?“ He huffed out a completely sane-sounding laugh and leaned against the wall, all nervous energy suddenly used up. „I mean, it was kinda your idea, in a sense…“

 

At the table, Clint, who was still sitting in his chair, rose an eyebrow, a look of confused amazement on his face. Tony wanted to take a picture of the expression and post it all over twitter and facebook, it was hilarious. 

 

„I say you should use them for Avengers stuff and a minute later you’ve got this fully formed plan? How did you get from my randomly thrown in comment to this in like, a minute? No shit, Stark, sometimes I actually remember that you’re a genius.“ He sounded sincere , but not pissed off. In fact there was a hint of a smile on his face when he motioned to the chair opposite him. 

„It’s a good idea, don't look at me like you’re expecting some horrible judgement or anything. It sounds awesome. Not fully thought through, but maybe that’s easier on like, a full stomach or something. Sit back down and talk to your computer, you know you want to.“

 

God, Clint was right! Now that the thought had manifested in his head, Tony couldn't switch off his brain, it was going into overdrive. This could work, this could really fucking work once they got past all the legal stuff and shit! Holy fuck, things were actually starting to look up again! 

 

Tony skipped the few steps over to the seat and dropped down in it. 

 

„J, did you get all that?“

 

„Certainly, sir“, JARVIS responded promptly. „I also alerted Dr. Gupta, he is going to arrive within the next ten minutes to examine Agent Barton. Agent Barton, thank you for helping sir with his project, he has spent every waking second worrying about it for the last eight days.“ The AI sounded as sincere as he could and Tony felt his cheeks heat up slightly. He’d made JARVIS worry about his, awesome. 

 

„Shit, I thought you’d forgotten about that part…“ Clint muttered under his breath and gave Tony a toothy, utterly fake grin. „But still, I’m happy to help, always nice to feel useful now and then.“ 

 

The offhanded comment brought Tony out of his ecstasy and made him think back to an instance earlier, when Clint had talked about Coulson. He apparently still blamed himself for the agent’s death even though a year had passed and the dude wasn't even dead anymore. Granted, it hadn't been the best of years, not for any of them, and Tony couldn't begin to understand the relationship of the two agents. He just didn't want Clint to feel guilty, he wanted everyone to be okay, because being not okay felt horrible and was just so exhausting and Clint was his friend so he shouldn't be suffering or if he was Tony should at least not make it worse. 

 

„Sir, as Dr. Gupta is about to enter the premises, I have got to ask. Where should I send him?“ JARVIS cut through his inner ramblings. Tony didn't understand the question. 

 

„Uh, the med bay? That’s usually where we treat injuries, isn't it? Someone hack your mainframe or something?“ He snickered at the last part.

 

„No, sir. Might I just remember you that your floor is the only area in the Tower that is completely secure? Sergeant Barnes might wander into the med bay and I had been of the impression that you wanted to keep his presence as your guest a secret, especially from SHIELD personell. But do correct me if I’m wrong, sir.“ 

 

Shit! Shit, shit, shit! Fucking Barnes! He’d completely forgotten about the madman! And Steve and Nat and all the other problems! He’d just been so happy to have a solution to one of them, but of course it couldn't be that easy. He didn't just have one problem to take care of, the minute he solved one of his problems, the avalanche of neglected issues knocked him in the back and right off his feet. 

How the fuck could he have forgotten that the Tower was on lockdown? 

 

„Why didn't you stop me before, J?“ he ground out , calculating possibilities of Dr. Gupta meeting Sergeant crazypants in his head. 

 

„You didn't let me, sir, I certainly tried.“

 

He hadn’t, had he? Yeah, he’d cut JARVIS off before. Fuck! 

 

Tony was starting to freak out. He didn't want the doctor on his floor, in his sanctuary. This was his space and he didn't want anyone invading it, especially not the person who’d advised him to see a shrink! Dr. Miller was great, but still. And if Dr. Gupta came to his floor, he’d have to talk to him. He really wasn’t in any state - mental and clothes-wise - to entertain guests. 

 

But Clint was injured and the doctor was already there. Tony hated being out of options. The horrible feeling of anxiety pressing down on his chest intensified as he said: „Alright, send him up. And make sure no one, absolutely no one, crosses his path.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...thoughts?  
> Thanks for all your comments on the last chapter!


	16. Seeing the Doctor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life is good! 
> 
> Thanks for your comments and kudos!

Clint and Tony had relocated to the living room so that Dr. Gupta had some space for examining Clint. A homemaker bot Tony had invented one evening in a fit of spite when Steve had asked him to do more chores - hah, in Steve’s dreams, he was Tony Stark, for fuck’s sake, he hadn't done a chore in his life and he wouldn't start after more than 40 years - was cleaning up the leftovers from breakfast. Surprisingly there hadn't been any sounds of crashing or plates breaking yet. Maybe the homemaker prototype was something SI should start mass producing, if it was actually functioning it could be a great help for single parents who abhorred having actual people clean their messes for them. And it was kinda cute. 

Clint was sitting on the large creme colored couch, both legs propped up. He looked close to falling asleep, an image that was even intensified by his eye that was by now completely swollen shut. A blue-purplish coloring was starting to spread all over his face as well, it was not a good look on him. To be fair, it probably wouldn't even have been a good look on Tony and that was saying a lot.   
In all seriousness though, Tony’s current look wasn't a good look on him. ‚More dead than alive‘ certainly wasn't a look to entertain guests, especially not of the physician kind. Dr. Gupta was a real decent guy, sure, but he was also a doctor and didn't take any shit. Just thinking about being under his scrutiny sent Tony’s anxiety levels through the roof and there was really only so much he could take. His maximum had been reached about three weeks ago.

When the elevator doors opened with a soft ping Tony actually flinched and stopped his pacing. Instead he walked over to the elevator to greet the doctor. 

„Dr. Gupta, pleasure to see you again! Thanks for coming on such a short notice.“ There, that had sounded professional, right? 

Dr. Gupta looked even more exhausted than the last time Tony had seen him. He was pale and seemed stressed, still there was a gentle smile on his face as he shook Tony’s hand.   
„Of course, Mr. Stark. You’re my employer now, as I found out just days ago. Besides, Agent Barton is injured and it’s not like there’s a whole lot of work for me at the moment.“ 

Right, HYDRA. The NYC headquarters had been emptied as well, so the good doctor probably didn't have a practice right now. Things couldn't stay like this. Tony had to meet up with Hill again. 

„Yeah, still…it’s pretty early and everything, but you were the first who popped into my head.“ Tony started walking to the living room and motioned for Dr. Gupta to follow him. 

„And to think that just a year ago you wanted to sue me…“ the doctor said with a grin. Tony had a feeling that he’d never live that one down. It had been a dick move, though, so it was totally Dr. Gupta’s call. 

In the living room Clint had sat up and was visibly trying to look alert and put together. He wasn't doing too great a job. 

„Agent Barton, I presume?“ Dr. Gupta asked and put his doctor’s kit on the coffee table. 

Clint nodded. „Sir. What is your clearance level?“ 

The doctor showed his SHIELD badge to Clint, who nodded and started recounting his mission and the injuries he’d sustained. 

Tony, who had taken a seat on the couch that was the furthest away from Clint so as not to disturb the doctor, zoned out after the first two sentences. It wasn't that he wasn't interested in Clint’s mission, Clint always went on badass missions, but there were more pressing matters. He could save those 30,000 jobs, he had a plan now! After all this time there was finally an idea that wasn't completely ridiculous and for which he had the resources. He’d have to talk to Pepper first thing after Clint was taken care of and then maybe meet up with her and the board. Oh yeah, he’d totally be able to do that. Fuck. Maybe he could just put the Tower on lockdown or something. Shit. Otherwise he’d have to do it over video chat, wouldn't be the first time. 

„Stark. Hey! Tony! Tony!“ Clint was waving his hand in front of Tony’s face who flinched again. Fuck.   
He then blinked a couple of times. Right. He’d zoned out. He tended to do that when he was working. 

„Yeah, sorry. You all fixed up? I just kept thinking about your idea, sorry.“ He rubbed his eyes and looked Clint over. Yup, he looked all done, more bandages than skin showing. 

„Yeah, doc told me to take some painkillers and go to bed. Seems like a pretty good solution, if you ask me. Oh, hey, d’you want my report now that you’re team leader? Or can I, like, just not turn one in and you won’t say anything? Which would be great, man, just sayin’.“ 

Tony sighed. Was that a thing he had to worry about now, reports? Really? He grimaced.   
„Just send something. Make it brief, include only the necessary parts, or like, only the parts that matter for the Avengers. It’s not like I’m official head of SHIELD or anything.“ A headache was threatening to crush his skull. Maybe he should go outside more often. Or maybe he should rethink some major life choices. Probably the latter. 

„Will do, Tony. See ya!“ With that and a hearty yawn Clint left the room, slapping Dr. Gupta on the back lightly on the way. 

„Good night!“ Tony called after him. Shit. He hadn't wanted Clint to leave like that. Now he was alone with Dr. Gupta and he really didn't have either the time nor the stomach for this. Still, there was nothing he could do and nowhere he could run to.   
He fixed his eyes on the doctor and tried to smile. „Can I get you anything? Coffee? A drink? Water? You can take a seat, too, if you like. I’m not gonna just kick you out, I owe you a favor.“ 

The expression on Dr. Gupta’s face was this horrifying mixture of unreadable and worried again as he sat down on the now unoccupied couch.   
„Some water would be nice, thank you.“ 

Tony nodded, got up and strolled over to the kitchen. The homemaker bot had done a great job, there was no trace of the luxurious breakfast left. He really should start selling an upgraded version, it had potential.   
While he fixed the water and a cup of coffee for himself, Tony’s thoughts were swirling out of control. He could ask Dr. Gupta for advice concerning Steve and his mental state, he could also ask him about Barnes or he could ask about the situation as a whole. There was also the possibility of just doing nothing, but Tony was at the end of his rope and even though he had most likely found a solution for his layoff problem, there was a plethora of more urgent, more pressing issues just under his nose. It was fucking frustrating to say the least, and just downright terror-inducing if he was being honest. 

He grabbed the glass and the cup and walked back to the living room, his hands shaking ever so slightly. By now he had no idea if it was due to anxiety or withdrawal or if it was just his default state. Point in check, he was a fucking mess. 

„Thank you“, Dr. Gupta said and took a big gulp of his water. Tony sat down on a couch facing him and immediately started fiddling with the coffee cup. 

„Oh please, it’s nothing, not after coming here at like 8 in the morning as if you were some delivery guy. I know you’re not, please don't take this the wrong way. It’s just that Bruce - Dr. Banner - is gone and I’d temporarily forgotten that I’ve got a medical degree“, Tony just babbled to calm his nerves. 

The doctor’s eyes shot up at his last statement. „You’ve got a medical degree?“ he asked with a hint of amusement in his voice and Tony chuckled drily. 

„Yeah, got it after the whole broken arm incident, thought it could be helpful.“

„You truly are an exceptional man, Mr. Stark“, Dr. Gupta said and shook his head. „And I don't want you to take my being here the wrong way. I swore an oath, I am required to help patients and it’s what I want to do, it’s my profession. So you don't owe me a thing. If anything, I owe you a favor. You were the one who saved my job, after all, that means a lot.“ He made a pause and fixed Tony with a serious gaze. „Which means that I’ll gladly help you, if there is a problem you need help with. I am a medical professional, so a medical problem would be most fitting to my area of expertise, but if there’s anything else I can help you with, just say it.“

Tony felt his throat closing up and busied himself with his coffee. 

„Pardon my bluntness, but you don’t look good, Mr. Stark. You look exhausted and as if you’ve been under a tremendous amount of stress lately. Are you injured? I could check you over.“

Ah, yes, finally. He’d been waiting for this. Taking a trembling breath, he pried his eyes away from the coffee cup. There was definitely worry in the doctor’s face now. Considering that Tony looked like a half-dead junkie hobo, it was probably warranted. 

„Nah, I’m not injured, just…fuck, I’m not exactly peachy. I’d like to take Steve on a holiday to one of my tropical islands, but no can do, there’s SHIELD and SI and the Avengers and all that. People depending on me and shit. And Steve. He, um“ Tony ran a shaking hand through his curls. His hair was getting way too long. „this is confidential, right?“ 

Dr. Gupta nodded. He had blanched and his face had taken on a serious expression. 

„Alright. So, um, Steve’s suicidal, he was planning to die in the Helicarrier destruction. But he doesn't wanna get help. And that’s kinda, that’s, not, not a good thing to live with, and I just, I dunno what to do, he just closes off every time I mention it and, fuck, sorry…“ Tony wheezed and clenched his hands to fists. Calm, he had to be calm. There was no fucking danger, it was all in his messed up head. 

„It’s alright, you don't have to rush. Take your time, I’ve got nowhere else to be“, Dr. Gupta assured him and although it was a standard shrink sentence, the doctor managed to make it sound as if he actually meant it. 

Tony bit his trembling lip. „I, yeah, sorry. I’ve been working on this with Dr. Miller, but uh, haven't seen her recently cause of all the…stuff.“ He made a vague motion with his hand and Dr. Gupta nodded.   
„So, anyway. Steve would have died, gladly. And that…it’s not like he’s always been this way, y’know? A couple months ago I accused him of wanting to jump off the roof, was a misunderstanding, but still, and he got all serious and said he’d never do that and that I didn't have to worry about shit like that. And he seemed earnest, I mean, he’s Steve. But…but apparently he wasn't or something happened or…I dunno. And now he doesn't want any help, says he doesn't need it and doesn't talk about it or anything…it’s just…I worry about him. I know how fucking hypocritical that sounds, coming from me, but I just…I just want him to be okay. Or, or not, I mean, it’s fine if he’s not okay, just, he should admit it so he can get some help.“

No matter how often he said it, it didn't get easier. Tony felt a stab and a sense of loss in his chest. He missed Steve. His Steve, his strong, kind, sassy, hot team captain. His boyfriend. The person he loved. He wanted Steve to be happy and he wanted to be happy with him. He wanted Steve to be happy and content with Tony. 

Not miserable and manic with Barnes while Tony was slowly burning himself out. 

„Captain Rogers is suicidal? You know this without a doubt?“ Dr. Gupta’s face looked drawn, his voice flat. 

Tony just nodded. 

„His therapist is Dr. Miller?“ 

Another nod. 

„Has she been informed?“

Hesitation. Then Tony shook his head. 

„You should. It’s not telling on Captain Rogers or snitching or anything, it’s an action that could potentially save his life and once he is in a healthier mindset he will see this. I understand that it’s a hard decision to make and that it must have been a big step to even tell me about this, but please don’t beat yourself up about it. This is the way to go, you’ve made the right call. If what you’re saying is correct, Captain Rogers is currently in no mindset to understand your intentions, but once he’s better he’ll see sense, I can promise you that much. Your way of handling this is right, Mr. Stark, and you don’t need to feel guilty or as if you’re betraying the Captain.“

Tony felt the tension bleed out of his shoulders and he removed his fingers from the coffee cup. They were stiff from having been clenched around the cup for so long and he flexed them to regain some feeling. The heaviness that had settled in his chest seemed to lift ever so slightly and he could breath again. He was doing the right thing, Dr. Gupta had said so and Dr. Gupta didn't even like him in particular so he wouldn't have any reason to lie so it had to be true and Tony had to be doing the right thing then. Exhaustion washed over him in waves and he realized how urgently he’d needed to hear those words. He was right and Steve needed help and he’d get it and he was right. 

„Thank you, doc“, Tony murmured. „I think I needed to hear that.“ He slouched back down on the couch and watched the lines on the Indian man’s face scrunch up in a warm smile. His eyes didn't look quite as tired when he smiled and for the first time Tony wondered if he had a family and if he was happy. He was a good guy, there were a lot of good guys in SHIELD, Tony had come to see that.   
„J, schedule a meeting with Hill, it’s time I discuss SHIELD’s future with her“, he issued a tired command to his AI. 

„Certainly, sir. Where shall this meeting be held?“ came the direct reply. 

Tony groaned. „Not the Tower. Have her choose something. Not my SI office either, this has to be kept quiet. Doc, you’re not hearing this.“ 

Dr. Gupta raised his eyebrows and nodded. 

„You won’t be unemployed for much longer, I can promise that much. Hey, d’you have kids? A wife? A husband?“ At the weird look he got Tony just raised his eyebrows mockingly. „What? It’s a valid possibility.“ After all who was he to just assume someone’s sexuality? 

The doctor didn't seem to be thinking that far. He finished his water and took some time before he replied. Tony grew antsy during the pause and wondered if he’d asked something he shouldn't have. Maybe Dr. Gupta’s whole family had died in a traumatic event or something and he didn't want to be reminded of them. Or maybe he hadn't been able to save them and blamed himself and now Tony had sent him in a depression or- 

„My wife and I have two kids, Katrina and Prisha. They’re twins and juniors in high school.“ 

Huh. Okay, good, unexpected but good. They were alive and alright and in high school. Awesome. 

„Juniors, huh? Got their college applications ready and everything?“ That was what kids were supposed to do at that age, right? 

Dr. Gupta nodded slowly, obviously unsure of where this was going. 

„They got a place in mind already?“ 

The doctor nodded again. „NYU is on the top of both their lists but we’re urging them to just try and apply to some Ivy League schools. Not that they have to go there, NYU is fine, but it’s just so big and my wife and I met at Princeton.“ He stopped abruptly at that, probably realizing that he’d shared something private with his de-facto boss, but Tony just smiled. 

„Amazing, yeah, Ivy League is good, those are great schools. I’ll make sure to send a letter of recommendation for the girls if you want. It should, uh, facilitate the application process considerably.“ It was the least he could do, really, and it wasn't even that much of a hassle. He’d probably not even have to bribe the universities, simply promising them a guest lecture or something would be enough tog et what he wanted. 

Opposite him, Dr. Gupta had gone white as a sheet. He blinked a couple times, visibly fighting to regain some measure of control over his emotions. „You don't have to do this, Mr. Stark.“ His voice was trembling ever so slightly and Tony was baffled. 

„Why the hell shouldn't I? You just patched up my friend and team mate, you gave me advice on how to handle the situation with my, uh, boyfriend and you’ve patched me up before. I know you earn a salary, but with the way SHIELD’s currently in pieces it can’t be much, pardon my bluntness. You want a good education for your girls, yeah? I can make that happen. Just take it for what it is, a token of gratitude. You don't owe me anything and I’m sure your daughter’s are smart enough to get into any university they want by themselves. I’d just be helping the process along a bit. And in turn I’ll just keep calling you at ungodly times when someone’s got injured, deal?“ Tony even managed to crack his trademark grin and was quite proud of the fact. 

Dr. Gupta, defeated, just snorted. „Alright, alright…as long as you don’t sue me for accepting bribes or anything.“ Then he shifted his glasses and gave Tony a serious look. „Call Dr. Miller and talk to her. This is no situation you can handle on your own and you don't have to. You’re stressed enough it is, let Dr. Miller take care of Captain Roger’s wellbeing for now.“ 

„Right, yeah, will do. I…I just want him to be okay, even if he hates me for it…“ 

„But he won’t. And please do me a favor and get some sleep, it won’t do you or SHIELD or the Avengers of your company any good if you burn yourself out. You’re only human as well, Mr. Stark.“ 

He knew he was, people had been telling him often enough, especially lately, and Tony was starting to see some sense behind their words, but it was hard to accept. He was used to being the one who could do everything he put his mind to but he was also used to crashing, badly and often afterwards and he just couldn't keep that lifestyle up. He wanted to try to be happy and healthy or at least one of both, just a little bit. And that meant he’d have to be mindful, Dr. Miller had taught him that.   
So he nodded. 

„Yeah, thanks doc. I’ll be fine and I’m gonna make sure that Steve is, too. You were a great help, don’t forget to tell me where your daughters are applying to so I can recommend them!“ 

Dr. Gupta broken into an uneasy smile and got up. „Yes, I guess I’ll do that. Call me if you need anything else or if Agent Barton pulls his stitches.“ 

Taking it as his cue, Tony stood up as well and walked the doctor over to the elevator. „You get home safe. And let’s just hope there won’t be any reason to contact you any time soon. No, don't say it, I know it’s a naive wish, let me dream.“ 

The doctor chuckled incredulously to himself and got into the elevator. Tony watched until the doors closed and then some more. 

So. Meetings to plan and attend and lives and jobs to save. No pressure. 

He heard muffled screaming in what sounded a lot like Russian. It didn't sound like Natasha.  Fuck his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, uh, positivity and I don't really work well...it's not gonna get much worse than that, though? 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	17. Talking It Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, enough sadness and separation! 
> 
> Tony and Steve finally talk!

„Captain Rogers approaching, sir“, JARVIS warned and the doors to the workshop slid open. 

In strolled Steve, wearing dark jeans and a white henley. The bandage around his torso seemed to have been removed and the bruises on his face had faded. All in all he looked pretty much like the Steve that Tony knew and cared about. 

„Tony, here you are!“ he exclaimed as if Tony being in his workshop was a surprise or something. The only surprise here was that Steve was apparently here out of his own volition. Tony was thrilled he even knew he existed anymore. 

Fuck, he was turning bitter. 

„And what a surprise that is, too, Steve!“ he replied, voice dripping with sarcasm. 

A flash of hurt and incomprehension passed over Steve’s face and Tony regretted his choice of words immediately. He ran a hand through his hair and pried his eyes away from the holo screen in front of him. 

„Sorry, Cap, just being a dick as usual. What can I do for you?“ He hadn't had the time to take care of anything yet. Sure, appointments with both Pepper and Hill had been scheduled, but he hadn't actually prepared anything. Not to mention Dr. Miller, who he absolutely hadn't tried calling a whopping fourteen times but chickening out every time at the last second, nope. 

Steve gave him a strange look, kinda as if he’d just realized something. Then he walked over to Tony and engulfed him in a hug. Just like that. He wrapped his tree trunk arms around Tony’s shoulders and buried his face in the crook of Tony’s neck. It felt warm and familiar and Tony felt himself returning the hug without even thinking about it. Steve smelt like fabric softener and shower gel and home and Tony sighed before snuggling even closer to him. He could die happily now, he thought, the moment was perfect.

But when Steve started drawing circles on Tony’s scalp, Tony drew away carefully and stopped Steve’s hand quietly. 

„What is it, Steve?“ he murmured, not trusting his voice. Steve couldn't just do this, ignore him for weeks and then come for cuddles when he felt like it! It wasn't fair and it wasn't good for Tony’s mental health because he’d give in, every time if it was for Steve, and that just couldn't be healthy. Nothing about this could be. 

Steve actually looked a bit guilty and sheepish, kneeling in front of Tony, his hand still ghosting over his shoulder where he had removed it from Tony’s hair. He dropped his head and averted his gaze.   
„I’m sorry. I just realized how horrible I’ve been to you lately. I completely ignored you.“ 

And fuck it all, but Tony felt something like hope in his chest, making his heart swell and his head spin. Maybe Steve didn't hate him after all? Maybe he still meant something to Steve? Maybe he didn't have to end their bad joke of a relationship and get himself blown up on a mission? 

He cleared his throat but didn't know what to say. So he just ran his fingers through Steve’s hair and murmured „Hey, look at me“. 

Steve did as he was told, his blue eyes shining, glistening. He looked fucking miserable and Tony’s chest constricted. He kicked the swiveling chair back and dropped to his knees as well to hug the  
Captain.   
„You’re okay, I’m not mad or anything, we’re all good, okay? Shh, it’s alright.“

Steve nodded against Tony’s back and Tony drew back, releasing him. 

„I just wanted to tell you about Clint but then it suddenly hit me, of course you’d know that Clint was back, you’re acting team leader at the moment because I had to get myself blown up, so you probably even welcomed him. And then I just realized how ignorant it was of me to assume that you don’t know what goes on in your own Tower and then I realized that you have to be team leader now because of me and that I never even told you anything about what the job entails and then I saw you sitting there, all tired and small and fragile looking, and I just - when’s the last time I just came to see you simply to see you? Gosh, Tony, I’m a horrible person! I’m so sorry…I’m selfish and rude and bossy and I got you to bring Bucky here and then I just ignored you and now I’m completely out of the loop and-“ 

„Whoa, fuck, stop, Steve! You’re giving me a headache. Shit…I’m the one to rant, not you, fuck. And I am not small or fragile, got it? Shit, let’s get off the floor and don’t give me that look, this is not a conversation I’m gonna have while kneeling on the fucking floor.“ Tony got up and offered his hand to help Steve up as well. Then he went over to the ratty couch and motioned for Steve to sit down next to him. This was his chance to really talk to Steve, to make him see sense, and he wouldn't waste it with stupid shit, even though he felt like kissing the Cap and getting that shirt off him. But nope, there was more important stuff to take care of first. Fuck it all. 

When Steve was seated stiffly on the couch, Tony took a deep breath. Shit. 

„You’re not gonna like what I have to say, but I um, I’d appreciate it if you listened and didn’t, like, start screaming again or something. Like, you can totally scream when I’m done, just please, uh, let me speak first? Yeah? Thanks.“ Another breath. This was gonna suck in all the wrong ways.   
„Steve, I know what happened on the Helicarrier.“ Pause. „And I know you don't wanna talk about it and I get it, I really do, but remember that talk we had on the roof, when everyone thought we were gonna jump?“

Steve made a noncommittal noise next to him and Tony nodded. 

„Yeah, you said you wouldn’t, only if it served the greater good or some heroic bullshit. And I believed you. I, um, don't believe you anymore. Because on that Helicarrier? There was no greater good or anything and that, uh, that really fucking scares me, Steve. And what scares me even more is that you don't wanna talk about it, because, like, you’re Steve Rogers, right? You managed to make me see the benefits of having a therapist and believe me, many before you tried and failed. And now suddenly you don't wanna talk to her anymore or to me or anyone really and all you do is spend time with Barnes, which, really, it’s fine, I guess it’s completely natural, and I’m not jealous or trying to tell you you shouldn’t, but Steve, you gotta think of yourself, too. You gotta take care of yourself and you gotta get help when you can’t do it on your own. Which, uh, I don't think you can, at the moment, but whenever I offer my help you just get all aggressive and defensive and…shit“ Tony cut himself off and rubbed his eyes while taking a couple calming breaths. What else was there to say?   
„I’m really worried about you, Steve.“

Several moments passed in silence before Tony risked a look at Steve. He didn't look angry at all but mostly exhausted and shocked and very, very pale. His eyes were wide and there was a faint tremble passing through his long fingers.   
Tony laced his calloused ones with Steve’s artistic fingers and ran his thumb over his hand. It took a while but finally Steve pressed his hand. His voice was very quiet and not at all stable when he answered. 

„Yeah I…you’re right. I’m just so scared, Tony. Everything’s…it’s all been so hard and then there was Bucky and suddenly nothing of that was important anymore, but I…you were right, before. When you said that I couldn't fix Bucky. I can’t. I can’t even fix myself. Natasha’s better at fixing Bucky and they tried to kill each other. What am I even good for? I’m not even team captain anymore…“ 

Steve sounded so young and lost and broken and Tony squeezed his hand before planting a soft kiss on his lips. 

„Weren’t you the one who told be that you can’t fix people? Shh, it’s fine, Steve. You’re plenty good and you don't have to fix anyone, you just need some help and so does Bar- Bucky. It’s okay not to be okay once in a while, I mean, look at me, I haven't been okay pretty much my whole life, but I’m still okay most of the time. And once you’re all healed up and feeling up to it, you’re gonna go back to being our Cap, don't think that this is a position I aspire to hold unto, nope. In fact I tried to pass it on to Barton but he didn't want it either.“ He lifted his shoulders in a shrug and Steve actually snorted a soft, watery laugh. Tony winked at him and ruffled his hair. 

„Um, not gonna correct you on the whole coming to see me issue, though, cause yeah, you pretty much hit the nail on the head there, I felt pretty much as if you’d forgotten I existed, not gonna lie.“ Because no matter how fragile Steve was right now and how much Tony wanted him to be okay and not upset him even more, Tony hurt, too. Steve’s behavior had sent him way too close to the edge for comfort and he just couldn't just brush it off, he wasn't that generous a man even if he’d like to be. 

Steve’s lip quivered and tears gathered in his eyes and Tony immediately wished he’d kept his mouth shut. Fuck, he couldn't deal with crying! Steve shouldn't be crying, not because of him, shit! 

„I’m so sorry, Tony. I understand if“ his breath hitched and he had to suppress a sob. His shoulders were shaking violently „if you wanna break things off with me. Fuck, I haven't really been any kind of partner to you lately anyway, have I?“ The tears were falling now in quick succession and Steve covered his eyes angrily as if that was making his sobbing less obvious. 

Tony turned towards him and hugged him again, tightly. Shit, they were a mess. He could feel a sense of panic, but he fought to keep it at bay for just a moment longer. This wasn't the time for him to break down, not when they were finally talking.  „No, no, no, Steve, honey, cutie pie, sugar, darling, don’t say that, don't even think that, I don't want anything like that. We’ll be fine, okay? You hear me? Everything’s gonna be fine with you and me and us and Bucky and the team and everyone, okay? I’m not leaving you, so don't you dare think about leaving me, yeah?“   
He rubbed Steve’s back until the sobs subsided and murmured more assurances, his hands and voice feeling unsteady. 

After a good fifteen minutes Steve raised his head, completely cried out. His eyes were read and bloodshot and blotchy, but he looked somehow content. His voice was raspy when he finally spoke.  
„You’re too nice, I don't deserve you. But I’m also selfish and I don't wanna lose you, so I’m, um, kinda happy you still feel this way. Even though I’ve been, uh, an asshole and a pain.“

„Language, Cap“, Tony whispered with a shaky smile and let his head fall onto Steve’s shoulder. 

Somehow, miraculously, it looked as if they could be alright after all, despite everything that was fucked up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it. Things are finally starting to look up again!


	18. Making Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! Thanks for the positive response to the last chapter and sorry for the wait!
> 
> This one is a bit slower, but I felt I had to include it.

Steve and Tony stayed all cuddled up like that on the couch for a while. Neither of them spoke. At some point Steve had placed the blanket around their shoulders and Tony had huddled closer to him. Now he was absently stroking Steve’s hair. 

“Y’know, I kinda knew that I was acting team captain now what with me being your second-in-command an everything, and Hill and Fury telling me about it-“

Steve’s head snapped up. “You spoke to Fury? When?“ There was a note of panic in his voice and Tony realized his slip-up. Right. Fury had officially been declared dead. He’d made a reappearance in front of Steve and Nat, but had told them he’d disappear for a while and not to contact him at any cost. Fucker.

Tony raised his hands in what he hoped was a placating gesture. “He’s fine - I think, who really knows with the bastard - and he’s still in hiding, no worries. He just had some intel for me, s’all good. And we didn't exactly speak, he sent me a mail and I read it. Son of a bitch expressively stated not to contact him, so I’m guessing it was the real Fury.“ 

That managed to illicit a chuckle from Steve and Tony allowed himself a small smile. Even though the bruises and swelling had disappeared completely from Steve’s face, there was still a note of exhaustion in the way his eyelids drooped and his hands trembled ever so slightly. He was far from fine, at least mentally, and Tony didn't want to add any more shit for him to stress about. 

“Yeah, so, all I wanted to say was that I knew what I was getting into, even if Hawkeye actually treating me as team leader kinda spooked me, not gonna lie. I mean, Barton telling me about reports and shit is just objectively wrong, I don't know how you can ask that of him without feeling bad, guy looks like a kicked puppy.“ 

“Oh, ’s not that hard for me, must come natural with being Captain America, I guess“ Steve replied drolly “Give it another three months and you’ll be perfect at it, you’re a genius after all.“ 

“Haha, Rogers, very clever. You’re giving JARVIS a run for his money when it comes to the sass, huh?“ Tony rolled his eyes at Steve who was grinning at him smugly. 

“Sir, I would like to remind you that you do not in fact pay me for my services.“ JARVIS chimed in from above them and Steve started outright laughing. Tony just threw his hands in the air and got off the sofa. 

“Traitors, all of you! I give you shelter and food and entertainment and this is how you repay me? I am wounded, people, wounded and distinctly smelly, so I’m gonna take a shower now. You joining me, Steve?“ He stretched once, his joints popping, and yawned loudly. 

The surprise was evident on Steve’s face, but the Captain got up in one fluid motion. Tony chuckled. “Easy, soldier. I know you’re eager to please your commanding officer, but there’s no rush - oh, oh well, yes…that works, too…“ 

His mocking tone faded into soft moans as Steve gathered him up into his arms and started planting feather light kisses on his neck and down his shoulders. Warmth spread through his body and he couldn't help the dopey grin that appeared on his face. Without thinking, Tony pulled Steve’s shirt over his head and Steve set him down gingerly in the workshop bathroom before undressing completely. He couldn't help himself, Tony just had to touch Steve, it had been too long and he was so perfect standing in front of him in all his muscular, broad, firm goodness, the pinnacle of human perfection panting under his touch and whimpering when Tony dropped to his knees and moved his wet, hot mouth slowly down Steve’s dick. Steve was already hard and the ungodly moans and hisses that left his mouth were enough motivation for Tony. He worked up and down in a slow, measured way and Steve buried his fingers deep in his hair and tugged, looking for something to hold onto. 

“You’re so beautiful like this“ Tony murmured as he took a short break to catch his breath and Steve pulled him up and kissed him deeply. Ton curled his fingers around Steve’s biceps and inhaled his masculine, musky scent.  
“Let’s get you out of these clothes“ Steve huffed in lieu of answering and pulled off Tony’s shirt while Tony himself got rid of his sweatpants and boxers. 

„Shower?“ Tony breathed as Steve wrapped his right hand around Tony’s cock and squeezed his butt with the left hand. Steve was all too happy to oblige. 

 

Thirty minutes later they were lying on Tony’s luxurious king size bed on Egyptian silk sheets, very content and also still very naked. Little red bruises were distributed evenly all over Tony’s body and Steve looked very smug while massaging Tony’s shoulders. The latter sighed and moaned, his eyes closed. 

“Fuck, Steve, I feel like I’m melting into the mattress…I swear you got magic or something…“ he mumbled, the pillow mulling his voice, and leaned into Steve’s touch. It had been so long since anyone had touched Tony and it had been way too long since Steve had touched him anything like this. That shower sex had been direly needed and now Tony felt weightless and as if he was glowing. 

Steve kneaded Tony’s tense back with firm, practiced movements and steadily worked out all the kinks. “You’ve been spending too many nights on that old couch in the workshop again, it’s really hard on your back. I wish you didn't do this to yourself.“ 

“Mhm, but now you’re fixing it, so it doesn't matter. Please don't stop“ he added as Steve’s hands stilled. 

When the hands returned to his back there was a fine tremor to them and Tony rolled onto his back and looked up at Steve with barely masked worry. “What is it?“

“It’s my fault. It’s my job to take care of you and make sure you sleep in your bed and don’t spend all your time in the workshop and don't overwork yourself, but I didn't do any of that and now you’re all tense and you haven't been sleeping properly and you’ve been working way too much and it’s all my fault. I’m so sorry, Tony, but sorry don’t fix a goddamn thing. I don’t deserve you, I’m just another jerk who took you for granted!“ Steve exclaimed, his voice raising steadily until he was yelling the last part. His brows twitched and he sniffed as if he was trying not to cry and Tony propped himself up on his elbows and let his head fall against Steve’s broad chest. Feelings talk was still easier when he didn't have to look the other person in the eye. 

“Listen up, honey pie. You’re fine, I’m fine, we’re fine. It’s not your job to take care of me, not any more than me taking care of you and I messed up royally on that part so can we please just not start assigning blame? I know I’ve got a really bad track record when it comes to relationships and you prolly shouldn't be listening to a singly damn thing I’m saying, but you’re pretty much as bad as me, so whatever! What I’ve learned about relationships - and this was during my relationship with Pepper, which was my longest and most successful relationship up till that time and it was advice from her, so bear with me, it might be worth listening to - is that a relationship isn't about one person being responsible for their significant other’s life. It’s all nice ’n good ’n healthy to care about each other, sure, but that doesn't mean giving up your own life to make sure I’m okay. Point I’m trying to make is just, it’s not your fault if I sleep on the couch, it’s mine. And it’s not your fault you’re benched, it’s fucking HYDRA’s, so don't you go blaming yourself.“ He gave Steve a quick peck on the lips and sat up completely. Suddenly he felt exposed and goose bumps appeared on his skin. He quickly grabbed the silken sheets and wrapped them around his naked body. 

There was a crease between Steve’s brows and he didn't look happy. In fact, he didn't look as if he was agreeing with Tony at all, his fists clenching and unclenching. 

Tony cleared his throat and Steve’s gaze shot to his face. He wouldn't be able to last long under that kinda scrutiny, but still, Steve had said that line about taking him for granted and he couldn't just let that one stand like that, it had stung too much. 

So Tony gathered up all the last strands of courage he could find, swallowed once convulsively, and then said: “That bit about taking me for granted though, uh, that is kinda actually your fault. I, um, I know I was the one who brought Bucky here and that was selfish on my part because sure, yeah, I kinda wanted to help the dude, but mostly I just wanted to make you happy because you were just so sad and that scared the shit outta me, still does, to be honest. So I brought Bucky here and he fucking cut me up and sprained my fucking wrist and nearly cracked my shoulder and you didn't even notice, but I thought it was okay cause you’d just reunited with Bucky and you were happy again and I didn't want you to worry, which is stupid on my part, yeah. But after that it felt like you just kinda…forgot I existed or something. And that, uh, not gonna lie, that hurt. So if you wanna apologize, apologize for that and if you wanna do something to make me happy, schedule an appointment with Dr. Miller, please. You’re…“ Tony swallowed again and tapped the arc reactor lightly. “You’re the one who means the most to me, you’re important, Steve, and I want you to be happy because you’re an amazing person and you deserve all the happiness in the world and sunshine and rainbows and all that shit, I’m serious. Please call her. Or have JARVIS call her or something.“ He wiggled deeper under the covers and waited. That hadn't been as bad as it could’ve been, he thought idly, and finally dared to look at Steve again. 

The man’s face was devastated and ashen. He gave Tony a crestfallen look and his hand shot out, stopping just inches from the blanket covered heap that was Tony.  
“Can I…can I have a look at your wrist? Where did he cut you? Oh God, Tony, are you alright? Did you see a doctor?“ 

Of fucking course him getting injured was the only thing Steve had taken from his rant and now he was mother-henning him as usual. It was frustrating and just a tiny bit endearing. Steve tended to have that effect on him. 

Tony sighed, a soft smile on his lips, and pulled down the covers until they were only covering him from the hips down. Then he took Steve’s hand in his and brought it up to his throat where a faint scar could be felt. 

Steve’s breath hitched and he pulled back his hand as if he’d burned himself. “He cut your throat? Bucky did?“ The question came out in a shrill, panicked voice and Tony grabbed Steve’s hand again and started stroking it in what he hoped was a soothing manner. 

“It wasn't too deep and he didn't do it because he hates me or something, he just thought I was one of the HYDRA fuckers or SHIELD or I dunno, anyway he thought I was gonna capture him and use him just like HYDRA did and then in the car he thought I was betraying him and he didn't even realize he’d nearly totaled the car. What I wanna say is - don’t look at me like that, Rogers“ Tony interjected his own speech at Steve’s shocked expression. “- he didn't actually total the car, we didn't crash into anything, I’m a safe driver now that I’m sober while driving, fuck, forget the last part - no, what I wanna say is that he’s a mess. They really did a number on him and I’m worried, that’s all, human decency or something, it’s about time I felt something like that. I’m just afraid that it’s simply a matter of time till he hurts someone else or himself and I kinda wanna avoid that. But I’m good, really Steve, it’s all healed up, nothing got infected, I’m golden.“

He didn't pull the covers back up but instead pulled them to the side and motioned to the space next to him. “Stay the night? I’m tired and you’re right, it’s a shame not to use this beautiful, comfy bed that I spent a fortune on.“ 

Even through the dimmed lights Tony could make out Steve’s distinctly unhappy features. He looked torn and burdened with enough guilt to last a lifetime. Tony didn't like it. 

Finally he rolled over and took the offered blanket. Warmth radiated from his body and Tony put his arm around Steve’s torso, holding him as close as humanly possible and spooning the shit out of him. 

“You’re such a reckless son of bitch, Stark“ Steve muttered. „but I can’t even be mad because you might also just be the greatest, most selfless man alive.Thank you. Don’t ever change, Tony.“ 

“Steve, please, I’m blushing!“ Tony breathed against Steve’s neck and Steve’s whole body vibrated with silent laughter. 

“I mean it, Tony. I missed you and I’m sorry.“ Steve took Tony’s hand in his and squeezed. The simple gesture made Tony’s heart flutter in his chest and he buried his face in the crook of Steve’s neck. 

“I missed you, too, Steve.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked the fluff, I just needed to write some angsty fix-it, I couldn't stand Tony being sad anymore. Steve is finally seeing sense and things are looking up.


End file.
